Stoke Me A Clipper - Script v1.02

...Clearing House...

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

The happiness never ends!

@ 30Apr97

It's only the bloody "Stoke Me A Clipper" script!

This is version 1.02 of the script, and is fully complete, barring corrections. Enjoy!

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-97

30Apr97 +

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 2 -- STOKE ME A CLIPPER [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 1.02 26 January - 02 February, 1997 Last updated: 30 April, 1997 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk Credits for corrections: Sea, Matt White, Alexandra Brunner, TJ, Annette McIntosh & the original script, Daniel Noll [-- 1 - Model shot --------------------------------------------------------] [Start of pre-titles teaser. An old, propeller-driven transport plane in flight] [-- 2 - Int. Aeroplane. Day -----------------------------------------------] [Inside the cockpit. Given the uniforms of the visible crew and passengers, the plane appears to belong to the German army] [GERMAN CAPTAIN, PILOT and GESTAPO OFFICER present. CAPTAIN is stroking a large alligator which lays across his lap] GERMAN CAPTAIN Where is the girl? GESTAPO OFFICER In five minutes she'll be facing ze firing squad, Herr Captain. CAPTAIN Good. And the erstwhile protector? GESTAPO Festering in ze cargo hold. CAPTAIN Excellent. <As he finishes speaking, the curtained cockpit partition parts and a man looking like Rimmer steps through. He is dressed in a flashy silver flight-suit over a pale turtleneck top, and sports a dashingly blow-dried haircut. At his appearance, the Gestapo officer trains his pistol on him, and the Captain's face twitches convulsively. Unconcerned, the man lights up a cigar and blows out smoke> CAPTAIN Ahhh, Ace Rimmer - might one enquire how you escaped your bonds? <The CAPTAIN directs a withering look at the Gestapo officer> ACE Just had to dislocate both shoulders, pop 'em behind my ears and slip between the ropes. Of course, it's gonna take major orthopaedic surgery to put them back, but rest assured: that won't stop me from rescuing the Princess Bonjella. CAPTAIN You're insane, Rimmer. You're out-manned and outgunned. ACE You expect me to concede? CAPTAIN No Mr. Rimmer, I expect you to *die*! <The CAPTAIN's alligator chooses this moment to punctuate it's master's threat with a throaty roar> CAPTAIN Take him into the hold, take ten minutes to explain all our plans to him... then... throw him out of the plane. GESTAPO <gesturing with pistol> Out! <Springing into action, Ace steals the gun from the Gestapo officer and throws a right hook, knocking the man out. The pilot turns in his seat, also armed, but receives a bullet before he even takes aim - he collapses and the plane begins to dive. The captain suddenly throws the alligator at Ace who falls back into the main body of the plane. Ace wrestles with the reptile, losing his gun out of the open fuselage doors. We see the plane diving, out of control, and return to the cockpit as the captain calmly sets light to the fuse of a taped batch of dynamite> [-- 3 - Int. Fuselage. Day ------------------------------------------------] [ACE RIMMER present, struggling with the alligator] [Enter CAPTAIN, wearing a parachute] CAPTAIN Ahh, Mr. Rimmer - sorry I can't stick around for a chat, but I've got to 'blow'... <The Captain indicates the sticks of dynamite whose fuse fizzles dangerously> CAPTAIN Do me a favour will you, and feed Snappy? <He tosses the dynamite beyond ACE's reach and jumps out of the plane, we see him fall happily away from ACE, his nemesis> ACE What I would give for a gun. <The alligator lets rip a roar inches from his face> ACE Or a bottle of Listerine! <With the dynamite dangerously close to exploding, ACE, still struggling with the gator, manages to snatch up a coiled length of rope, before he manoeuvres himself and the alligator out of the plane> [-- 4 - Ext. Free-fall. Day -----------------------------------------------] [ADO: The camera tracks the CAPTAIN in close-up as he falls from the plane, before switching to ACE as he manages to loop the rope around the 'gator's neck. Cut back to the CAPTAIN, and over his shoulder we see the doomed plane explode as the dynamite detonates] CAPTAIN Goodbye Ace Rimmer! You were a most worthy adversary! <The CAPTAIN glances back over his shoulder, then does a double take. Cut to ACE, now riding alligator like a surfboard, one had holding the rope leash and steering the reptile> <CAPTAIN fires several shots at ACE - who steers the alligator's mouth to fasten around the captains head. ACE reaches down and pulls the CAPTAIN's gun from limp fingers, and unclips the despicable man's parachute. The CAPTAIN and his alligator drop out of shot while ACE slips the straps of the empty chute around his body and buckles in> ACE See you later alligator! <Triumphantly , ACE pulls the ripcord and his parachute blossoms above him, taking him swiftly down to the ground> [-- 5 - OB. Ground level in a German base. Day ----------------------------] [We see an open-air yard, somewhere within the base. A firing squad has been lined up, some distance from a woman in a flowing red dress who is tied to a wooden post with chains. An officer stands to the right of the firing line, shouting commands to the gunners] <As the officer gives the command to fire, we cut to ACE descending from the sky. ACE pulls out his stolen gun and shoots the officer, then quickly picks off half of the firing squad - taking a bullet to the chest in the process> ACE This is my best top, damn it! <ACE quickly finishes off the remaining members of the firing squad, then unclips the parachute and drops some distance to the ground, crashing through the wooden roof of a supply storehouse. Armed soldiers gather before the door, and upon a barked command, blast round upon round into the building, peppering the wooden doors with bullet holes. The officer barks a command to stop and the firing ceases. They wait, the officer wearing a smug smile. Suddenly, the doors burst open as Ace powers out, unhurt, on a motorcycle. The soldiers scatter as ACE barrels straight towards the woman. He takes aim with the pistol and, fearing again for her life, the woman turns her head away as much as she can. Dodging bullets, Ace looses off two well- aimed shots, ripping through the Princess's chains which fall to the ground. He screeches to a halt beside the Princess> ACE Princess Bonjella; Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later, and, hopefully, some sex. PRINCESS <overjoyed> What a guy! <The PRINCESS seats herself behind ACE, who zooms away, dodging yet more bullets fired after them. ACE fires a few more shots before his pistol clicks empty - he tosses it away> ACE Hold on, Princess! PRINCESS Oh please, Ace, call me Beryl! [SHOT: Close-up of a unit mounted over the bike's handlebars] <Ace presses a red button on the unit and fire spurts from the bike's exhausts, launching it off the ground and enabling it to clear the top of the high perimeter wall. ACE's unprepared pursuer unwittingly drives his bike right through the wall, demolishing it and detonating his bike's fuel tank> ACE Bet he's a sour Kraut. <As ACE's motorbike rises to unfeasible heights, we cut back to the base, where two German soldier run into shot and stare after the rapidly departing hero> GERMAN SOLDIER #1 Er ist davongekommen! Ich kann gar nicht glauben, dass er davongekommen ist! [Translation: He got away! I can't believe he got away!] GERMAN SOLDIER #2 Das war Ace Rimmer! Wir haben Glueck, dass wir noch am Leben sind! [Translation: That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!] <Suddenly , the forgotten alligator drops solidly out of the sky, flattening both soldiers where they stand> <A third soldier runs up to his fellows, glancing down at them before looking skyward> [Cut to a view of the blue sky, where ACE has miraculously coaxed his rocket bike's exhaust smoke to sky-write "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast" in flowing script] GERMAN SOLDIER #3 Was fuer ein Kerl! [Translation: What a guy!] [------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------] [-- 6 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------] <Deep space. Starbug flies past a ringed planet> [-- 7 - Int. Starbug. Day -------------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER present. They are walking through Starbug's dreary, metal corridors] KRYTEN I simply cannot believe you're going to go through with this, sir. [KRYTEN, LISTER step through hatchway] LISTER I'm a man, Kryten, with a man's urges, and a man's desires. [LISTER goes OOV] <KRYTEN taps a wall panel before walking OOV and the hatchway door slides closed. It is marked Artificial Reality Suite"] [-- 8 - AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER in a small, roughly cubic room featuring computer panels on the walls and a large mechanical seating contraption in it's center - like the Red Dwarf TIV room hallucinated by the crew in Back To Reality'] <KRYTEN and LISTER take seats in the AR machine and LISTER begins to remove his shoes> KRYTEN Well what about an ice-cold shower, sir? LISTER I've used up this year's water supply with ice-cold showers, Kryten. I was looking at the log this morning: a 112 gallons! If I carry on like this my libido's gonna cause a drought. <The AR unit's headset whirrs down over LISTER's face> KRYTEN You think this is the answer? [-- 9 - OB. A field in the AR game ----------------------------------------] [KRYTEN and LISTER walk toward camera across a large field backed by trees and shrubs, the sun shining in clear skies. LISTER is dressed in antique chainmail and black surcoat like that of a knight, while KRYTEN wears the clothes