Tikka To Ride - Script v1.02


Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

Blimey, what do we have here?
@ 30Apr97

Someone's only gone and left the "Tikka To Ride" script lying around!

This is version 1.02 of the script, and is now fully complete, barring further corrections. Enjoy!

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-99 08Mar99
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 1 -- TIKKA TO RIDE [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.02 17-24 January, 1997 Last updated: 30 April, 1997 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk Credits for corrections: Sea, Polygon, Matt Sommer, Paul Annett, Matt White (lots of info), Annette McIntosh & the original script, John Benton [-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------] [For the first time in RD history we have a full, pre-titles Teaser. From black, the screen fills with kaleidoscopic swirls which resolve into a picture of Lister, rotated 90 degrees] [LISTER present, standing] LISTER Hello? Testing, 1-2-3. Hello? <POV changes back to normal and we see LISTER examining a portable camera lying on its side on a bench. He gives the camera two taps> LISTER Yeess! Well, here we go. <LISTER picks up the camera and holds it out in front of him, pointing at his head. He begins to walk through corridors> Ship's log... erm... one. I've decided to keep a journal of life on board ship, and send it off in a probe. Since turning 28 I feel a new maturity about myself - in fact I can't even remember the last time I tried to urinate on Rimmer from the top of D-deck - no, wait a minute... Friday. But apart from that *one lapse*, maturity-wise I'm practically up there with Abe Lincoln and Moses. Now, just recently we came across a craft, piloted by ourselves from 15 years into the future. We had a bit of an argument, and they attacked us. See attached: <LISTER taps buttons on the camera> [Cut to scenes from Out Of Time...] RIMMER Another lock! <The comms channel barks> LISTER Incoming message... [The screen resolves to a picture of the Future Rimmer] [Small section of original script edited out from TTR] FUTURE RIMMER (Mic.) [...] Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to be blasted out of the sky... [Large script chunk edited out of TTR - the ultimatum, discussion and decision to fight; the Dwarfer's succesful opening rounds and, as Lister fires the lasers, the first shot from the future crew which caused the feedback loop that detonated the panel in front of him, killing him instantly] <A second hit destroys Cat's station, blasting him backwards to fall over Kryten's panel> RIMMER Cat!! KRYTEN ...Dead... but there may be a - <A third hit rocks the Bug, and the complex equipment behind Kryten's head overloads and explodes. Kryten slumps backwards, lifeless.> RIMMER Kryten... Kryten! [Rimmer, in soul-consuming shock, scrambles over to the motionless mechanoid, his hardlight hands grasping Kryten's shoulders, unable or unwilling to accept the truth.] RIMMER There may be a *what*? A way out of this? Is *that* what you were gonna say?? S-Speak, Kryten! *How* can we change what's happening!? <Through his despair, an idea hits Rimmer, but from his expression it is impossible to tell what he is thinking or feeling. He turns and stumbles from the blasted cockpit into the Mid-section, somehow remembering to pick up Lister's bazookoid before kicking open the hatch and charging down to Starbug's lower levels. Through corridors he runs, the tortured ship shuddering and tearing itself apart around him. A corridor section collapses and a huge bulkhead crashes down onto his hardlight back, but Rimmer is oblivious to the pain, one thought blotting out all consciousness, he *must* reach the Time Drive. Suddenly, he's standing in front of it. Rimmer raises the bazookoid. Loads. Fires. Incandescent light blasts from the ruptured drive, but our perspective shifts into space, where a streak of red fire ploughs into the battered ship. This time, no resistance remains. Starbug loses its fragile grip on coherency and detonates utterly, with an explosion that matches a thousand Death Stars. When the debris clears, and the light fades, Starbug is gone; there is no indication that there was ever anything there...