Nanarchy - Script v0.7

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

And so it came to pass...

@ 26Mar97

It's been a long and arduous road, but the "Nanarchy" script brings my labour of love to a close.

This is version 0.7 of the script, and is reasonably complete, just lacking in Model Shot details and scene numbering.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Paul Alexander and James Hendrie, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-97

26Mar97 +

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 8 -- NANARCHY [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.7 18-26 March, 1997 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk Credits for corrections: Sea, Annette McIntosh [-- 1 - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------] KRYTEN [VO] Last week on Red Dwarf, something terrible happenned to Mr Lister's arm! Watch this! [MONTAGE: Series of scenes from Episode 7, Epideme, as follows:] [-- 2 - Int. Chamber within derelict --------------------------------------] [CAT present] [Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT] <CAT is running gloved hands over a large, thick slab of ice, and peering into it intently> CAT Hey guys, check this out! There's a woman in there! [-- 3 - Int. Starbug. Night ----------------------------------------------] <Ice breaks open. Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure shuffles out of the medibay> [-- 4 - Int. Sleeping Quarters. Night ------------------------------------] [LISTER present] <LISTER struggles, but can't keep the zombie away. She pins him down and plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him. Lister pushes her away finally, the corpse having gone suddenly limp, and spits out chunks of tongue and spongy jawbone> [-- 5 - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------] [ALL present] LISTER I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! [-- 6 - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------] [LISTER, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present] KRYTEN Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no matter how drastic? LISTER Yeah, what have you got, Kryts? [-- 7 - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present. LISTER present, unconscious on the bed] <Desperately , KRYTEN raises the laser bone-saw and amputates to the middle of LISTER's upper arm> [-- 8 - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------] [KOCHANSKI, LISTER present] LISTER My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right?? KOCHANSKI We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry. [Enter KRYTEN, CAT] KRYTEN Mr Lister, sir, you're awake! CAT Buddy, you look great! <CAT rushes towards LISTER and, without thinking, offers a handshake. He realises his mistake and slinks back> [------------------ <RUN NEW RED DWARF 7 TITLE SEQUENCE> ------------------] [-- x - Int. Starbuf mid-section -----------------------------------------] [SHOT: LISTER playing the guitar, only his head and his left hand on the fretboard are visible. Pan out to...] [TWO-SHOT: KRYTEN present, leaning over LISTER's right shoulder and strumming the guitar. The noise is still hideous. Pan out] [ALL present. CAT and KOCHANSKI are sat at the opposite side of the table to LISTER, both wearing pained expressions. LISTER and KRYTEN bring the sonnet to a close] KRYTEN Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there's no need for despondency; you can *still* play the guitar! LISTER Yeah, look on the bright side... at least now I'm only *half* crap... KRYTEN We should still count all our blessings, sir. KOCHANSKI Kryten's right; the Epideme virus may have cost you a limb but there are *countless* people who have lost an arm, and then gone on to lead a perfectly - <KOCHANSKI mimes the verbal quote marks using only one hand> KOCHANSKI - "normal" life. LISTER Like who? KRYTEN Oh, there are *thousands*, sir. Thousands upon thousands upon thousands. LISTER Like? KOCHANSKI More than thousands. LISTER Who? KOCHANSKI Millions! LISTER *Who*?? KRYTEN Well, I don't know if I could name them all individually, but - LISTER Name *one*. KRYTEN One? LISTER Mm. KRYTEN You want me to name as many as that? Er - KOCHANSKI Lord