of a squire. Kryten carries a small red book in his hand] LISTER Look, I know how it may look from the outside - KRYTEN Going into an AR simulation with a book of cheats, and seducing the Queen of Camelot? Words fail me. It's quite the most unchivalrous thing I've ever heard in my life! LISTER Are you my faithful manservant or what? KRYTEN I'm ashamed to be with you, sir! I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr. Rimmer's soup. [-- 10 - OB. A tourney at Camelot within the AR game ----------------------] [In the grounds of a castle, a large pavilion has been set up, in which are seated the King and Queen of Camelot. Peasants mill in front of the pavilion, alongside soldiers and horses] [KING, QUEEN, spectators present] <A fanfare is trumpeted> [Enter LISTER, KRYTEN] KING <addressing the crowd> Is there any man, across the length and breadth of our great land, that dare challenge the King's best knight? [Enter KING'S KNIGHT] [FX: Cheers rise from the crowd, and the knight raises a hand in acknowledgement] LISTER I do, sir! KING And you are, sir? LISTER Lister, of Smeg. KING Good knight, do you accept this challenge from... 'Lister of Smeg'? KING'S KNIGHT I do, my King. KING And what do you claim if the victory should be yours, my lord? KING'S KNIGHT I claim nothing, sire. Serving the king is reward enough. [FX: Cheers from the crowd and the knight holds up a hand modestly] KING And you... 'Lister of Smeg', what prize do you claim if you should defeat my best knight? LISTER I claim, my lord, a night and a day in the bed of your good lady... [FX: Shouts of outrage from the spectators] KING 'A night and a day in the bed of my good lady'? QUEEN <standing> <French accented> We accept ze challenge... KING Do we? QUEEN Oui, we do. [TWO-SHOT: In the pavilion, the KING stands to consult with the QUEEN] KING My lady, I think we should discuss this matter in private... QUEEN Do you not 'ave faith in your good knight, to cut this dog down where 'e stands? KING I do! Sort of. QUEEN Zen we accept. KING <still looking unsure> Good knight - bring me this knave's manhood on a silver platter - LISTER 'Ey, steady! KING - then disembowel him, and feed his innards to the crows! [FX: Cheers from the crowd once more] LISTER This is worse than playing away at Leeds! [Exit KRYTEN, LISTER, KING'S KNIGHT; departing to their horses] <LISTER climbs into his saddle as a fanfare is blown> QUEEN When mah lace 'ankerchief, flutters onto ze ground, the challenge shall commence! [-- 11 - OB. Jousting range -----------------------------------------------] LISTER I just lurve that accent... rrrrrrarrr! KRYTEN If I were you, Mr. Galahad, sir, I'd concentrate on memorising your cheats book. <KRYTEN hands LISTER his helmet> <MONTAGE : Dramatic music plays over the sounds of the crowd. A cheer goes up as the QUEEN lets her handkerchief drop, and the two combatants square lower their visors, raise lances, and charge> LISTER Cheat one: codeword 'steedcheat' Haa! <As they charge, the knight's horse suddenly transforms into a miniature Shetland pony. Lister laughs, throws down his lance and, as they pass, draws a sword and lops off the knight's head. It flies through the air and lands in the King's lap. He turns it around and stares at it incredulously as Lister rides back to him and his Queen> [-- 12 - OB. By the pavilion ----------------------------------------------] [KING, QUEEN present] [Enter LISTER, removing his helmet] LISTER I claim my prize, my lord. <FX : Howls and shouts from the crowd as the Queen, smiling enigmatically, makes her way out of the pavilion to join LISTER. Kryten hides his face and the crowd boo and jeer as they walk off toward a tent. An anonymous voice from the crowd may, or may not, be heard to shout You slag!"> KING <calling after them> You are the scurviest knave in Christendom! And I swear to you: your scheme to seduce my fair lady will not succeed! <KING holds up a solid looking key> [FX: Cheers from the crowds] LISTER Cheat 2: codeword 'chastitycheat' <The QUEEN suddenly stops walking and wiggles her hips. Something clangs to the ground beneath her dress, and she steps forward uncovering a now-unlocked metal chastity belt. Lister leads her into the tent, and with great embarrassment, KRYTEN fussily closes the flap> KRYTEN Scum! Absolute scum. [Exit KRYTEN] KING If he that calls himself Lister of Smeg has a grain of honour in his soul, that tent will part this very instant - [Cut to tent, which begins shaking rhythmically]. Cut back to KING] KING - and he will return to me my lady, and beg the King's forgiveness! <The tent flap opens and LISTER pokes his head out> LISTER Has anybody got any whipped cream? KING 'Whipped cream'? [-- 13 - Ext. Deep Space --------------------------------------------------] [ACE's Dimension jumping ship is streaming through space] COMPUTER VOICE [VO] Ace, we need to find a dimension close by. ACE [VO] Understood, computer. Prepare to jump. <Space around the ship warps, and the craft blurs from view> [-- 14 - OB. The AR tourney -----------------------------------------------] [Scene cuts back to the AR game, viewpoint centered around the tent] [KRYTEN present, outside the shaking tent, LISTER present within. Suddenly all the scenery around LISTER and KRYTEN suddenly vanish, leaving them alone in an empty field. LISTER is now wearing only a long undershirt and looks very disappointed> LISTER Hey!! What's happening? KRYTEN Power failure, sir! Electrics are going down. [LISTER and KRYTEN fade] [-- 15 - Int. AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------] [Sirens blare and alert lights are flashing madly. KRYTEN and LISTER remove their electrodes and sensors. Along the way, LISTER has removed his pants and has acquired an obviously designed device which fits over his groin. Mercifully out of shot, he begins to remove it as they speak] LISTER The red, green, and blue alert signs are all flashing! What the smeg is happening? KRYTEN Well, either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco. [-- 16 - Int. Starbug corridor --------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, in 'maximum jog' mode, darts through a hatchway at the far end of the corridor and waddles speedily towards camera, heading toward the cockpit] [-- 17 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------] [Starbug caught in the midst of a rippling disturbance. The craft is being buffeted violently] [-- 18 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [CAT, RIMMER present. Both are attempting to coax some reaction from the many consoles and panels ranged before them while avoiding showers of sparks thrown out by the sensitive equipment. Sirens and alerts continue to throw the scene into wild illumination, and RIMMER is spraying a hand-held fire extinguisher liberally around the cockpit] CAT I'm locked out! Everything's dead! Steering's down, thrusters are down and we're heading straight for that ion storm in sector 12! [Enter LISTER, KRYTEN, assuming stations] RIMMER Morning! KRYTEN What the smeeee is going on? RIMMER A power drain is knocking out all the generators! LISTER Cause? CAT An object of such awesome power and charisma it's flattened all the grids! At first I thought it was me; turns out it's some kind of craft Dimension Jumping. KRYTEN Any ident details? RIMMER The last time we came across a lunatic trying to pull a stunt like this it was 'Captain Smug Git' himself: 'Ace Rimmer'. Dear God, don't make it be him, I couldn't bear it. CAT <into communications microphone> This is the JMC transport ship 'Starbug' opening channels, please identify yourselves. [SHOT: Close up of a monitor panel; camera POV of ACE, seated in his craft's cockpit] ACE [Mic] Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast, how're those kippers doing, fellas? <RIMMER begins head-butting his console in despair> CAT Ace, buddy! How're you doin'? ACE [Mic] All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you're wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye. CAT Wow, that's sharp. Thanks buddy! RIMMER According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never be enough. [-- 19 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------] [Int. The recent miraculous expansion of Starbug has left it equipped with a fully functional docking bay, which ACE's ship now occupies. Camera pans by ACE's ship] [-- 20 - Int. Airlock -----------------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT present] [Enter ACE] LISTER Ace - good to see ya! How're you doing? <ACE shakes LISTER by the hand, almost giving LISTER whiplash> ACE Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close; ship's computer made a minor calculation error. Poor thing's got a bit of a crush on me; it doesn't know what day it is. KRYTEN So, what have you been up to, sir? ACE Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done. [Exit ACE] CAT What a guy! [-- 21 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [RIMMER present, seated at the main table and watching ACE's arrival on a monitor screen. As he sees Cat leave the docking bay after ACE, he turns the monitor off with a voice command, a disgusted look twisting face] RIMMER Off! [Enter ACE, LISTER, KRYTEN, CAT] ACE So, what's new with you chaps? Arnie? RIMMER I've been pretty damn busy myself, actually. Let me see; I've begun researching the definitive history of pockets, and, I've alphabetised our entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with it's fellows. CAT I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud; we can catch up! For starters you can tell me the name of your stylist! ACE Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm. [CAT preens and begins to slink towards the cockpit] ACE Incidentally, it's AstroCuts, in the Theta sector, Dimension 