Beyond a Joke - Script v0.7

...Clearing House...

Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

Insert witty header here...

@ 09May97

You really thought the "Beyond a Joke" script wasn't coming!

This is version 0.7 of the script, and is getting close to completetion. As a bonus, this one's been checked against the original too.

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Robert Llewellyn, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-97

9May97 +

[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 6 -- BEYOND A JOKE [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.7 27 February - 3 March, 1997 Last updated: 9 May, 1997 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk Credits for corrections: Matt White, Annette McIntosh and the original script [-- 1 - Int. Starbug ------------------------------------------------------] LISTER Mm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it? KRYTEN Something I caught scuttling around the cargo bay, sir... managed to land a monkey wrench on it, and the rest is history! LISTER 'Scuttling thing, a la monkey wrench'? Kryten, nothing I'm prepared to eat has ever scuttled. This mouth is a scuttle-free zone. It does smell good though, what is it? KRYTEN Ah, the only clue I'm prepared to give, sir, is: we're having it with green wine... LISTER It's space weevil, isn't it... KRYTEN It is not, no, sir. LISTER Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal that has ever been a cartoon. Weevils, rabbits, dogs, cats, mice, road-runners; all out. I'm not a cartoonivore! KRYTEN Ta-daa! LISTER Lobster! KRYTEN Poached, in a delicate cream sauce, sir. Little so-en-so escaped in the hold. LISTER Where did you get a live lobster? KRYTEN The S.S. Centauri, they had four in their stasis block. LISTER You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this, haven't you... KRYTEN You don't know what day it is, do you, sir? LISTER Today? Someone's birthday? KRYTEN Nope. LISTER Christmas? Easter? KRYTEN Nope. LISTER National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner day? KRYTEN No. LISTER Well, what then? KRYTEN Today is the day that you rescued me from the Nova 5 - I thought we should have a surprise celebration! LISTER I had no idea! Why didn't you say? Ahh, if you'd *said*, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise, right? KRYTEN Prescisely, sir, it would have been about as unsurprising as an episode of Tales Of The Unexpected. LISTER Eh? KRYTEN The old Channel 72 show. It was... Everyone... <ahem> Never mind. [Enter KOCHANSKI, CAT] KOCHANSKI Okay everyone? Ready? Let's go! KRYTEN Go? CAT We're going to the Artificial Reality suite! We just loaded in that new software we picked up from the S.S. Centauri. KOCHANSKI Can you believe the luck? Finding a working copy of Jane Austin world?? It's the luckiest find I've made since I discovered that tube of leg-wax under the medi-scanner. CAT You found my leg-wax? KOCHANSKI We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' land. This is gonna be *so* great! CAT It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters and they're all hotter than a Mustang's exhaust! KRYTEN But, what about the supper?? LISTER The thing is... we didn't *know*. KOCHANSKI Just, put it in the oven, and we'll have it in a couple of hours. KRYTEN But, I mean, it's just -- KOCHANSKI Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo Brothers here interested in something slightly more culturally sophisticated than 'Name That Smell', or the even more popular 'How Many Marbles Can You Fit Up Your Nostril' game... We'll have it when we get back. KRYTEN And you're going to go with them, sir? This is... It's unbelievable. KOCHANSKI I know! Davey and Jane Austin are not an obvious pairing - but think about it: she's closely identifiable to Bath in the 19th century, and that was the last time Dave had one! <laughs> [Exit KOCHANSKI, CAT] LISTER I just thought I'd check it out... Y'know, I never had much of an education, what with being and orphan, and going to art college. Thought I might learn something here. KRYTEN Of course. How silly of me. After all, you've always been a big fan of penetrating 19th century observations of middle-class manners. I mean, just because you own a t-shirt advertising the rock band 'Colostomy Explosion' doesn't mean you're not a master of