Nelson. He beat the French. KRYTEN Lord Nelson! (Thank you, ma'am) He beat the French. LISTER Who else? KRYTEN Well, er, err... KOCHANSKI The Venus de Milo. KRYTEN The Venus de Milo. No arms at all, but that certainly didn't prevent her from persuing a highly successful modeling career. LISTER Go on. KRYTEN Go on? LISTER You said there were millions; that's two, and one of them's a statue. So go on: name five. KRYTEN Five? Right, well... there's, um <ahem> There's Lord Nelson, and, er, Miss De Milo, and then there's, um, the, well, em... Help us! Er, the, um - CAT The painter dude! LISTER What 'painter dude'? CAT The Welsh guy. You know? The one with one arm! Van G-g-gogh. LISTER He had one *ear*, Cat. He cut the other one off. CAT Did he? LISTER Yes. CAT See? That dude manages to cut off his own ear with just one arm, and you're worried about not leading a normal life. KOCHANSKI There must be more... erm... that guy from 'The Fugitive'! He had one arm, what was his name? LISTER 'The One-Armed Man'. KOCHANSKI That's him! See? That's three. LISTER He was a murderer. KOCHANSKI Was he? LISTER Yeah. He killed Doctor Richard Kimble's wife. KOCHANSKI But that proves my point. You see, if that guy can murder a perfectly able-bodied woman, minus a major extremity, then I don't think you've got anything to worry about. LISTER Come on, let's face it guys: there aren't *any* noteworthy one-armed people from history - you can't even name five. KOCHANSKI Of course we can! Look: Horatio Nelson; the one-armed guy from 'The Fugitive'; the Venus de Milo; Van Gogh, and... one more... CAT That Mexican dude! The one who robbed people! LISTER What one who robbed people? CAT The one-armed bandit..! LISTER That's a *machine*, you gimp! One of the most popular pub games of the twentieth century. CAT And it only had one arm? What a heartwarming story... KOCHANSKI Er! Dave Lister. There, that's five. <LISTER sighs heavily and gets to his feet> LISTER I'm going to the loo. I don't actually need to go now, but seeing as it takes me forty five minutes to unbutton m' fly, I should probably make a start... KOCHANSKI Do you need a hand..? Oh my god! I'm sorry, I didn't mean that... sorry, I didn't - Sorry. Sorry! SORRY!! [Exit LISTER] KOCHANSKI Sorry. [-- x - Int. Starbug. Lister's Sleeping Quarters -------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER present. LISTER is sat morosely at a table, a leaden expression on his face and his one arm in his lap. A mug of tea and a biscuit are in front of him, both of which he shows no sign of wishing to consume. KRYTEN hovers behind him] KRYTEN Biscuit, sir? LISTER Please. <KRYTEN dunks the biscuit in the tea and holds it so that LISTER can take a bite. He replaces the biscuit and waits a few moments more> KRYTEN Another bik-bik? LISTER Yes, please. [Enter KOCHANSKI] <KRYTEN solicitously dunks the biscuit again and holds it up for LISTER, then replaces it next to the mug> KOCHANSKI Kryten..? what are you doing? KRYTEN I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am. It's another of life's joys, of which poor Mr Lister has been robbed. Isn't that right, sir? LISTER Could you give my nose a tweak? I've got a bit of an itch. KOCHANSKI Why can't you itch it yourself? You've still got one arm. <Both ignoring her, KRYTEN carefully twitches a finger under LISTER's nose> KRYTEN There. Is that better, sir? LISTER Yeah, a bit. KOCHANSKI Kryten, I told you before: he wants to be independant. He doesn't need you running around after him like he's some kind of invalid. KRYTEN But he does, he does! Don't you, sir? <LISTER doesn't answer> KRYTEN Another slurp of tea, sir? KOCHANSKI Oh, this is making me sick. KRYTEN Take no notice of her, sir. It's nearly suppertime. Chuckie-eggs tonight, sir, which your toast cut up into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized soldiers of varying ranks. LISTER Thanks, Kryts, but maybe I can cut up my own toast? KRYTEN Oh, just like you asked for, sir. KOCHANSKI Asked for..? KRYTEN Now just remember, sir: Kryten knows best! LISTER I wanna stretch me legs... take a walk around the ship. <LISTER stands and heads towards the door, however before he takes more than a few steps, KRYTEN darts ahead and slaps at the door panel> KRYTEN Just opening the door for you, sir. There we go, the door's open, sir. LISTER Cheers. KRYTEN Just closing the door now, sir. [Exit LISTER> KRYTEN <calling after LISTER> The door's closing, sir, the door's nearly closing, and it's *closed*, sir. KOCHANSKI Florence Nightingdroid... could I have a word? KRYTEN Certainly, ma'am. [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ----------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present] KOCHANSKI Look, deep down I'm a big softie. The first time I saw Gone With The Wind I went through a whole box of tissues. 