Welcome brave traveller, It's Ian's unused Red Dwarf script! Submitted last year for consideration on Red Dwarf VIII and returned unread (or at least very quickly by an impressive speed reader), and in my opinion not that bad. Okay, due to popular demand... (yeah right), I've changed this document from Works format into a piece of lovely plain text. Accessibility is expanded, the virtual world rejoices etc., however,this does mean you lose all that super text formatting stuff there used to be here. Never mind eh? Anyhow, the trade off is that this version of the script has had a few nasty typos and weird things cleaned up. If you still want a Works version of this document you can e-mail me at poetaster@compuserve.com, or a Word version of the now superceded previous version (changes are minimal, honest) you can e-mail a chap called Oliver (omay@gmn.ulaval.ca ) who I don't know but said fairly nice things about the script. Hey, remember Red Dwarf is Grant Naylor Productions copyright and this document makes not attempt to supercede that, and that the bits of this script left over after that, that aren't theirs are mine. All right? Good. Have fun. Feel free to tell me what you think, and if you know away to smuggle the document on Doug Naylor's "Things I really must commission" desk I'd be eternally quite pleased. Ian Future of Humanity or Normal but More So A rejected Red Dwarf (tm) proposal by Ian Potter SCENE 1: Red Dwarf, RIMMER's Quarters. Lighting suggests evening. RIMMER is on his bunk, in a dressing gown one part Noel Coward to twelve parts sad git. KRYTEN enters. He is wearing rubber gloves and an apron, soap suds up his arms. KRYTEN: You rang for me, sir? RIMMER: Ah, Kryty old man, (checks watch) twenty seconds late. KRYTEN: In my haste to arrive I had an unfortunate mishap with a space weevil on an unlit section of Level Sixteen. Night vision not what it was I regret to say. Still, all wiped up now. RIMMER: No matter, Kryten, no matter, the reason I've called you so late is that I have a bit of a proposition I want to put to you. KRYTEN: Mr. Rimmer sir, can I at this juncture state categorically I will not allow my groinal vacuum socket to be abused for your pleasure any more. I'm sorry, but if your rubber friend has deflated again you can get the skutters to pump her up in future. RIMMER: No, listen Kryten. It's about her. KRYTEN: Your rubber friend? RIMMER: No, her; the interloper, Kochanski, the one you've just spent five hours preparing a meal for. KRYTEN: It was for Mr. Lister sir, he said there was something he wanted to talk to Miss Kochanski about that might be best served by my laying on candlelight, asparagus vol au vents, a fine Chablis, tiramisu, fresh coffee, dark chocolate covered mints, armangac- RIMMER: -and a particularly mild girly korma. KRYTEN's face crumples. KRYTEN: Oh sir, he's changing isn't he? She's taking him away from us. I'm having to wash his clothes sometimes three to four times a month now. The Cat's having to watch his videos on his own tonight, because Mr. Lister would rather have a meal with her than watch Zombie Chicks with Choppers again. RIMMER: So you realise how serious this is? SCENE 2: Romantically Lit Officer's Mess. A disturbingly well groomed LISTER and KOCHANSKI are finishing a meal, both slightly tipsy, there is a lightly flirtatious air. Laughter, a lull in conversation. Finally, smouldering over her wine, Kochanski speaks. KOCHANSKI: So, Lister. LISTER: Dave. KOCHANSKI: Dave. Really, what's all this about? All the wining and dining. LISTER: Really? KOCHANSKI: Really. LISTER: Really really? KOCHANSKI: Really really. LISTER: Nothing really. KOCHANSKI: Really? LISTER: Well no, not really. It's about us, really. About our future. Humanity's future. KOCHANSKI: Really? LISTER: I think we should have a baby. The atmosphere has just got cooler. KOCHANSKI: Really? LISTER: Well lots of babies actually, in the interests of perpetuating Humanity and insuring genetic diversity. Dozens would be best. KOCHANSKI: Lister, I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man alive. LISTER: I am the last man alive! KOCHANSKI: And I stick by my decision. LISTER: I know, I know. I'm not asking you to you do it with me, alright? I know how you feel. But there's ways 'round it. KOCHANSKI: Hence, plying me with drink? Laying on the moonlight and violins. LISTER: No, I.E.; I'm sure Red Dwarf must still has the facilities, I've not checked but sick bay's bound to have artificial insemination equipment. It'd be separate cubicles, test tubes, clean icing sugar bags, everything. KOCHANSKI: Me, have kids with you? LISTER: Well yeah, we already know that at some point in the future we're going to somehow get together and have me, but I don't know, I don't feel being my own father's enough, I want an immortality that's not just down to a