erudition! LISTER Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and we'll have it when we get back! KRYTEN Two days I've spent, preparing this! LISTER Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me. I'm sorry. [Exit LISTER] KRYTEN I don't know why I bother. Gallivanting off like that! And on our aniversary too! [-- x - OB. A forest within the AR simulation ----------------------------] [KOCHANSKI, CAT, LISTER present] KOCHANSKI 'Pride and Prejudice' world! When I was fourteen in Cyberschool I used to spend *all* my time here. CAT These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B. I can barely cruise! KOCHANSKI Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and culture. CAT I'm tryin', but it's real hard when there's a seam splicing your nadgers in two! KOCHANSKI You're gonna spoil this for us, aren't you... LISTER No he won't, he'll be fine. Look man, all clothes were a bit nadger- restricting back in them days. That's why there were so many wars. KOCHANSKI Okay? Let's interact with the characters, then perhaps you can *begin* to understand why the book is such a masterpiece..? <KOCHANSKI takes out a small device used to interface with AR control computer and presses a button on its pad. Five young women fade into existance, along with an older, maternal woman> KOCHANSKI Ah! Good morning, Mrs Bennet. Is it not a most fine day? MRS BENNET 'Tis an utter delight and no mistake. Oh, we don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting your handsome young friends..? <girls giggle> KOCHANSKI This is Mr Lister, and his friend Mr Cat. <girls giggle> MRS BENNET Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn around the forest, and later have tea in Mr Bingley's gazebo? LYDIA Oh please, ma-ma, can they come? KITTY May they? Oh, that would be so delightful! LYDIA Oh yes, oh, please! Oh do! Do come to tea, oh please, please! CAT <to LISTER> They're so hot they're steamin'! [-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN present] KRYTEN "Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"! Well, I'm sorry, I'm gonna make you eat this damn supper if it's the last thing I do! <enters AR simulation> [-- x - OB. Woodland within AR simulation -------------------------------] [ALL present, KRYTEN stalking the party] <we hear the girls giggling as the party makes their way slowly through the woodland> <KRYTEN picks off a straggling sister, Elizabeth, with a blowpipe> <KRYTEN catches next sister, Jane, in a rope trap and silences her with the blowpipe> <tries to bump off next sister with a log swing trap, but misses> [-- x - Int. Starbug AR suite --------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN present. His headset disengages, and KRYTEN turns to the control pad beside his chair] KRYTEN Just borrow the T-72 from the WW2 game... and then I think we'll have *everyone's* attention... <KRYTEN taps commands into the console intently, then sits back in his chair. The headset closes over his face and he returns to the game world> [-- x - OB. Gazebo by a lakeside in the AR simulation --------------------] [ALL present] MRS BENNET Where on earth have dear Lizzie and Jane disappeared to? Such rudeness! I'm most vexed! <girls giggle> KOCHANSKI Never mind, Mrs Bennet, I'm sure they'll be -- <KOCHANSKI breaks off as Mrs Bennet turns and stares at the lake with open- mouthed horror. KOCHANSKI follows her gaze, and sees a mean-looking T-72 battle tank roll out of the lake. It rolls to halt at the water's edge, and it's hatch opens. KRYTEN appears from within the tank> KRYTEN Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said: 'supper is ready'! <KRYTEN fires a round from the tank which decimates the gazebo. When the smoke clears, only LISTER, CAT and KOCHANSKI remain> KRYTEN Is anyone still unclear as to the supper situation? No? Excellent. LISTER <quietly> I didn't know robots *got* PMT! [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [ALL present. The mood is tense as LISTER, KOCHANSKI and CAT sit down to KRYTEN's lovingly prepared meal] LISTER It's nice, Kryts, really nice. KOCHANSKI It's really great. LISTER In fact, it's better than nice, it's fantastic. KOCHANSKI Isn't it great? LISTER It's really great. KOCHANSKI Really, really great. <CAT stares at them both and throws down his fork> CAT Are we eating the same stuff? KRYTEN I don't know *why* I