'Now Voyager', I was so choked up I couldn't speak for twenty minutes. KRYTEN I'll make a note, ma'am... 'Now Voyager' [mutters:] Worth keeping on stand-by... Carry on, ma'am! KOCHANSKI I'm *saying*, I'm *not* a heartless bitch. So you'll understand that what I'm about to say isn't easy: Back off Lister - let him learn to cope on his own, it's the only way. KRYTEN I don't understand, ma'am. KOCHANSKI By helping him, you're *not* helping him. KRYTEN But if it wasn't for me he wouldn't even be wearing underpants! KOCHANSKI Have you ever heard of something called 'tough love'? KRYTEN Does it involve dressing up? KOCHANSKI No. It means, sometimes to help a person you have to get tough! Make them stand on their own two feet, or in Lister's case, one hand! KRYTEN I see. So you think it's time to let him start brushing his own teeth again? KOCHANSKI I do, yes. I also think it's time you built him an artificial arm and gave him the chance not to be so dependant on you. KRYTEN I was meaning to get around to that, ma'am, but, what with being on twenty-four hour 'wipe alert', I haven't had time! KOCHANSKI 'Wipe alert'? No! Don't even tell me what that means. I have a feeling I know, and if I'm right, it's the *grossest* thing I have ever heard! KRYTEN I mean his mouth... I help him get rid of the crumbs around his mouth..? KOCHANSKI Yeah... that's what I thought... <cough> And it's absolutely gross! Mouth crumbs... eurgh! Disgusting. [Exit KOCHANSKI] [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT present, sat at the scanner table across a draughts board] CAT It's a real son-of-a-bitch about your arm, bud. Losing an arm... that is one terrible thing. LISTER Your move. CAT Can you imagine that? One minute you got two arms and the next: vreeee, doof - you got one. Phewwwie. That's tough. LISTER Your move. CAT And it stands to reason we must need two arms - that's why we *got* two arms. Well, 'cept you. LISTER Your move... CAT You're probably wondering: "is it going to affect my life?" But I've been thinking about this and I think the answer is: "Yes, it is". LISTER Your *smegging* move... CAT If it were me, I couldn't survive. First chance I get I'd climb to the top of my highest pair of platform boots and leap to my death or something. I couldn't stand the thought of not being perfect. LISTER Move. CAT But with you I think it's different. Take a pit bull terrier, a real *ugly* son-of-a-bitch. It loses it's leg, somehow, and the pit bull says to you "hey man, I've only got three legs, will lady pit bulls still like me??" <CAT laughs as his own comical impersonation> CAT I mean, you've got to stop from laughing, haven't you? He's ugly with *four* legs! He's ugly with three! Hell, he'd be ugly if you put him in a suit and gave him a carnation. So *here's* something I think is gonna cheer you up! LISTER *It's your move*. CAT Mr Pit Bull? Put it there, buddy! LISTER *MOVE!!* CAT <hearing LISTER for the first time and completely misunderstanding> Okay, okay, I'm going..! I don't think you've been listening to a thing I've said..! [-- x - Model/CGI shot ----------------------------------------------------] [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ----------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER present. KRYTEN has attached a bulky, artificial arm to LISTER's shoulder, which at the moment rests motionless on the worktop which LISTER is seated beside] KRYTEN Right, now this is a copy of the standard model from the 21st century. Er, comfortable, sir? LISTER It's fine, yeah. KRYTEN Okay, now let's recap: the limb is connected to neurons which run up to the left hemisphere of your