> [Cut back to Lister making his recording] LISTER We were no match; they killed us, and destroyed everything on board ship - including the Time Drive, which meant there was no Time Drive for them to have in the future, to bring back into the past, [to] destroy the future of their past selves in the present. Put simply: by killing us they killed themselves, because once we were dead it was impossible for us to become them in the future, and return in time to kill ourselves in the past, even though it was the present. <As LISTER's speech draws to a close the camera begin to emit a buzzing noise. Suddenly it hisses, throws out sparks and blows up> [Enter KRYTEN] LISTER Oh smeg! KRYTEN Have you been trying to explain about our future selves *again*, sir?? LISTER I just thought I'd give it one more go - KRYTEN D'oh! That's the third camera this week! The machines just can't take it, sir. LISTER But I'm only trying to explain why Starbug's damaged, despite the timeline being erased; 'cos this reality's unstable, and anomalies have merged from both dimensions to cope with the paradox. KRYTEN Oh! Garbled, confusing, and quite frankly duller than an in-flight magazine produced by 'Air Belgium'! Now just state our position and explain we're down on supplies. [Exit KRYTEN] LISTER All right! All right! [Exit Lister] [-- 2 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------] <Starbug flies by a planet and its orbiting moon> [-- 3 - Int. A Starbug console room----------------------------------------] [Console-mounted camera POV. Camara crackles to life, showing LISTER present, seated in front of console] LISTER This is Dave Lister of the JMC transport vehicle 'Starbug'. We're down on supplies; we need help. Out. <Camera crackles off> <Pause> <Camera crackles on> LISTER By the way, we're in space. Passed a sort of reddy moon a couple of days ago, co-ordinates enclosed. <LISTER taps at a keyboard, then holds up his fingers in an O' shape> LISTER It's about *that* shape. You can't miss it. <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> [-- 4 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------] [Starbug flying through space] LISTER [VO] Ships log, update: Friday, am. The battle with our future selves has had the most terrible consequences... [-- 5 - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters ------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER present. Close two-shot] LISTER Wiped out..? Kryten, man, they *can't* be... KRYTEN I'm afraid so, sir. The laser cannon breached the main watertank and flooded supply deck B. They didn't stand a chance. LISTER Yeah, but surely -- KRYTEN There was *nothing* we could do to save them, sir. LISTER So, now we've got no poppadoms at all? KRYTEN No poppadoms, no curries, all the Indian food supplies have been totaled. <LISTER sags down, clutching his guitar for security> LISTER I'll have to survive without them then... I'll have salads. KRYTEN Sir! You're in shock, you don't know what you're saying. LISTER After all it's only curry. KRYTEN 'Only curry'? The enormity of it hasn't sunk in - you must mourn, sir. Don't you see? You must mourn. LISTER Curries... KRYTEN Ohhhh sirr, get it out! Cry like a baby! LISTER What am I gonna do? Curry night was the one little beacon I had... made me feel like a normal ordinary guy, not some sad freak stuck in deep space; no woman, no hope, no curry. KRYTEN Worse still, a choice of only two alcoholic beverages: Cinzano Bianco, or advocat. It's a human tragedy! LISTER No lager?? KRYTEN Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog. LISTER No lager!? KRYTEN *All* the supplies on B-deck were destroyed, sir. There wasn't even any wreckage, no debris, zip. LISTER God... a few beers and a curry, it was the highlight of my week! KRYTEN I used to look forward to curry night too, sir. seeing your little face all happy and smiling, come rain or shine we'd always make time for curry night. Every Friday. LISTER Saturday. KRYTEN Sunday. LISTER Tuesday. KRYTEN Wednesday. LISTER Thursday. Always the same meal: three poppadoms with mango chutney - KRYTEN Those little onions - LISTER Dill pickle - KRYTEN That day-glow green mint sauce that just doesn't wash out - LISTER The red stuff that no-one knows what it is - KRYTEN Then a shami kebab starter - LISTER Followed by a chicken vindaloo, kamikaze hot, with a fire extinguisher on stand-by. KRYTEN And two scoops of kofi ice-cream. LISTER And two indigestion tablets. <LISTER sighs heavily> Life without curry? It's like Laurel without Hardy; the Lone Ranger without... that Indian bloke. KRYTEN Perhaps, you could learn to love... pasta? LISTER Pasta. You sick? [-- 6 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------] <Starbug flies between a planet and its orbiting moon> [-- 7 - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------] [CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER present, at stations. CAT and RIMMER each wear a black armband] [Enter LISTER] LISTER You know the news? All the curry supplies have