make the effort. No one appreciates the *hours* I put into food prep! My fingers are practically worn down to the endo- skeleton. LISTER Is there any ketchup? KRYTEN Any *what*? LISTER Ketchup. I just thought it could do with a bit of ketchup... Just a dollop..? KRYTEN Ketchup?? KOCHANSKI Oh my god... KRYTEN You want *ketchup*?? LISTER Errm... brown! Not tomato! Brown! It's not like I've got *no* class... KRYTEN With lobster? You want *brown* ketchup? LISTER It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just thought it could do with a bit of a pep-up... KRYTEN I *can't* believe it. I simply cannot b -- <KRYTEN s head explodes, showering the diners with plastic, pieces of circuit board and fizzing wires> CAT Oh well done, bud! Now *we'll* have to do the washing up! KOCHANSKI <standing and examining KRYTEN> He's *literally* blown his top! Cat, can you go and get a spare head? CAT How come I have to do everything around here? I never get a second to myself! "Cat do this", "Cat do that"; what am I? A dog? [-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay -------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] <LISTER is fiddling with a spare head. After a moment, he screws the head onto KRYTEN's shoulders> LISTER There. I think that's it; boot him up. KOCHANSKI You're *sure* you know what you're doing? LISTER Hey... <KOCHANSKI taps commands into a terminal, and they both watch the mechanoid. Suddenly KRYTEN's eyes flick open> KRYTEN Ketchup?? With *lobster*, you want -- <Second head explodes violently> KOCHANSKI I thought you said you knew what you were doing! LISTER No, I just said 'hey'. If you'd let me finish the whole sentence it'd have been: 'hey... no I don't'. [Enter CAT] CAT Any luck? KOCHANSKI We've been back and forth through his core program and, as far as we can tell, nothing's wrong. CAT Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads? LISTER *What* spare heads... KOCHANSKI We've blown them all out! LISTER Look at it - have you ever seen so many blackheads outside the staffroom of a fried chicken franchise? KOCHANSKI We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at least we've got his personality on disk, but, that's about it... CAT Life without a head... that's gonna put a real crimp on his lifestyle. I mean, what can you do without a head? LISTER Apart from being you? Hardly anything. KOCHANSKI We're going to have to get him another one, somehow. LISTER I should've been looking out for him. How could I let this happen? KOCHANSKI When was the Centauri built..? Maybe they had a mechanoid service unit? LISTER <to CAT> *Think*. Any clues when it was built? KOCHANSKI Which century? CAT It had those big crystalline turbine drives... I'd say 21st, or 22nd century. Maybe even 23rd or 24th. At the outside, 25th, 26th or 27th. But don't hold me to it. KOCHANSKI And we're asking his advice?? Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion: Hello, wall! What do *you* think? LISTER Hang on, hang on... KOCHANSKI What're you doing? LISTER Logging on to their mainframe... If there's a Divadroid signature on their supplies inventory then its possible there're some mech heads 'round there somewhere. CAT Maybe 29th... [-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------] [On-board the Centauri. miscellaneous mech parts scattered around> [LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present] KOCHANSKI Look! <A line of old, dirty mechanoid heads hang from a rail> <LISTER spots something> LISTER Hey; simulant... probably rogue - let's get the smeg outta here! <noises of something approaching. they hide under a tarpaulin> LISTER [VO] Hmm, you smell good... CAT [VO] Thanks! [a simulant passes by their hiding place and disappears into the bowels of the derelict ship] KOCHANSKI They're all missing their primers. LISTER Well this Johnny won't help us. Simulants hate everything human or humanoid. In fact, anything beginning with a 'hu'... KOCHANSKI Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam, then... <laugh> LISTER [BEAT] How's that? KOCHANSKI Because it's called 'Hue', dummy. Well, actually, it's pronounced 'Hwah', but if I'd said 'hwah' it wouldn't have been as funny. <LISTER looks blank and KOCHANSKI looks a little defensive> KOCHANSKI Any navigation conference *anywhere*, they would be in the *aisles* with a quip like that. LISTER