24. Ask for Alphonse. CAT Yeoooowww, yeeah! [ACE starts to climb the stairs leading to the sleeping quarters] ACE Arnie, up for a stroll? RIMMER Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas. ACE I'll take that as a 'no', then. [Exit ACE] LISTER Oh Rimmer, go with him. RIMMER I don't want to. KRYTEN But, sir, he wants you to. RIMMER And I want him to choke to death on his own smug gittyness. We don't always get what we want. LISTER But Rimmer, he asked for you. He obviously feels some sort of bond. RIMMER The only 'bonding' I want to do with him involves a tube of superglue and a rabid hamster! <The others stare at RIMMER relentlessly> RIMMER Oh all *right*. I'm going. God! [Exit RIMMER] [-- 22 - Int. Corridor outside sleeping quarters --------------------------] [Enter RIMMER, ACE] RIMMER Okay, allow me to show you to your sleeping quarters. They're about fifty yards down there on the right. Bye! [Exit RIMMER, through a hatch to a side corridor] <ACE suddenly clutches his chest, letting out a grunt, and staggers. RIMMER hears him and looks back through the hatch> ACE I think - I may need some help here, Arn. [-- 23 - Int. Guest sleeping quarters -------------------------------------] [Enter RIMMER, ACE. RIMMER drags the half-conscious ACE, slumped over his hard-light shoulder, through the hatchway, and ACE collapses onto the bed] RIMMER I knew it! You pretend to be a big shot while they're around, but as soon as no-one's watching you're as butch as an ice-skater's friend. What's the problem? Travel sickness? The strap on your padded codpiece too tight again? ACE Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic but, I'm afraid I'm... on the way out. RIMMER You're what? ACE About to visit the great airfield in the sky. Lose all my breathing privileges. RIMMER You're dying? ACE You've got it, Arn. Your brain moves quicker than a nun's first curry. RIMMER You're really dying? <ACE pulls himself up from the bunk and leans against the far wall of the quarters> ACE Arnie, I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer. <RIMMER laughs> ACE I mean it, Arn! RIMMER Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms? ACE The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent. RIMMER And you think, I'm your man? ACE It's your destiny, Arnie. RIMMER What, to wind up looking like a reject from a Gay Pride disco? ACE You're just afraid, old son. Afraid that you're not good enough. You've always wanted to play the hero. RIMMER I'm not you. I think we established that in your last visit. <RIMMER turns and walks out> ACE I'm not the Ace you met last time, Arnie. <Rimmer , almost through the hatchway, stops and turns back. A sudden flash of pain causes ACE to clutch his chest and slump against the bunk> ACE He caught the business end of a neutron tank in Dimension 165. I'm a hard light hologram, just like you. RIMMER Ace is dead? <ACE forces himself to straighten and glares at RIMMER> ACE I took over from him, and I want you to take over from me. [O/S: Ace opens his jacket and sickly green light spills out, beams eerily illuminating Rimmer's shocked face] RIMMER My god! What *is* that stuff? ACE <closing his jacket> Light Bee's been hit pretty bad, it's a power leakage. Electro-magnetic radiation; I haven't got long. About the time I usually like to spend making love - say, 12 hours, maybe less. After that I'll be too weak to train you. <ACE leans forward on a table, his eyes boring into RIMMER> ACE What do you say? [BEAT] [Exit RIMMER] [-- 24 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------] [Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet] [-- 25 - Int. Medical unit ------------------------------------------------] [LISTER, ACE present. ACE sits back on the diagnosis couch while LISTER fiddles with controls and consoles] ACE It's part of the legend, I'm not the first Ace, not even the second. There have been, well, let's just say 'more than a couple'. As one Ace dies, he recruits his replacement from a parallel dimension; we all start off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies. LISTER We're talking about a man who, at the first sight of danger, cowers under tables with a colander on his head. ACE Skipper, you can't judge a book by its cover. LISTER And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book; for a start a book's got a spine. ACE Let me train him, that's all I ask. Talk to him; persuade him. [-- 26 - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [RIMMER present, seated at the table, reading a book] [Enter LISTER] <LISTER keeps bursting into subdued laughter, obviously finding something very funny and making a bad job of trying not to show it> RIMMER What is it? What's the joke? LISTER Nothin', nothin'. <LISTER heads into the galley section. He starts laughing again and stifles it badly> RIMMER Well clearly it's not 'nothing'. Clearly you've just heard