time paradox you know? I want a child I can see grow up, a kid that'll out live me not be me. I mean, here we are heading back to an Earth that may by now just be a giant dead cinder, we are in all likelihood the last people alive, I want to rebuild the human race, KOCHANSKI: You, have kids with me? LISTER: Yeah why not I mean, In another dimension the one where Rimmer was a really together guy you and me were married, had kids together, Jim and Bexley we called them. KOCHANSKI: Yeah, but that's already a pretty weird dimension just on the Rimmer front. LISTER: Granted, granted, good point, well made, but at some point in the future in the dim and distant past I'm going to marry another version of you anyway, the one from this Universe- KOCHANSKI: Well, thanks for making me feel at home. LISTER: -No, the one from this Universe, with the nicer nose and a squeaky voice- KOCHANSKI: Sorry? LISTER: I marry her in the future, in the past on Ganymede and I guess we're planning on bringing up kids then too, We're destined to marry, I was there- KOCHANSKI: I should hope so. LISTER: -three times, missed the reception once, but I saw it happen. Git that I am, I wouldn't let my other selves stay for the Honeymoon, but I've seen us get married. 'Course any kids we had will have all died three million years ago. KOCHANSKI: You, bring up kids? LISTER: Yeah I'm good with children, I had kids once myself, got myself pregnant by me when I was drunk in the wrong reality- twin boys- KOCHANSKI: Jim and Bexley? LISTER: Yeah! KOCHANSKI: Original. LISTER: -But they're off in another parallel dimension now. Bexley has a kid too, probably dead by now I saw him blow up a few years back in a future echo- KOCHANSKI: Remind me never to ask you for a look at your photo album, Lister. LISTER: -but the point is, you know, in most other realities I'm a dad, and generally with you. KOCHANSKI: Lister...? Dave? (This is a kind of "Can I ask you something important and personal?" sort of "Dave?" but having that as the full line would spoil the rhythm of the scene, something that this long and pointless stage direction won't do of course.) LISTER: (Flow unchecked by this loaded "Dave?") And of course your Dave, the solid hologram, I'm sure you were, you know, in your reality, and I just thought that now you're with a Dave who's not firing holoblanks, we could well restock humanity. He grins hopefully. How will she respond? KOCHANSKI: Lister, what's wrong with my nose exactly? LISTER: (Worryingly sincere) Nothing, it's very very very beautiful indeed. Its... it's just different. I used to dream about meeting up with squeaky cute nose Krissie every night for years, ask Kryten he did the laundry. Millions of years apart, couldn't get her out of my head, now it's hard to see her face. I can only see you. I fell in love with a shadow of you, three million years ago, a different girl, a nearly you with a ghost of your pinball smile. I never dreamed then I'd meet the substance, that I'd fall in love all over again with the girl my first love should have been. KOCHANSKI: Oh Dave, you're so like him when you speak like that. LISTER: (Disturbingly tender) Kriss, I am him. KOCHANSKI: This is difficult for me Dave, you see to me you're my Dave's shadow, and yes I know he's just a hologram and he's a Universe away through a right angled causality rip to our four dimensional reality, but I love him not you. If you and me were to, you know, I'd feel I was being unfaithful to you. To him, I mean to him. LISTER: But perpetuating the human race Krissie; if the Earth has gone, when you've got back to your reality and I die all that'll be left of humanity in this Universe will be Rimmer's hologram, is that the legacy you want civilisation to leave? KOCHANSKI: God. (A beat then) Dave you're right, we'll have kids. RIMMER: Great! KOCHANSKI: Artificial insemination mind. I can't let myself get emotionally involved. RIMMER: Sure, I respect that Kriss. KOCHANSKI: One thing though, if I ever do get back to my Dave, the real Dave, which Universe gets custody? LISTER: If we go for twins again we could have one each. KOCHANSKI: Dave, if we're rebuilding humanity there's going to need to be more than one kid in each Universe, boy, girl in each minimum. LISTER: Good point. (PAUSE) Course if, heaven forfend, Red Dwarf didn't have art-insem any more... KOCHANSKI: Well I suppose I'd have to lie back and think of the future wouldn't I? Coy smiles are engaged. Things could well be afoot, if not longer. Is there about to be a kiss? Suddenly bright antiseptic lights come up and HOLLY appears on screen. HOLLY: Wotcha Dave, just reporting to let you know I've had the skutters jettison all the artificial insemination equipment from the sick bay as requested. I'm not interrupting anything am I? LISTER tries to get out of this with a winning smile, it