been destroyed. CAT/RIMMER <pointing at armbands> We heard. RIMMER As a mark of respect, we thought on Sunday at 12 o'clock we could have a minute's flatulence. LISTER It's nothing to you guys, is it? It's changing my life! KRYTEN Sirs - the altercation with our future selves caused dimensional anomalies which have expanded the cargo deck by 212%! We should ascertain that the new structure is stable. [-- 8 - Int. Cargo deck B -------------------------------------------------] [ALL present. They stand at the entrance to the now-enormous cargo deck B. Gently sloping, ridged walls bevel outwards then curl back in, rising to a ceiling that towers above them, effectively forming a huge, flat-bottomed cylinder. The back wall of the deck is an ethereal, corrugated blue construction, and the floor is lost in thick mist which rises to their knees. They begin to walk slowly through the deck.] CAT So let me get this straight: time has returned to the point before we discovered the Time Drive, right? So what's to stop us going back on board the Gemini 12 and picking it up all over again? RIMMER We have to avoid all forms of time travel; it's the only way of breaking our destiny line and ensuring we don't end up like our future selves. LISTER Yeah, but surely we can use the Time Drive if we're careful? You know, if we don't abuse it the way our future selves did? You know, if we're sensible and mature. RIMMER And do what? LISTER Go back in time to an Indian take-away and order 500 curries. KRYTEN Sir, the scheme is irresponsible, moronic, and preposterous! CAT All your hallmarks, bud! LISTER Look, one *really* big take-away order once every two years and our problems are over. CAT *Your* problems are over? Our problems are just beginning. KRYTEN What about causality? Interfering in the past no matter how minutely always alters the present. Cause, and effect! LISTER <intently> Look, I'm a curry-aholic! I've only got two tastebuds that work, I *need* *curry*. RIMMER We can't afford to take any more chances. I say the Time Drive stays where it is. CAT You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he's right. LISTER Oh *okay*. Okay. [-- 9 - Int. Somewhere within the newly expanded decks of Starbug ---------] [ALL enter, climbing down a ladder positioned in front of a huge, backlit convection fan, whose blades whirl lazily. The Dwarfers begin to walk along another cylindrical corridor] KRYTEN Er, since that completes the B-deck inspection, sirs, permission to off-line for the next twelve hours while I discard some old cache files? CAT How come you need more memory? Over the years, you've had more RAM than a field of sheep! KRYTEN My head is littered with unnecessary information, sir. The ability to sing the Bay City Rollers' greatest hits is no longer a priority. For most cultural purposes, crooning "Bye Bye Baby" is more than sufficient. LISTER This clean up thing - how does it work exactly? KRYTEN I simply attach my RAM to the ship's computer and download the unwanted files into its trashfile. LISTER <thoughtfully> Your RAM's in your head, isn't it? So you won't actually be using your body, then? KRYTEN <confused> Why do you ask? LISTER Just interested. Robotics, it's fascinating, isn't it. [ALL exit] [-- 9 - Int. Night. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------] [LISTER present. His alarm suddenly warbles, and LISTER wakes and silences it. Accompanied by tense 'Indiana Jones'-style music, He quickly climbs out of bed and leaves] [-- 10 - Int. A Starbug console room --------------------------------------] [KRYTEN present, sitting comatose at a computer console; his head is connected to the console by a flexible spiral-twirled cord like that of a phone handset. LISTER sneaks in, carrying a white plastic bag which he places on a desk. He then unscrews KRYTEN's head, wire still attached, and sets it down, then unwraps the spare head he brought with him and and screws it on to KRYTEN's body. KRYTEN's eyes pop open] KRYTEN My heavens - I'm head head! <LISTER clamps a hand over KRYTEN's mouth and pulls the chair away from the desk so that KRYTEN, his arms flailing as he is wheeled back, can see him> LISTER <urgently> Shh! It's only temporary. KRYTEN <sotto voce> I don't understand. LISTER Look, I want to go back in time on a curry hunt. Kryten said "no way"; what do *you* say? KRYTEN I can't go behind Kryten's head; what would he say if he found out? It's deceitful, wrong, and dishonest. <Kryten pauses; glances around conspiratorially> I'm in! Those are emotions I have longed to experience, but first, you'll have to override my guilt chip and disable my behaviour protocols. LISTER