brain, which controls the right side of your body. Now, all you have to do is merely command the arm to do something, and it obeys. Now, let's practice. KRYTEN Right, concentrate, sir. I want you to think: "arm - pick up the ball". LISTER Okay. KRYTEN Now just think: "I will pick up the ball" LISTER I will pick up the ball. KRYTEN That's right, good, now, concentrate. LISTER *I will pick up the ball*. KRYTEN Okay, now *really* think: Hand -- LISTER I will pick up the ball. KRYTEN -- pick up the ball. That's right, that's right. LISTER *Pick up the ball*. KRYTEN Pick up the ball. Hand, pick up the ball! That's right, now *keep* going, sir! Pick up the ball! Now, focus down onto that and keep the thought, sir! Hand, pick up the ball! <As KRYTEN offers verbal support in ever increasing volume, LISTER strains and grunts, effort twisting his feature as the hand lies motionless> KRYTEN That's right, sir, now keep going, now *really think*, now. Hand, pick up the ball! Now let's really get it going, sir! Pick up the ball! *Pick up the ball*! REALLY START TO GO NOW, SIR! HAND, PICK UP THE BALL, NOW LET'S KEEP MOVING! KEEP ON, SIR, YOU *CAN* DO IT! HAND, PICK UP THE BALL! YOU'RE GOING TO MOVE THAT HAND, SIR! YOU'RE *GOING* TO MOVE IT! MOVE THE HAND, SIR!! HAND! PICK UP THE BALL!! PICK UP THE BALL!! YES SIR! YES! WE'RE STARTING TO MOVE, NOW! YES! IT'S DEFINITELY MOVING, SIR! YES!! Oh! Bravo, sir!! <KRYTEN tails off as LISTER successfuly moves the hand from its resting place to grab the ball which has sat motionless, three or four inches away from where he started> LISTER Oh! The sweat's dripping off me! KRYTEN Oh, that was fantastic, sir! Absolutely marvellous, it worked like a dream! LISTER Is that it? KRYTEN Well, er, how do you mean, sir? LISTER Is that the best it works?? In other words, if I ever want to pick up a ball, am I going to have to take the morning off?? KRYTEN It was a *tad* slow, I'm forced to admit. LISTER A tad? The only thing I've ever seen pick up slower is Rimmer in a disco. KRYTEN Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve it might make it a little more sensitive. Okay, let's try again: "Hand, pick up the ball". LISTER Okay... *hand*, *pick up*, *the ball*. <LISTER s arm shoots forward and clangs across KRYTEN's inattentive jaw> KRYTEN Okay... right... well, er, let's try again. LISTER Okay? KRYTEN Now: "Hand, pick up the ball". LISTER Hand, pick up the ball. <The arm flings itself out sideways and cracks KRYTEN again> KRYTEN I think, sir, there's a lot of anger inside you, and that's what's driving the arm. LISTER I don't *feel* angry..? KRYTEN Well, you've lost your arm, sir, you've every *right* to feel angry. LISTER I don't! I promise, I don't! KRYTEN Ah well, you see, it's subconscious. You're *thinking* "hand, pick up the ball", but your subconscious is saying "punch Kryten in the head; beat the brains out of the demented droid that cut off my beloved arm". Am I right? LISTER Kryten, that's rubbish! <Again the arm shoots KRYTEN-wards, sending the droid reeling> LISTER You're right! It's controlled by my subconscious! KRYTEN It's far too dangerous to let you out with that arm, sir. Two minutes with Miss Kochanski and who knows what you'd be swinging around your head! [-- x - Int. Starbug midsection ------------------------------------------] [ALL present] KOCHANSKI There must be a solution to this. CAT Hey, half-eaten lollipop head: what about one of your spares? Wha'd'ya say, motherboarder? KRYTEN Too heavy, sir. With the strain and extra weight it would be impossible for Mr Lister even to get it up. CAT He could always take it off if he was going on a date. LISTER Can someone take him outside and do something to him? Ideally involving icecubes and any puckered body cavity. KOCHANSKI Wait a minute... what about your self-repair system? Can't that help? KRYTEN Ma'am? KOCHANSKI When you have a mechanical failure, it fixes itself, doesn't it? The Kryten back in my dimension had these tiny little robots... sub-atomic..? KRYTEN Nanobots. They break objects down into their component atoms and then recombine those atoms to repair damaged circuits. Nanotechnology. CAT Er, just for me: could you run that by me one more time, but this time do the big writing