something terribly amusing, clearly. <LISTER takes a can of lager from the fridge> LISTER It's just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the next Ace Rimmer -- <LISTER bursts out in uncontrolled laughter> RIMMER Yes, sadly I've got to sort out my shoe collection, or I'd have jumped at it like a shot. LISTER It's just, you, y'know? The next Ace... <laugh> The very idea. <LISTER leaves RIMMER at the table and heads into the cockpit. Stung, RIMMER follows him in> RIMMER It's not so ridiculous, Lister! [-- 27 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, taking his seat with an amused smile] [Enter RIMMER] RIMMER Other versions of me have turned into him. In fact, if I wasn't needed around here so badly, I think I'd very likely take him up on it. LISTER Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic, underachieving, sniveling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence, but get real, man; most eunuchs have got more balls than you. RIMMER Well *that*, my fine, madras-guzzling friend, is where you are wrong, because I've taken Ace up on his offer, and training begins... <He checks his watch> RIMMER ...right now. [Exit RIMMER, leaving LISTER alone with his smile] [-- 28 - Int. AR Suite ----------------------------------------------------] [ACE, RIMMER present] [Ace has patched himself and Rimmer into the AR machine. Each occupy one seat of the machine] [-- 29 - Ext. A mountain vista --------------------------------------------] [ADO: ACE and RIMMER are both seated on flying carpets, sweeping speedily high above a snow-covered mountain range] [RIMMER, ACE present] RIMMER Er, why have you brought me here? ACE Take a look around, Arnie. The plateaux, the summit. This is where you must be to become Ace Rimmer. RIMMER No, this where you must be to become Maria Von Trapp. ACE Just concentrate! Feel the wind on your face; *be* the wind, Arnie. Unleash the wild power you know lurks inside you. Be the cougar running free and unfettered through the mountains. RIMMER Be the what? ACE Come on, man, you can do it, concentrate! <RIMMER s face scrunches up with effort> ACE See the cougar, Arnie? It's you; can you see it? <In RIMMER's mind, a image appears of a hamster running purposefully within it's little wheel> RIMMER Err, sort of. [-- 30 - Model shot -------------------------------------------------------] [Deep space. Starbug flies by a planet] [-- 31 - Int. ACE's Quarters ----------------------------------------------] [Enter RIMMER] RIMMER Oh, I'll never be Ace! We tried, we failed! I give up. [Enter ACE; walking with effort, he slumps against the entry hatch] ACE All your life you've given up. RIMMER Well, maybe after more training! ACE I can't keep up the dog and pony show any longer. It's now or never. <ACE takes out a small device from his flight-suit> RIMMER What's that? ACE Light Bee Remote. <ACE taps a button on the Remote, and RIMMER is suddenly dressed in a shiny flight-suit like that of ACE. ACE throws the Remote onto the bunk, takes a pair of shades from his suit and hands them to RIMMER> ACE If you can fool your crew-mates into thinking you're me, we'll know you're ready. <Unexpectedly , ACE removes his immaculately coiffured hairpiece and hands it to a surprised RIMMER. RIMMER puts it on, backwards. ACE slumps onto the bunk> RIMMER <plaintively> But I'm not ready! ACE Try it the other way around. <RIMMER turns the wig around, and slips on the shades uncomfortably> [Exit RIMMER] [-- 32 - Int. Corridor within Starbug -------------------------------------] <Left to himself for a moment within the empty corridors of Starbug, RIMMER tries to get into the part of Ace Rimmer> RIMMER <thickly accented> "The name's Rimmer," <RIMMER tries to toss his hair, succeeding only in knocking his shades off his nose> RIMMER Oh, this is ridiculous. <RIMMER moves to head down the corridor, and a hatchway opens up ahead> [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Ah, Mr. Ace, sir. Everything okay? RIMMER <in his usual voice> What? Er, yes, Kryten. Krytie. <RIMMER coughs exageratedly, his tone changing to as close to ACE as he can> RIMMER Uh-huh, yeah, everything's fine. KRYTEN Are you sure, sir, you sound a little different? RIMMER Errr, could you be more specific? KRYTEN Er, 67% more weasely. RIMMER Eeeeerrrrrrr, sore throat, er, sore throat. Er, um, bug going around, a holographic virus. But it affects humans too. Arnie's got it. I've quarantined him for twenty-four hours; no one's to go near him. KRYTEN Ah, I was just wondering, sir: we've run out of bacofoil about six months ago; I don't suppose you have a spare jacket I might roast a chicken in? RIMMER Listen, you stupid, jumped-up little son-of-a -- Ohhhhhhh! Sorry, old friend; afraid not, catch you later. [Exit RIMMER] [-- 33 - Int. Corridors outside AR suite ----------------------------------] [RIMMER enters, still looking uneasy, and perhaps