Probably trying to get out the building before you quipped again... KOCHANSKI Well, the point I was trying to make is that sims hate humans, but they don't hate GELFs... CAT But, we're not GELFs... KOCHANSKI We could be... [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section -----------------------------------------] [CAT and KOCHANSKI dressed in GELF suits. KOCHANSKI holds a leash around LISTERs neck] LISTER This is nuts! KOCHANSKI We look great! What are you talking about? LISTER This is never gonna work. KOCHANSKI Ak ak ak akka ak? Ha ak? CAT Hyak ak ak ak! Ak akakakak! LISTER You *can't* speak GELF... KOCHANSKI Neither can the sim! We'll just do an impression of you first thing in the morning and we'll be fine! Come on, boy... [-- x - Int. The Centauri ------------------------------------------------] [CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present] LISTER This is so demeaning - I feel like a piece of meat! CAT There's someone up there! <CAT and KOCHANSKI call out in thier very fake GELF language> LISTER It's worse than a chronic catarr sufferers' annual outing! [-- x - Int. Room within the centauri ------------------------------------] [KOCHANSKI, CAT present, seated at a table with the SIMULANT. LISTER present standing, leashed, between the other two Dwarfers] [KOCHANSKI hacks and coughs in 'GELF', and gestures at a rail of mech heads] SIMULANT After spare mech heads, 'ey? <The SIMULANT appears to suddenly notice LISTER for the first time> SIMULANT 'Uman! Lovely with a bit of mint sauce! 'Ow about a trade? CAT We ain't sellin', okay? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not the human. <KOCHANKSI urgently hacks in GELF> CAT I was just tellin' him - no deal. <Again KOCHANSKI tries to warn CAT> CAT Like she says: no deal. <KOCHANKSI desperately tries to make CAT understand> CAT You tell him, Bud-Babe! No deal! You got that? SIMULANT So... you speak Earth, 'ey? <Realising his mistake, CAT's face slides into a sickly smile and he utters a single hack, thumb and index finger of one had raised and close together> SIMULANT Tails... you can 'ave the mech 'eads for free... 'eads... I take the 'uman. LISTER Hey, wait a minute! <SIMULANT flips coin> SIMULANT It's tails, the 'eads are yours. And, 'ere, are the primers. Now, 'ow about a toast, 'ey? To Simulants: the greatest droids in the Universe - but never trust 'em, 'ey? Cheers! <laughs> [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------] [Starbug looks to have been hit by an internal hurricane] [Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT] LISTER Aw, we've been set up! CAT But how?? KOCHANSKI He must have had a sidekick - he kept us talking while his mate ransacked the ship! LISTER <alarmed> Kryten! [Exit ALL, running] [-- x - Int. Starbug medi-bay --------------------------------------------] [The medi-bay hasn't escaped attention, either] [Enter ALL] LISTER They've taken his RAM chip, too... [-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------] [SIMULANT present, another mechanoid present; same head as Kryten but a green body shell] SIMULANT 'Ere's a little job for you, Able. Looks like a negadrive blow back. ABLE <broad , slightly slurring accent> Oh wow! Another mech. SIMULANT Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll apply the electro-leash to your nipple nuts. ABLE Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts? Er, er, I think I'm gonna choose the 'fix him' option! Deal! SIMULANT 'Urry up! You stupid 'zoney! <The SIMULANT bounces an iron bar over the mech's bald head, bending the bar with the force> ABLE Is now a good time to ask about a pay rise? <ABLE receives another bash over the head> ABLE Uh, I'm almost out of Otrozone, I need some more. SIMULANT Fix the mech, first. 