version, with pictures. One word per page? KRYTEN Let me think of a cogent paradigm... CAT I'd rather have a good example..? KRYTEN This, is a lead pencil. It's made of graphite, which is a particular arrangement of carbon atoms. This is diamond, it too is made of carbon atoms. Nanobots can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead pencil, move the atoms around a bit, and turn it into diamond. CAT It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils?? KRYTEN It's also possible to make computer chips out of sand. KOCHANSKI So, what happens if we transferred some of your nanobots into Dave? Wouldn't they be able to build him a new arm from his excess body tissue? KRYTEN Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible, no. LISTER Why not? KRYTEN I no longer have any nanobots, sir. They deserted me. When and where I can't be exactly certain. LISTER But if we were to find these nanobots, could they build me a new arm? KRYTEN Oh, but finding them would be close to impossible, sir. It would be like looking for a needle in a male student's flat. KOCHANSKI When was the last repair they made? KRYTEN When we were on the Esperanto, just before we met the Despair Squid. LISTER That was ages ago; before we lost the Dwarf. KRYTEN That's why I've given up hope of ever finding them. LISTER Let's set a course back to the Esperanto. KRYTEN But I promise you it's futile, sir. <LISTER stares hard at KRYTEN> KRYTEN I'll start preparing the suspended animation booths... [-- x - Model/CGI shots --------------------------------------------------] [Various shots in sequence of Starbug racing through nebulas, dodging planets, avoiding asteroids and generally zipping through space] [-- x - Int. Starbug corridor --------------------------------------------] [The Dwarfers file through one after another, each dressed in blue overalls and drinking from re-hydration bottles] [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [ALL enter] LISTER Hang on a minute, we're not there... where the smeg are we? KOCHANSKI The computer's brought us out of Deep Sleep early, it must have picked up something. LISTER Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid directly ahead? KRYTEN Just scanning, sir. No, that's ridiculous... KOCHANSKI What is? KRYTEN It's not even worth mentioning, ma'am. Er, must be a scanner fault. Re-scanning. KRYTEN What? Again? LISTER What is it, man? You look shakier than a silicon implant ward during an earthquake. KRYTEN Well, according to all our scanners, that planetoid out there is... Red Dwarf... LISTER Bahh, must be on the blink. KOCHANSKI Of course it's on the blink! We're talking about the same piece of equipment that last month detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses. KRYTEN We spent two weeks checking that out. CAT I knew we gave up to soon! It was worth at least one more week. KRYTEN However, there is one additional factor. KOCHANSKI Which is..? KRYTEN That we've been here before. CAT Of course we have, it's the cockpit, dummy! We come here all the time. KRYTEN In this sector of the galaxy, sir... Doesn't it look familiar? LISTER Kryten, it's space. Black with twinkly bits. It all looks familiar. KRYTEN If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the distance is the ocean world where we discovered the Esperanto. LISTER That was just before we lost Red Dwarf... are you thinking what I'm thinking? CAT I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver studs is a real mistake if you put them on inside out. What are you thinking? LISTER Me? I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and icecubes, again. KRYTEN This planetoid, let's check it out. KOCHANSKI According to the weather scan it's beautiful down there. Tropical temperatures, not a cloud in sight! Suggest we dress for snow and take the buggy. [-- x - Planetside. Int. Exploration buggy -------------------------------] [CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present, all are dressed in large parkas. FX: Sounds of a raging storm can be heard and the buggy is frequently buffeted by strong winds] LISTER Okay, I'm gonna take some readings and grab some soil samples. CAT Looks kinda blowy. KOCHANSKI It's an electric storm, whooshing