planning to return to ACE's mountain simulation. He turns a corner and notices thick white smoke roiling around the entrance to the suite. Puzzled he begins to investigate. Suddenly, the door to the AR unit clangs open; and through the smoke, a figure walks purposefully out. We see he is dressed in the same armour and surcoat as the King's Knight from Lister's AR game. RIMMER shrinks back against the wall, unsure of what is happening] KING'S KNIGHT I bid you good day, my lord. I come in search of the knave called 'Lister of Smeg'. RIMMER <noticing the knight's large sword> Now wait a minute, old friend, let's just stay calm, shall we? KING'S KNIGHT Are you one of his household? RIMMER Errr, in a manner of speaking... KING'S KNIGHT Then prepare to die! <Chivalrously , the knight tosses RIMMER a sword with which to defend himself. Unprepared, RIMMER catches it blade first and holds it awkwardly out in front of him. Without wasting any further time, the knight attacks RIMMER, and they begin to fight. For RIMMER, this involves much backpedaling and judicious amounts of dodging, though to his credit he manages to successfully fence with the knight for a moment before being forced back against a wall> RIMMER Let's talk about this shall we, over a pot of tea and some toasted muffins? <The knight dogs RIMMER relentlessly, his sword swinging and sending sparks flying from storage compartments and access ladders. After fending off another series of deadly swings, Rimmer again finds himself up against the proverbial hard place> RIMMER Okay, how about some scones and clotted cream? Dundee cake? Battenburg?? <Again the knight presses forward his attack and RIMMER runs for his life. In the midst of his panic he finds himself at the end of a corridor which curves further into the ship. Beside him, on a shelf, is a chance of survival; a chance of life; a bazookoid. Even as the knight is almost upon him, RIMMER grabs the bazookoid, swings its barrel out in front of him and fires a blast squarely against the knights chest, knocking the insane attacker back. RIMMER cranks the loading mechanism, looses off three more shots and the knight goes down, twitching and jerking> RIMMER My God! I did it! [Exit RIMMER] <Suddenly , the knight stands up. He strides over to the bazookoid used by RIMMER, picks it up and ejects it's ammunition cartridge> [SHOT: we see the word 'BLANK' written on the blue cartridge, which the knight temporarily places on the bazookoid's shelf, before taking out a second, red, cartridge] [SHOT: we see the word 'LIVE' written on the red cartridge which the knight jams into the bazookoid's ammunition chamber. He then picks up the cartridge of blanks] <The knights lifts his visor; it's LISTER> LISTER <with KNIGHT's voice> So far - <LISTER removes a small metal voice-modulation device from his mouth> LISTER - so good. [-- 34 - Int. ACE's Quarters ----------------------------------------------] [ACE present, laid back on the bunk in obvious discomfort] [Enter RIMMER, running and excited] RIMMER I did it! That's the most heroic thing I've done since I set fire to Stinky Bateman's turn-ups in third from prep! ACE Well done, Arnie; you've done us proud. Smoke me a kipper... I'll be back for -- <ACE s Light Bee crackles and hisses, and his image glows a ghastly white before fading from sight. All that remains is the dead lightbee resting on the bunk> [Enter CAT, KRYTEN] CAT What's happenin', bro? What's happened to goalpost head? RIMMER <softly> No, you don't understand. It's not me, it's him. KRYTEN Sir, you're in shock - the trauma has made you speak like Mr. Rimmer. CAT What happened? [Enter LISTER] <LISTER approaches the empty bunk, sees the light bee, and picks it up> LISTER Ah, one of them knights has escaped from the AR machine. It's killed Rimmer. <He gestures meaningfully with the light bee in front of RIMMER's face> LISTER *Isn't that right, Ace*? <RIMMER stares at LISTER, his expression unreadable> [-- 35 - Int. Starbug corridor --------------------------------------------] [ALL present] LISTER We should give Rimmer a decent send-off, y'know. It's the least he deserves. KRYTEN I just can't believe it. CAT Neither can I. I was only insulting him just this morning. KRYTEN Poor Mr. Rimmer. I haven't felt this wretched since Spare Head #3 told me the others held a poll, and voted *me* the 'big-eared, ugly one'. [-- 36 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------] [Starbug flies through a ghostly illuminated nebula] [-- 37 - Int. Gantry within Starbug ---------------------------------------] [RIMMER present] [Enter LISTER] LISTER Heyy. Decided what you're gonna do? RIMMER I thought I'd stick around here for a bit. "Get the hang of the character, as it were". <LISTER smiles at RIMMER's impersonation, gazing all the while at a metal, palm-sized device he holds in his hands. Rimmer notices it> RIMMER What's that? LISTER Ace asked