Okay, show me how. KRYTEN Press the 'skull release' catch behind my right ear. <LISTER flips up a panel of KRYTEN's head and props it up like the bonnet of a car> LISTER Okay, here we go... <SHOT : He eases out a black cylindrical unit and unclips a small piece from it, placing it in a kidney bowl> KRYTEN My guilt chip. No behaviour protocols... just call me "bad ass"!! [-- 11 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------] [Starbug does a fly-by between two planets] [-- 12 - Int. Starbug Mid-section -----------------------------------------] [RIMMER, CAT present, seated at the table; RIMMER engrossed with notes on a clipboard. KRYTEN stands nearby, with an egg-whisk attachment plugged into his groinal socket] [Enter LISTER] LISTER Hey, that smells good - what's for brekkie? KRYTEN <now speaking in a much broader drawl> Waffles, sir! Dripping in honey and jam, with three fried eggs on the side, coated in cheese! CAT That sounds about as healthy as jumping off a cliff! KRYTEN Healthy? Who cares?? Pork away! <KRYTEN punctuates this last with a pelvic thrust, then gyrates his hips from side to side until his dangling attachment has enough swing to reach his hand, whereupon he proceeds to whisk the three teas, liquid flying everywhere> LISTER <with emphasis> So, um, Kryten - now that you've had time to think, what about that curry hunt to the 22nd century? KRYTEN Ooh, I meant to mention that, yes. I over-reacted yesterday; on reflection, I think it'd be quite safe. <Kryten takes out a small packet from his attachment belt> CAT Safe? RIMMER What about causality? KRYTEN Causality? Well, okay, you know, one event causes another, okay, but sometimes, you just gotta say: "The laws of time and space? Who gives a smeg!" <As LISTER begins to speak, KRYTEN takes what is obviously a cigarette from the packet and lights up> LISTER Okay, I think what Kryten's trying to say is -- CAT <pointing , amazed, at KRYTEN> You're smoking! KRYTEN Oh, is my generator overheating again? RIMMER A cigarette! KRYTEN <confused> Do you want one? RIMMER Of course I don't want one! KRYTEN Do you want me to go outside? LISTER <hurriedly changing the subject> I think what Kryten's trying to say is that it's okay to go back in time, and order a small lake's worth of vindaloo to go. Isn't that right? <KRYTEN swings his dangling attachment up over his shoulder> KRYTEN You bet your ass! LISTER Okay, so lets navigate those unreality bubbles and do it! Kryten, can I have a word... [Exit LISTER, leading KRYTEN by the groinal attachment into...> [-- 13 - Int. Starbug galley ----------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER enter] LISTER What is *wrong* with you? You don't smoke, you never say "bet your ass", and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's tea! KRYTEN I didn't get any error commands! LISTER Because you've got no behaviour protocols, you spammy! Now get a grip or we'll be rumbled. <LISTER punctuates with KRYTEN's egg whisk, of which KRYTEN gives a defiant spin> [Exit LISTER] KRYTEN So uptight! <KRYTEN picks up a Cinzano Bianco bottle and swigs down its contents> [-- 14 - Int. A corridor aboard the Gemini 12 -----------------------------] [Enter KRYTEN, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT, the latter two in spacesuits. They pick their way through a decaying and decrepit corridor] <KRYTEN leads the group, enthusiastically humming an in-your-face type of song> [Exit KRYTEN] RIMMER What is wrong with that demented Tonka toy now? LISTER He's got a bit of a bio-glitch in his transponder calibrations. It's only temporary. [-- 15 - Int. Gemini Engine Room ------------------------------------------] [They arrive in a small, box-shaped room. On the back wall is a big gash which offers a panoramic view of the planet around which the Gemini 12 orbits. A bank of machinery is fitted on another wall of the room] [ALL present] LISTER Heyyy, Mr. Timedrive. <LISTER crosses to the machinery and pulls a piece out> [Somehow, probably the result of another inter-dimensional anomaly, the Time Drive has become a handheld unit, which LISTER now hands to KRYTEN] LISTER Okay Kryten, we want the Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant behind the JMC building in London. Back table; quiet. KRYTEN I'll need a moment to acquaint myself with the controls - RIMMER But you've used it before? KRYTEN Have I? <KRYTEN receives a discreet thump from LISTER> KRYTEN Oh, yes, of course I have. Sorry. How stupid of me. <ahem> Just programming it now, matey boy. <KRYTEN taps buttons on the controller> [-- 16 - OB. Day. Broadway in an American city ----------------------------] [MONTAGE: Crowds pack the street and the surrouding buildings, cheering and waving, tickertape filling the air. A large entourage is rolling down the street, police and security vehicles surrounding a black, open-top limo which has small flags fluttering from its fenders. A well-dressed man sits in the back seat with his attractive wife to his left, both waving at the crowds. Scene cuts to a man, alone in a storeroom of some kind. He has a gun; a high-power rifle, into which he loads a round. He takes careful and steady aim at the man in the car, and looses two shots in quick succession. Panic breaks out below; security men rush towards the limo, while the man quickly re-loads. He aims his third shot, but just before he fires, four bolts of crackling red lightning coalesce into the forms of four people. Two are dressed in silver spacesuits; one a strange chunky costume; the last in a comparitively normal uniform. One of the spacesuited figures steps back to catch his balance, knocking the gunman head first out of the window and sending his third shot wild. LISTER and CAT remove their helmets, ALL oblivious to the recently departed gunman.] RIMMER <sarcastically> Nice landing, Kryten - that was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey. KRYTEN Apologies, sir, I'm - ah, I'm not sure what I did then. LISTER This isn't right, where are we? KRYTEN <consulting device> Well, according to the Time Drive, the date is November the 22nd, 1963, and we're in the city of Dallas. CAT How come? Gimme that thing! <The gunman, who managed to grab the sill of the window while falling, is trying to climb back up. SHOT: fingertips inching over the sill> CAT I've always been a bit of a technical whiz when it comes to these kinds of gizmos... <Cat bangs the drive off the open window which drops down and traps the gunman's fingers> CAT Hmm, Dallas, '63 - no doubt about it. [Scene cuts to outside the building] <FX : Sirens wail are wailing in the street below. After freeing his fingers, the gunman climbs up onto the ledge and tries to raise the window> [Cut back inside] LISTER Dallas? Wasn't that that place where that American king got assassinated? RIMMER JFK. LISTER No, it was John something - not 'Jeff Kay'... RIMMER J - F - K, not 'Jeff Kay', you gimboid; like the airport. I did a paper on him at school. LISTER I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport? RIMMER The airport was named *after* the president. LISTER All right! [Scene again cuts to outside the building] <FX : Sirens, crowd. The gunman inches along the wall to the right of the jammed window, bending to try two more but failing to open them. As he straightens up he almost loses his footing, and after calming himself he pulls some cable running along the wall under the windows and ties it around himself> [Cut back to interior] CAT Where did this gunman dude shoot from anyway? KRYTEN Well, if my histo-chip serves me correctly, the gunman's location was in the 'Texas Book Depository'. <As CAT wanders away, KRYTEN suddenly does a double take as he notices the floor to ceiling piles of boxes stamped: Texas Book Depository'> [Cut to Ext.] <The gunman inches back past the jammed window towards a second open window further along, which is in the same room as the one the Dwarfers stand in> [Cut back to Int.] RIMMER It was probably from this very window! LISTER What, do you reckon? <Lister opens the window that Lee Harvey Oswald shot from and peers out, just as Oswald climbs through the other window. Lister notices the cable and tugs on it experimentally> LISTER Hey, what's this? Hey, there's something on the end of this, giz a hand! <Oblivious to the man just across the room from them, the Dwarfers tug on the cable, pulling Oswald back out of the window and Lister with him> LISTER Pull, everyone, or I'm in trouble! <The Dwarfers each take hold of the cable as in tug-of-war, but they are still yanked forward. Lister piles into the raised window panes, the others colliding with each other, and loses his grip on the cable. Unbeknown to the Dwarfers, Oswald falls five stories down to street level> LISTER <recovering and peering out of the window with the others> Hey, what's going on down there? What're all those people doing gathered around that giant pizza? KRYTEN That is *not* a giant pizza, sir. LISTER It's 8 foot across, man - don't you think that's giant? What kind of pizza house have you been going to? 'The FatBastoria'? CAT Hey, look at this! <Cat has found the rifle dropped by Oswald. The others seperate and Cat brings the rifle with him as he looks down at the street> CAT I think we just pulled the gunman out of the window! <As the implications begin to sink in to the Dwarfers, the door to their room suddenly bursts open and two armed men, one a policeman, the other in a suit, charge in.