the sand about. CAT You can say that again. There must be more electricity out there than the surge that went through the national grid during the commercial break in the Olympic all-girls custard wrestling finals! [Exit CAT, out into the storm] <Wind blows madly into the buggy, whipping up a mini sandstorm which clears as the door closes> LISTER Phew! KOCHANSKI I can't believe you're here. Hiw did you persuade Kryten to let you out? LISTER He's not m' mum, Kris. I hope the Cat's not too long, I promised we'd be back by tea. [Enter CAT. He slams the door shut and pulls down the hood of his parka. His hair is wild, blown out of style by the storm] CAT It's impossible out there! LISTER Do you need some different goggles? CAT No, I need a comb! [Exit CAT] <Wind and sand swarm around the interior again until the door bangs shut. KOCHANSKI takes out a small bag from her coat> KOCHANSKI Sweet? LISTER Yeah, thanks. <It s one of those sticky boiled sweets in a wrapper. LISTER fumbles with the wrapper for some time before the sweet pops out and lands on the floor> KOCHANSKI Here, have another one... LISTER I can do it. KOCHANSKI Look, don't be silly, let me. LISTER I can do it, *really*. I'm not an idiot. LISTER Can I ask you a question? Now that I've got no arm... does it - does it make any difference to anything? I mean, if you were a female pit bull terrier, how would you feel about a three-legged -- Does it make any difference to... well, plucking any old relationship out of the air, us? KOCHANSKI Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought you were a no-good, disgusting bum. And I still do. So, no, none at all. LISTER I need to know, is *this* going to make any difference to women? KOCHANSKI Losing an arm isn't going to make any difference to any woman who cares about you. Okay? LISTER Really? KOCHANSKI *Really*. LISTER What about sex? KOCHANSKI Not here, it's too sandy. [Before LISTER can take in her last comment, the door of the buggy is wrenched open and CAT flings himself into his seat. The howling wind is silenced as he bangs shut his door] KOCHANSKI How'd you get on? CAT Take a look. <CAT hands a sample jar to LISTER, who scans it with a particle analyser> LISTER This sand... these atoms didn't start out as sand atoms! They've been engineered, nanobotically! KOCHANSKI From what? LISTER Computer chips, you name it! According to the particle analyser, this planetoid's Red Dwarf... <CAT opens the door and heads out again> KOCHANSKI Where are you going?! CAT I'm gonna need some help! There's a lot of stuff out there, looks like it might be worth checking out! LISTER What stuff? CAT Hey, it feels like the storm's easing off! Come and see for yourself! [-- x - Int. Embarkation area --------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN present] [Enter CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI. Between them the drag on board various boxes of anonymous bric-a-brac] KRYTEN Oh, I was beginning to worry..! Oh! What on earth is this? KOCHANSKI The whole damn planetoid's packed with stuff from Red Dwarf. Supplies, bunks, drinks dispensers, you name it. It's like a giant car boot sale! CAT I think we got some valuable stuff! LISTER What... napkin rings? A box of hairnet requisition forms? A motorised tie rack and an inflatable shark..? What a haul... KOCHANSKI There must be some useful stuff... CAT I couldn't see what I was getting... <LISTER pulls out a large watch-like device and buffs it's surface. The watch screen suddenly comes to life, displaying a somehow familiar image of a disembodied head. The head is of a middle aged, balding man, whose expression is ever so slightly vacant...> HOLLY All right, dudes? LISTER What the smeg are you doing here, Hol? HOLLY Those little wotsits... KOCHANSKI Nanobots? HOLLY They remolicurised... they remolic... they remol... anyway, they did that word that I can't say to the whole ship, and left all the bits they didn't want on that planetoid! LISTER What, they fixed your core program, and then decided they'd be better off without you? HOLLY Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me. KRYTEN Well, from one machine to another: welcome back online, Holly! HOLLY What's happenned to him..? That's quite horrific, isn't it? What was it, a cheap razor? It's just not worth buying them from garages, is it. KRYTEN Don't you remember me? I'm Kryten. HOLLY Kryten? I'm sorry, mate! It's the way the light was shining on your... what's the word? 