'Ere's 'is RAM chip. [Exit SIMULANT] <ABLE picks up a tall, unlabelled bottle, opens his chest screen and plugs the bottle into the cavity. As the contents seep in, ABLE's face turns beautific, and he sighs happily. After a short time he removes the bottle and closes the orifice> ABLE Totally tubular! [FADE] [-- x - Int. Workshop aboard the Centauri --------------------------------] [Some hours later, while ABLE has been tinkering with Kryten] KRYTEN Goodness me! What a peculiar experience. Thank you, Mr... er - Mr... er -- What is your name? ABLE Er, just give me a second, okay? <ABLE looks distant and appears to tense himself for a moment> ABLE I've just sent that query down to long term memory retrieval. It'll be back in no time. [BEAT] Hang on, here it comes. [BEAT] Told you it would be quick. [BEAT] Able. My name's Able: A - B - L - E, Able. KRYTEN My name is Kryten. You're a 4000-series, too, aren't you? ABLE Er, hang on. Won't take a tick. KRYTEN Please, don't bother. Believe me, you *are* a 4000. ABLE Well, I could check - it'll only take about twenty seconds. KRYTEN Your serial number's '2X4C' - I'm a 2X4c too! We must have the same motherboard. ABLE Wohh, then you're my bro'! Hey, wow, you wanna try some Otrozone? KRYTEN Otrozone's dangerous and highly addictive! ABLE Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know? It helps me get through the day. KRYTEN Well how come you ended up here? ABLE Er, hang on. <Again , ABLE tenses himself up and makes a straining noise> KRYTEN What an irritating characteristic... ABLE Okay: the ship I was on, well, it, er, kind of crashed a bit. KRYTEN 'Crashed a bit'? ABLE All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me anymore. Then, after a couple of years I figured out they must be dead. Then a long time later, the Simulant guy came and picked me up. He's a bit of a psychopathic killing machine, but, he has his good side. And, he has a huge stash of Otrozone! You sure you won't try some, Kryten? Bro'? KRYTEN I'm not your bro', and I do *not* touch Otrozone! It corrupts your circuit boards! ABLE Well, that's what people say, but... where's the evidence? [BEAT] Have I just said that? [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [ALL present] LISTER Appoaching the Centauri - 80 clicks and closing. Nice and easy, man... CAT Hang on - their retros have started up. They've spotted us! <The Centauri's massive rear thrusters suddenly glare with energy and the ship streaks away from Starbug> KOCHANSKI Look at the accelleration of that thing! They're already halfway across the sector! LISTER The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can only dream of... CAT Most ice cream vans can travel at speeds we can only dream of... LISTER <sigh> We're never gonna catch them now. We've lost Kryten. KOCHANSKI Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed on a bearing Q23 stroke J80. <model shot> LISTER This is the opposite direction to the Centauri - full speed! KOCHANSKI Precisely. CAT Well, why do we wanna do that? KOCHANSKI It's totally insane. LISTER So why *do* we wanna do it then? KOCHANSKI The only reason I can think of is if we've planted something on the Centauri and we knew it was gonna blow any second. CAT But we haven't. KOCHANSKI No, we haven't. But explain this: if we haven't, why are we in such a rush to get the hell out of here? CAT It doesn't make sense. KOCHANSKI Exactly. LISTER Unless we really *have* planted a bomb on the Centauri. KOCHANSKI Which we haven't. CAT So wait a minute. Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the only thing that really explains what we're doing is if we did! Which we didn't! But we must have! Because, otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts! KOCHANSKI Exactly. LISTER They've turned around and started tracking us! [SHOT: KOCHANSKI, smiling smugly] CAT What a fluke! [SHOT: KOCHANSKI's smile crumbles incredulously] [-- x - Model/CGI shot ---------------------------------------------------] [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] LISTER Getting an incoming... someone's beaming on board... cargo bay! [-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------] [Enter LISTER, KOCHANSKI, CAT, taking cover behind bulkheads. SIMULANT, GELF PARTNER, ABLE, KRYTEN present] SIMULANT We know about the bomb. CAT So we *did* plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder. SIMULANT Where did you hide it!? Speak! Or you'll spend the rest of the day picking bits of charred mech out of your clothing. CAT Er, can I change into dungarees? LISTER Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya. SIMULANT Clearly, I need to prove myself... Kryten, that file in your CPU; the one you've never been able to access... The password is '4X2C'... ABLE Hang on a minute... SIMULANT It's about your creator, Kryten - Dr Mammett. KOCHANSKI Kryten, no! KRYTEN Acessing now... No! It can't be true... It can't... ABLE The truth is