> MAN FBI! Drop the gun! <CAT does so hastily> CAT Don't shoot! FBI AGENT Hands on heads! <LIATER , RIMMER and KRYTEN follow instructions, CAT however covers the much more important groinal area> FBI AGENT You are hereby charged with the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald, who valiantly tried to foil your attempt to assassinate the president. Thanks to Mr. Oswald, the president is alive but wounded. COP <spotting the Time Drive> What is that? Some kind of weapon? Kick it over here! <KRYTEN moves to comply, but instead deftly taps commands into the unit with his boot. Red lightning carries their forms from where they, and after a moment of confusion, the two armed men level their guns and fire, bullets breezing through the recently vacated air with only milliseconds to spare. To the side of the astounded officers, a spacesuit helmet carelessly left on a box also crackles with lightning and disappears - the officers succeeding only in slamming bullets into box which supported the helmet. The perspective shifts. It's the same room, but the FBI agent and the cop are gone.> LISTER Ohhhh! Nice one, Kryts. RIMMER Where are we? KRYTEN <examining Time Drive> It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years. RIMMER At least it'll give us time to analyse the original error. <CAT , having ascertained that it is now safe to uncover his wedding tackle, crosses to the window and looks out> CAT Hey, there's nobody here, the entire city's deserted... [-- 17 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------] [ALL present. They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which is completely devoid of any signs of life. Abandoned vehicles line the side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around. In the back of one of the cars is an discarded newspaper - its headline reads: "Millions flee from American cities". It's like a scene from The Stand] LISTER I don't understand it, all we did is save Kennedy's life. CAT Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he? RIMMER He was a fine man. [-- 18 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------] [Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the previous street, with one exception: the dead body of a man lies undisturbed on the pavement] [ALL enter, CAT leading] CAT Look! LISTER Can you get anything for us from his scent? <Cat sniffs along the man's body> CAT Male. <He sniffs again> Mid-thirties. RIMMER It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede. <As they speak, KRYTEN notices a crumpled newspaper poking out from the man's suit. He picks it up and begins to scan it> KRYTEN Just processing. <KRYTEN s eyes flick quickly over the text> I'll re-route the results through my chest monitor: [As the others gather around, POV switches to a close up of Kryten's monitor] KRYTEN [VO] "President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia boss, Sam Giancana. It was the biggest scandal in American history, Kennedy was sentenced to three years in an open prison in July, '65. J. Edgar Hoover became president; he was forced to run by the mob, who had pictures of him at a transvestite orgy." LISTER So America had a president controlled by the Mafia? KRYTEN [partial VO] "Soon after the election, the USSR were allowed to install a nuclear base in Cuba in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking between Cuba and the States. With a Soviet nuclear base 30 miles from the US mainland, people fled from all the major cities." <The Dwarfers leave the body and continue along the street> CAT So am I right in thinking I could get a major nuclear explosion all over this suit? Cos I'm telling you guys, that stuff does *not* dry clean! RIMMER Back to Starbug. KRYTEN Starbug isn't there. It doesn't exist. CAT What? RIMMER How come? KRYTEN Er, best guess: Kennedy's impeachment in '64 traumatised the American nation, allowing the USSR to win the space race. In this reality, it was probably the Russians who were the first to land on the moon. CAT So we're marooned. LISTER *How* was I supposed to know that chicken vindaloo was going to cause all this. CAT But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres! KRYTEN He was! RIMMER He was also an inveterate womaniser; his affairs were legendary. They never came out when he was alive. KRYTEN Every man has his weak spot - his 'Achilles heel'. RIMMER Kennedy's was just, higher up. LISTER If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have had an egg sarnie, and