'Face', I suppose. Just didn't recognise you for a minute. Never forget a face, usually. Never. KRYTEN It's good to see you again. HOLLY And you are..? LISTER Unbelievable... dumped on a planet in the middle of an electro-storm, and left to rot for hundreds of years, and the guy's lost *nothin'*. [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [ALL present] LISTER So, while we were on the Esperanto, your nanobots mutinied and took over Red Dwarf? KRYTEN They wanted a ship. In my body there was nothing new to explore, but Red Dwarf itself was far too big. KOCHANSKI But they're nanobots; they can change anything into anything else. LISTER Yeah, they can take a Pot Noodle and turn it into food! KOCHANSKI So, they took Red Dwarf, made a sub-atomic version, and turned the rest of the atoms into a planetoid for safekeeping? CAT Well what was it we spent months chasing? What was producing that vapour trail? KRYTEN Red Dwarf. CAT Did someone just turn over two pages at once? KRYTEN We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf, that's why the readings were so minute and hard to pinpoint. KOCHANSKI So, now, they could be anywhere? You pursued them across half the galaxy. LISTER Until we finally lost track of the readings - probably because of a scanner malfunction... HOLLY That, or they went somewhere out of the reach of your scanners. CAT But we were gaining on them, bud. How could they out run us? HOLLY Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside. To escape, they just had to stop. KOCHANSKI You mean, the nanos could be in here..? On board Starbug somewhere? LISTER Hey... he could be right. HOLLY He's back... kicking bottom, or what? [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [ALL enter] KRYTEN Re-calibrating scanner, sir. Performing internal sweep. LISTER What are you getting..? KRYTEN Nothing yet... just two pieces of Bombay aloa you dropped several millenia ago down the service ducts, where they appear to evolved a rudimentary intelligence and formed a progressive folk duo. Damn scanner... LISTER Keep looking. KRYTEN Narrowing parameters. Oh... oh my... you were right, sir. I think we've found them. KOCHANSKI Where? [-- x - Int. Starbug sleeping quarters -----------------------------------] [ALL present, gathered around LISTER's linen basket] <KRYTEN runs a scanner over the basket> KRYTEN They're there, okay. LISTER So Red Dwarf spent the last two years exploring strange new worlds in my laundry basket? KRYTEN Of course! The ship is now so small that, to the nanos, a hole in one of your athletic supports is at least the size of a galaxy! LISTER Hey, I like the sound of that: Dave Lister, the man with the galaxy-sized jockstrap! HOLLY The little scamps! It's the oldest trick in the book: capture your ship, turn it into a planet, then explore a macro universe in a laundry basket. How could you fall for an old scam like that? KRYTEN Ma'am, can you tell me if the readings change? <KRYTEN holds a glass and a piece of card and rifles through the basket, clamping the card over the glass> LISTER Same. <KRYTEN rifles through the basket again> LISTER Still the same. <KRYTEN rifles through the basket a third time> LISTER *Still* the same! KOCHANSKI They've changed! <KRYTEN lifts out the glass, carefully keeping the card pressed to the underside> KRYTEN Heh! Nailed the little blighters! After all the embarassment they've caused me! LISTER Kris, see if you can find a frequency to establish contact..? KRYTEN Leave it to me, sir. I know how to make contact... <KRYTEN taps repeatedly on the side of the glass with a pencil> KRYTEN Can you hear me, you pesky little critters?? We want our ship back, and we want a new arm for Mr Lister! Are you receiving me? <Soft , high-pitched warbling tones are suddenly heard, and a wall monitor begins to display page after page of gibberish> KEYTEN Aha, we have contact... They're communicating in machine code; leave the talking to me. Have you any idea what you've done? Deserting your droid, you've