in there - that's what turned me into a 'zoney. SIMULANT Who's next? The Cat? Or the woman? Choose - heads or tails? ABLE Heads! <ABLE suddenly removes his head and pushes it out behind him, thumping it into the temple of the GELF which stands close by. ABLE then throws his head at the SIMULANT, knocking him out. LISTER rushes in, swing-kicks him in the head and knocks him to the ground, then shoots at the GELF and knocks it unconscious> LISTER Right, lets send them back to their ship and get the hell out of 'ere before they get their smeg together! [-- x - Int. Starbug -----------------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN present, sitting motionlessly] [Enter LISTER] LISTER Kryten, man, what's wrong? You look sadder than the salad you get with a takaway shaami kebab. Tell me what you found out about your creator. KRYTEN I can't, sir, it's too terrible. LISTER Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell me. KRYTEN Well, you keep secrets from me, sir. LISTER Like what? KRYTEN What about your nickname when you were at school? LISTER What nickname? KRYTEN I know what it was. LISTER I don't think so; no one knows that. KRYTEN Well, I'm afraid that's just not true, "Fatboy". You talk in your sleep. LISTER It was for a couple of years! Eleven to thirteen when I was living with m' gran. She was massive, her stockings used to rub together when she walked; when she was in a hurry it sounded like a steam train pulling out of a station! I started getting fat too. It really hit home when she died. She got knocked down by this truck, and the chalk outline guys had to go back to the truck for a second piece of chalk! I thought: I don't want to end up like that, double-chalker! If you ever tell Kris or the Cat this, you're in pieces. Now tell me about you creator. KRYTEN Oh, it's so humiliating! LISTER Tell me about Professor Mammett! KRYTEN Well, she was due to marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer. He jilted her the day before their wedding, so she decided to create a droid in his image - a pompous, ridiculous-looking, mother-hen clucking, irascible buffoon. LISTER What happenned to this droid? KRYTEN That droid, sir, is me! LISTER Pompous? Ridiculous-looking? Mother-hen clucking? Oh yeah, I see now... KRYTEN We're all John Warburton, sir, the entire 4000-series. It was Mammett's revenge. LISTER Well, judging from the length of your groinal attachment, you can see why she was so sad to lose him... KRYTEN As part of the joke, all my negative emotions - jealousy, anger - are stored on a special file; my 'negadrive'. Now, when this file gets full it blows! Just like he used to. LISTER All your resentment's in this thing? It's so small. KRYTEN Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir. This box contains the greatest concentration of anger, jealousy and resentment outside a BAFTA awards ceremony! LISTER Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem; it's what turned him to Otrozone. He told me - he's promised to quit. KRYTEN How could Mammett have done this? LISTER Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but you've grown, you've changed. Look how different you are to Able. If Mammett came in here now, I bet she wouldn't even recognise you. KRYTEN I've evolved? LISTER You bet. KRYTEN I've become something that's... beyond a joke? LISTER Too right, man. [Enter KOCHANSKI] KOCHANSKI There's something coming in from the starboard bow! [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [CAT, KOCHANSKI present] [Enter LISTER, KRYTEN] CAT The Sim's back; he's got a lock on! LISTER Reverse thrust - go! Five, niner, seven. KOCHANSKI Missed, but still locked on! Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid belt. CAT Oh, not an asteroid belt! KOCHANSKI Is that a problem? CAT It sure is! Everything tips from side to side, and my hair gets all messed up! KOCHANSKI So what do we do? Stay here and get splattered?? CAT Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner! LISTER I'm taking us in. KRYTEN Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain ship and engine silence 'till he's convinced we're not there. [-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------] [SIMULANT present] SIMULANT I know you're in that belt... somewhere... One little mistake... and you're mine... <MONTAGE : once powered down, the crew