finished the Cinzano. Kryten, what've I done, man? KRYTEN <unconcerned> Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction, sir. Gum? LISTER What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? You've got about as much warmth as a service station chip! That's right, you've no behaviour protocols, have you. RIMMER <approaching KRYTEN balefully> Any you thought causality didn't matter? Every action we take, has trillions of implications, how come you forgot that? KRYTEN Well, I didn't forget, sir, I just didn't *care*. I've got no guilt. <At this, LISTER realises the game is up> LISTER Ah. I nicked Kryten's body. That's spare head 2; I removed his guilt chip. RIMMER You, have altered the entire course of civilisation from the 20th century onwards, you've brought the world to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of all -- LISTER I know, I know; I *still* haven't had a curry. KRYTEN No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen. RIMMER Let me see. <Rimmer takes the Drive and gives it a cursory examination> Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix? KRYTEN Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard. CAT So what now? RIMMER <sigh> We need to have time to figure out how to unfreeze it. I suggest we, set up camp here for the night and perhaps *Kryten* can go and look for some food? KRYTEN I'm on my way, sir! [Exit KRYTEN] [-- 19 - OB. Night. Around a campfire -------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT present, sitting around a large open fire. RIMMER is fiddling with the Time Drive while LISTER and CAT, having ditched their spacesuits, tuck into hefty chunks of meat] RIMMER It's hopeless, I can't fix it. We're trapped... <Rimmer drops the time drive down by the edge of the fire> CAT Chicken's good. LISTER Yeah, really good. KRYTEN That's not chicken, sir. CAT Oh, what is it? KRYTEN It's that man we found. <LISTER and CAT suddenly stop chewing, their mouthfuls of meat turning to poison...> Well, it seemed such a waste to leave him lying there when he'd barbecue so beautifully. RIMMER <sniggers quietly> KRYTEN Did I do wrong? I didn't get any error commands... <LISTER and CAT let their half-chewed mouthfuls dribble out in disgust> Obviously I thought about it, because without my guilt chip or moral imperatives, I have nothing to guide me. But it seemed to me that if humanoids eat chicken then obviously they'd eat their own species; otherwise they'd just be picking on the chicken. RIMMER <highly amused> One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again. LISTER I said I was enjoying that! CAT <abosutely horrified> I knew it didn't smell right! Oh my god... LISTER I'm a cannibal! <Unexpectedly , blips suddenly issue forth from the Time Drive down by the fire. It's obviously thawed out'> RIMMER Look! CAT Right, lets get out of here! I badly need to floss a piece of roasted dead person out of my teeth! RIMMER Where to? KRYTEN Hawaii. Let's catch some surf! LISTER No, no, we've got to go back; stop ourselves from interfering with the assassination. CAT I don't care where we go, just as long as it's before we had dinner! [-- 20 - Fifth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository -----------] [ALL present, sat together around a box of books playing poker. Tense music plays, and a clock on the wall shows the time as 1:27pm.] [Enter OSWALD] <KRYTEN , with his back to the would-be gunman, shields the angles of his head with one hand. Oswald, upon spotting the Dwarfers, uses the long case he carries on his shoulder to awkwardly cover his face> CAT Decorators. Try up on the sixth floor. [Exit OSWALD] <With the gunman gone, the Dwarfers move to the window to view the street> KRYTEN Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in. When they realise their mistake they'll beam out again. I propose *we* go down to the fourth. [-- 21 - Fourth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository ----------] [ALL enter. A room very similar to that up on the fifth.] <From outside we hear a gunshot, and the Dwarfers rush to the window> LISTER First shot! <...a second and third shot rings out. Again, there is noise and commotion from the street below> [Cut POV to outside of building, looking at the Dwarfers at the window] CAT It doesn't smell right, I think he's missed! RIMMER How come? KRYTEN He's right, sir. By sending Oswald up to the sixth, we've made the trajectory of his shot so steep he's only wounded him. RIMMER Let's start again, and bring him back down to the fifth. LISTER We can't use the fifth: our original selves are destined to beam in there as he fires his third shot, and this