broken every reg in the manual! And to compound matters by stealing our ship, it's unbelievably..! Er... it's unbelievably..! Naughty! Now, listen up, here's the deal: we want that planetoid turned back into Red Dwarf, and we also want you to build a new arm for Mr Lister. If you don't, you'll get more of this... <KRYTEN raps on the side of the glass again> [-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, LISTER present. LISTER is prone on the surgury surface - an almost vertical table-top construction with a ladge at the bottom to rest weight on and a bar running under LISTER's neck to support the torso and keep it still] LISTER So they'll really manufacture me a new arm, from my existing skin and bone tissue? KRYTEN I've got them worked up into such a frenzy, sir, they'll do anything I say! LISTER Where are they? <KRYTEN dips a finger in side the glass and withdraws it slowly, pressing against the side> KRYTEN Here. On the tip of my finger, sir. Millions and millions of them. All I have to do now is *insert* them into your body. LISTER ...What with? KRYTEN Hyperdermic, sir. LISTER Thank god for that... [-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------] [LISTER present, regaining consciousness on the surgery surface] [ENTER KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT] KOCHANSKI I can't bear to look... has it worked? Someone tell me! KRYTEN Let's all turn around, after three. CAT One - two - three! <They spin around, and look at Lister's new arm, or, more accurately, Lister's new *body*. In constructing the replacement limb, the nanobots have taken every bit of extraneous tissue and sagging muscle, leaving LISTER with the body of a steroid-addicted bodybuilder: muscles bulge under his clothes, and the occasional strained vein can be seen zigzagging under taut flesh> LISTER Did it work? KRYTEN It's... been a one hundred percent success, sir. In fact, it's been a *five hundred* percent success! In fact, they've... Well, if that's all, sir, I think I'll retire for the evening, good night! [Exit KRYTEN, CAT] LISTER Release me, Kris, I've got to see it. <KOCHANSKI disengages the support bar from across LISTER's neck and he steps down, undoubtably noticing his unfamiliarly ponderous gait and creaking muscles> KOCHANSKI They probably didn't mean any harm... I think they were trying to make up for before... we'll, get them to have another go, okay? <LISTER walks past her and steps in front of a full-length mirror> LISTER *AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!* [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ----------------------------------------------] [CAT present, at his station at the helm] <Suddenly , CAT blinks in disbelief and stares out of the cockpit bubble. Before him, space has turned red. A vast metal redness that stretches up, down, left, and right - miles in any direction. Amongst the redness, there's a small patch of silver, and written within the patch of silver are two huge, red words. They say: RED DWARF> [-- x - Model/CGI shots --------------------------------------------------] [Starbug flies along the Red Dwarf's gargantuan flank] CAT [VO] Riiiiight! Nice re-build! Those nano-dudes have done a real neat job... Hey, it seems even bigger than I remember... <CAT pilots Starbug into the docking tunnel. Even taking his natural flying skills into account, there's no danger whatsoever that Starbug may scrape the sides of the tunnel as it has done so many times in the past - there is a curiously large ammount of empty space between the transport craft and the tunnel walls. Starbug emerges into the docking bay, and suddenly, something very important becomes apparent. There is a Starbug already docked... a very *large* Starbug in a very *large* docking bay. Starbug's engines suddenly seem to buzz, insect-like, in the vastness of the docking bay, and CAT deftly pilots his Bug under the bulbous body of the other craft and through it's pillar-like legs> CAT [VO] Errr, guyyys... we've got a problem..! [--------------------------- END OF "NANARCHY" ----------------------------] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor, Paul Alexander and James Hendrie; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]