spend a tense few hours passing time in the mid-section. Left by himself, Able wanders into the cockpit to take a hit of Otrozone. He accidentally leans on a switch on the control panel, powering up their engines and causing an energy surge> SIMULANT The mistake is made... [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [ABLE present] [Enter ALL] LISTER What happenned, man!? ABLE I dunno, I don't know nothin'! CAT Clear out of here! KRYTEN Leave *him* to me! [Exit ABLE, KRYTEN] [-- x - Int. Starbug --------------------------------------------------] [Enter ABLE, KRYTEN] ABLE <spaced out and laughing> Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong button... KRYTEN <agrily> You have jeapordised the lives of the entire crew, breaking the most basic, fundamental command codes! <ABLE seems to sober up as KRYTEN's words sink in> ABLE I'm sorry - I didn't mean nuthin'... [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [LISTER, CAT, KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN present> LISTER This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance! KOCHANSKI I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm using every trick I know to distract him! CAT Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard portholes! That always works for me! LISTER Wait! Someone's left the ship - an escape pod! KRYTEN It's Able! LISTER It's heading towards the Sim's ship. KRYTEN Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced piece of scum! He's no brother of mine! LISTER He's fired something at them... <A wide beam of sickly green light spills out of the pod and envelops the Centauri> CAT Some sort of energy field... looks heavy. KRYTEN The negadrive! He's used my negadrive energy and re-routed it through the escape pod's thrusters. The Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity. [-- x - Int. Centauri Ops room -------------------------------------------] [SIMULANT present] SIMULANT It's all 'opeless! Nobody loves me... I'm so ugly! I never get invited to parties! I 'ate this ship! I 'ate *everything*! <The SIMULANT, thorougly smegged off, pumps round after round from his blaster into the control equipment of the command deck. Several of the shots obviously cause critical damage, for moments later the Centauri shudders and explodes spectacularly. A tiny object is blasted away from the Centauri; it whizzes by the camera and is captured by the gravity well of a nearby moon. The object streaks toward the surface> [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [ALL present] KOCHANSKI Able's pod just crash-landed. LISTER He threw his life away to save us and we hardly knew him... KRYTEN With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I should like to recover the body and perform last rites. [-- x - Int. Starbug cargo bay -------------------------------------------] [ALL present. KRYTEN carries the motionless body of ABLE out of the pod] LISTER Do you need a hand, Kryts? KRYTEN He ain't heavy, sir, he's my *brother*. [-- x - Int. An indian restaurant in an AR simulation --------------------] [ALL present, together with MRS BENNETT and the SISTERS from Pride And Prejudice World] LISTER Great anniversary party, Kryters - Curry World! Fan-smeggin'-tastic! <girls giggle> MRS BENNET How utterly splendid! Mine's the 'vindaloo', whatever that is! KOCHANSKI Mrs Bennett, Jane, Kitty: I beg you have the omlette with the big chips. Curries are an aquired taste... MRS BENNET Oh *nonsense*! Mr Darcy didn't think Jane would enjoy french apples, but she did, didn't you Jane? Now, tuck in, girls! [MRS BENNET and the girls start eating, their faces showing some suprise] MRS BENNETT I do declare, Mr Lister, this is most scrumptious! KITTY Oh ma-ma, it's the most succulent dish I've ever tasted! JANE A most meritorious venture. [KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT take a mouthful of their own curries, and they just enough time to swallow before...] KOCHANSKI, LISTER, CAT AAaarrggg!! KRYTEN Curious - there must be some sort of bug in the program... LISTER I'm on fire!! CAT Water! KOCHANSKI Somebody help me! KRYTEN Don't worry, sir, I'll work on it... [------------------------- END OF "BEYOND A JOKE" -------------------------] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Robert Llewellyn; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]