version of us are now on the fourth. CAT We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl scratching her butt. LISTER <scanning the street from out of the window> If we could arrange, somehow, for a second gunman to fire from just behind that little hill over there covered in lawn... KRYTEN You mean the, er, the grassy knoll, sir? LISTER That'd solve it, wouldn't it? CAT Shoot the pres?? Who? RIMMER You can count me out. CAT And me. [Cut to inside of room] LISTER Hang on... maybe, just maybe there's someone who can get us out of this mess. RIMMER Where are we going? LISTER Idlewild airport, July, '65... [-- 22 - OB. Day - A runway at Idlewild airport ---------------------------] <We see a handcuffed JFK being led down the stairs from a plane and loaded into the back of a prison truck. As police lock up the truck, the Dwarfers beam in, nearby the stationary aircraft.> [ALL present] LISTER This is right. He's being escorted to Hoover open prison in New York. Give me *five minutes*. <LISTER manipulates the drive, and the red lightning beams him out] [-- 23 - Int. JFK's prison truck ------------------------------------------] [JFK present] [Enter LISTER, beamed in by the Time Drive to the bench seat opposite JFK] LISTER Don't be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell. [FADE. Time passes. Picture returns as Kennedy is speaking] JOHN F. KENNEDY I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my deeds in the Whitehouse. In all important respects I believe I did a good job. It was right to plan a pull out of Vietnam, to fight for civil rights, and, ah, to fight congress, ah, to put a man on the moon. It was, ah, wrong however, to, ah, act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies to wreak havoc on our nation. LISTER But I can help, man. I mean, Mr. President, man. I mean, sir. KENNEDY How, ah, can you help? LISTER Well, come with us back to Dallas, November 1963, be a second gunman. The gunman behind the grassy knoll. KENNEDY You mean, assassinate myself? LISTER Yeah! It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, but they'll never figure it out. KENNEDY But I, ah, still have a future here. Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get out I can, ah, still make a contribution to the world. LISTER See this airport, Idlewild airport? In our reality they renamed it JFK', after you. Where I come from you're a liberal icon, and that's the person you should be. If you're gonna be that person, you're gonna have to sacrifice your life. KENNEDY And only then will my reputation be restored in history? LISTER Mm. And I can get a smeggin' curry. KENNEDY <distantly> Ask not what your country can do for you... ask what you can do for your country. LISTER Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that. KENNEDY It did. Heh heh. [-- 24 - OB. Day. Behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963 -----------------] [All present. JFK present, he and KRYTEN dressed in policeman's uniforms] <JFK swallows the last of his bottle of Coke, and sets it down. LISTER hands him what looks like an M-16 rifle, and nods towards the street meaningfully> [MONTAGE. We see the parade roll through the main street once again; Oswald lining up his shot from the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository and JFK tracking his own vehicle as it moves slowly down the road. Oswald fires his first two shots, wounding the president as before. This time, however, Kennedy himself takes aim from the grassy knoll - firing his shot moments after Oswald's third, and leaving what would turn out to be a nasty mess on Jackie O's suit... Kennedy lowers the gun and turns away, clearly disturbed, but unreadable beyond that] KENNEDY I, ah, thank you all for giving me the opportunity to, ah, be reborn. <JFK walks slowly away from them towards a line of parked cars. After a short time, he fades from reality. The Dwarfers turn away, leaning against a high fence that looks out onto the street> LISTER Smeg! I forgot to ask if there are any curry houses in Dallas! <CAT , RIMMER and KRYTEN exchange glances. CAT makes a subtle gesture with his head and KRYTEN nods; after all, there's only so much you can take of one person... CAT turns and walks behind LISTER, whistling innocently. As RIMMER turns to follow him, he suddenly grabs LISTER and pulls him to the ground - the three of them quickly laying into the curry-deprived one with everything they've got. The nightstick that Kryten carries come in particularly useful...> [------------------------- END OF "TIKKA TO RIDE" -------------------------] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk". Thanks.]