me to fit it. Said it would take his coffin to its 'final resting place', alongside all the other Ace Rimmers. He's left some more beacons behind for the Ace's that follow you. RIMMER I'm getting cold feet, Listy. I'm not sure I can go through with it. *Leave*, I mean. *Be* Ace. LISTER You heard what he said; it's your destiny. RIMMER It's my destiny to be a smug, self-satisfied git? LISTER Okay, so he was a bit full of himself, but you can be a different *kind* of Ace, it's up to you. Look, he said if you got cold feet we should follow the coffin. He said it might make you change your mind. [-- 38 - Room within Starbug ---------------------------------------------] [The room, like all others within Starbug, is dreary, dirty and metallic, though here a podium has been set up close to one wall, and a row of chairs line another, in which the Dwarfers sit] [KRYTEN present, standing at the podium. LISTER, RIMMER, CAT present, seated. The mood is solemn, and even LISTER has dressed for the occasion: he fidgets uncomfortably with the stick-on tie he wears over his t-shirt] KRYTEN We are gathered here today to say our final farewells to Mr Rimmer. On occasion he was a small-minded, bureaucratic, incompetent, cowardly little -- person, er, but he also had his good qualities. CAT Those *were* his good qualities! KRYTEN To say something about the finer side of his nature, I'd like to turn now to Mr Lister. <KRYTEN steps down, and he and LISTER, who obviously wasn't expecting this, exchange places> LISTER Alexander the Great's chief eunuch has finally joined his master. The man who kept his underpants on coat-hangers and sewed name labels into his ship- issue condoms has gone. Life will never be the same. We have lost the finest, the most dedicated vending machine repair man the Space Corps - no, no - the *universe* has ever known. No one ever pressed for a Coke, and got oxtail soup and orange juice by mistake on *his* shift - well, actually, that's not true: we all did but what the smeg, this is his eulogy. He didn't have very many friends, but those that he did have were with him at the end. Even Rachel, who I suppose in many ways is his widow. [Camera pans along the seated Dwarfers, stopping at a fourth chair upon sits Rachel, the inflatable doll, dressed in widow's black] LISTER See ya smeg 'ead. CAT Later, bud. KRYTEN Goodbye Mr. Smeeee Heeee. RIMMER <voice cracking> Bye, Ironballs. LISTER Finally this: When Rimmer originally died aboard Red Dwarf, Holly brought him back as a hologram, to keep me sane - never an easy task. He succeeded spectacularly, and for this accomplishment, we award him this: Kryten, place *First Officer* Rimmer's decoration into the coffin. KRYTEN Right away, sir. <KRYTEN lovingly lays the pips and insignia over the ruined lightbee and closes the lid of the small unit. LISTER places it into the waste disposal unit and solemnly ejects it into space> LISTER Gentlemen: First Officer Rimmer. <LISTER leads the others in a full single-Rimmer salute> ALL First Officer Rimmer. [-- 39 - Model/CGI sequence -----------------------------------------------] [Following the coffin, it leads the Dwarfers through a swirling warp of some kind before losing itself in amongst hundreds of other similar capsules. The camera pans back and we see that the hundred are actually thousands upon millions upon billions - panning out further and further until the billions we saw are in fact a tiny piece of a huge glowing band, a band which, in turn, is the majestic ring of an enormous gas giant> [-- 40 - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [LISTER, RIMMER present] RIMMER All those Rimmers... LISTER They all did it. They all became Ace; passed on the flame. Are you really gonna be the one to break the chain? [-- 41 - Int. Starbug docking area ----------------------------------------] [ACE's ship sits, powered up, on the launching platform, the newly-reborn ACE RIMMER seated in the cockpit] [ALL present] ACE RIMMER It's been a blast, fellers. LISTER Bye, man. CAT Bye, dude. KRYTEN Au revoir, Mr Ace, sir. ACE RIMMER Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas. Whatever. <ACE RIMMER presses buttons on the ship's console in an apparent launch sequence; suddenly his chair is ejected from the craft and he lands back on the launching platform, a short distance from the Dwarfers. Picking himself up quickly, he swaggers back to them> ACE RIMMER Just had to say one last goodbye! <He shakes the hands of KRYTEN and CAT, and gives LISTER a quick hug> ACE RIMMER Seeya, Davey boy. LISTER <grinning wryly> Yeah, good luck, man... [-- 42 - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------] [Deep space. ACE RIMMER's ship sweeps across shot and away, leaving Starbug to chug ever onward through space] [---------------------- END OF "STOKE ME A CLIPPER" -----------------------] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]