Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf
Subject: A Red Dwarf Christmas Poem
From: dlister169@aol.comQ69 (DLister169)
Date: 16 Dec 1998 04:14:46 GMT

With many apologies for anything I may insinuate or plagiarize, here we go!

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the Dwarf
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a poly-morph

The socks were slung
Thru the room with no care
In hopes that Ol' Kryten
Soon would be there

With Lister in his longjohns
And Rimmer in his jammies
They both feared the fallout
From Lister's meal of Kebabs(shami)

All of a sudden
Rimmer heard such a clatter
He hollered "Lights!"
So he could see what was the matter

Holly was off-line
Lister was out cold
The Cat was nowhere to be found
Rimmer never felt less bold

He left the room
His heart beating fast
His palms were sweating
And his eyelids were at full mast

He rounded a corner
And nearly fainted with fright
"An alien!" his mind screamed
he could not believe his sight

There was a tall figure
Dressed in red and black
Pulling out packages
From a giant red sack

He placed them in a wagon
While Rimmer's mind did the flips
He looked back at Rimmer
A smile on his lips

"Hello, Mr. Rimmer, sir,"
Kryten Clause said with a grin
"You were so naughty,
"I don't know where to begin."

"I don't know what you're talking about,"
Rimmer said with a frown
"Now get that outfit off
"And clean my dressing gown."

"That's just is, sir,"
Kryten Clause said, holding a list
"You treat everyone like dirt
"And still expect a gift."

"Look you metal bastard," Rimmer yelled,
"Get out of those clothes!
"There's no such thing as Santa Clause!
"Everyone knows!"

"That does it," Kryten Clause said,
And picked up a large box
"I can't reason with you,
"You're as stubborn as an ox."

Rimmer watched Kryten Clause leave
Smiling as he went
He left the way he came in
Thru an old air-vent.

Rimmer went back to bed
And lay down on his bunk
His nose wrinkled 
As he smelled some kind of funk

Lister's dinner came back
As some kind of gas
Wafting up in the air
Right out of Lister's ass

Rimmer tried hard to sleep
Thinking about the night's events
Then Kryten came in the room
Towing a wagon full of presents

"Good morning, sirs,"
Kryten said with a bow
"It's Christmas morning
"It's time to open your gifts now."

"I didn't get you anything,"
Lister said with a frown
"I forgot about Christmas,"
He added, looking down

"You saved me from the Nova 5,"
Kryten said, his face a little red
"If you hadn't come along,
"I'd certainly be dead."

Rimmer watched with amusement
From his position in his bed
Then the Cat came in
Carrying a sack, colored red

"You dropped this, Buddy,"
The Cat said, holding it out.
Kryten said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Cat, sir
"It isn't mine, beyond a doubt."

Rimmer stopped smiling
Understanding a little fact
That Mechanoids can't lie
And that the truth was in the sack

He grabbed it from the Cat
And reached deep inside
He found nothing more than a wisp of paper
With writing on both sides.

"Mr. Rimmer,"the note began
"I tried to explain,
"That acting like a smeghead
"Will only cause you pain."

"Your stocking is empty
No presents to be had
"In fact, now that you think about it,
"Don't you feel bad?"

Rimmer felt bad indeed,
When he saw what lister got
A dozen shami kebab diablos
And Chcken Vindaloo, extra hot

He made plans to relocate for the night
But was surprised to learn
That Kryten's gift to the crew
Was to redecorate the ship, bow to stern

The other rooms were off-limits, Kryten said
While the work was being done
Rimmer would have to suffer
While Lister was having his fun

The moral of the story,
If you care to hear it(don't beg)
Is that Christmas sucks
If your head is full of SMEG!!!!!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!!