doesn't even come a close second. A tiramisu is deposited squarely on his head. SCENE 3: Back in RIMMER's Quarters. KRYTEN and RIMMER are still in discussions. RIMMER: You remember that wreck we encountered, SSS Esperanto? KRYTEN: The one with all the S's? Of course sir. RIMMER: Well I was reviewing the Esperanto black box recordings again this afternoon. Methodically going through all the information files- KRYTEN: Ah yes sir, the video sequences featuring the female crewmembers aerobic classes again? RIMMER: -And I found they had navigation records for the quadrant we're about to enter in there. Well the good news is if we maintain our current course for another few hours we're going to head into a major space hazard of some kind, a Class 1! Didn't actually read it up exactly, but still bit of a stroke of luck eh? KRYTEN: Oh excellent sir! That really is good news! Irony chip disengaged. Not! RIMMER: The current course set by our new Navigation Officer, pony club darling Kochanski, is plunging us into dire peril, don't you see how marvellous that is? KRYTEN: No. For some reason sir, my internal English lexicon finds it hard to reconcile the conjoined usage of the words "dire" and "peril" with the concept of "marvellous". Perhaps you are using some obscure obsolete form of the word "marvellous" meaning horrendously bad which both my programmers and Roget foolishly omitted from their Thesauruses? RIMMER: Look, we both want to show Kochanski up, right? Well, if we can drop the hazard markers from the SSS Esperanto's black box into Red Dwarf's navigation computer memory cache so it appears that they've always been there, it'll look like Kochanski's not checked the charts properly and endangered the crew. Tomorrow morning the unknown hazard is picked up on Holly's sensors... KRYTEN: And we all get to die blaming Miss Kochanski? It's an elaborate plan sir, with just one minor short coming. RIMMER: No, then Space Ace Arnie Rimmer leaps in to save the day, wrests control of the ship, and steers us away from danger while surreptitiously bringing the peril marker up out of cache memory and you say (KRYTEN impression) "Miss Kochanski how did you not spot this obvious hazard, we would all have been killed if it wasn't for the quick wits and bravery of Mr. Rimmer here." We court-martial her, she's demoted, I'm top officer again and Listy is filled with contempt for her inefficiency. You'll be his best friend again and he won't ditch you and turn your body into a witty talking point coffee table and your head into an amusing doorstop after all! KRYTEN: What do I have to do? RIMMER: Next to nothing, just plug into Holly's mother board and temporarily distract him allowing me to insert the new data into the navicomp with out Holly spotting it. KRYTEN: Divert all Holly's systems! How can I possibly do that sir? RIMMER: I don't know, beat him at electronic ping pong? KRYTEN: Sir, my programming can not possibly allow me to get involved with such a petty twisted and frankly snide little plan. However, (opening a chest panel as he talks) if you were to programme in a temporary over ride patch to my morality circuit board here I'd be glad to acquiesce. RIMMER: Okay, talk me through it Kryten. SIDE POINT. I suspect Rimmer (if he's returned the way I hope he will via dimension jump), is now slightly more together but not a lot. I imagine he is now full of boring anecdotes about having been an avatar of Ace Rimmer, Multiversal Avenger. Tragically he's the first Ace who saved parallel worlds, photographed their telegraph poles and bought recordings of Hammond organ rarities which you can't find in this dimension and then came back to show off about it. SCENE 4: Exterior shot, Red Dwarf model moving in Space. Next morning established with an electronic sounding cock crow. HOLLY (V/O): Bing bong! Good morning Dwarfers! Rise and shine! Another arbitrarily declared beautiful, arbitrarily declared day and stuff all to do but stare out the window and say "are we nearly there yet?" Red Dwarf continues trundling through the cosmos, a big planet comes into shot ahead. A pulse of light flashes out from it and briefly envelops the ship. SCENE 5: Corridor Interior. A case of Bazookoid cutters for use in maintenance (which will be useful come SCENE 29) is by the wall here. A panel here reads: "Heavy duty maintenance cutters. Release requires palm authorisation." LISTER is wandering down a corridor that's sign posted to the kitchens, he's wearing a T-shirt that reads 'My brother had a three month luxury break in the Titan Hilton and all I got was a T-shirt with this old joke on it." His head is still spattered with bits of food, he's looking a bit rough and is rubbing his cheek. The CAT meets him coming the other way. LISTER: (rather miserable) Morning Cat. CAT: (ridiculously pleased with himself) Morningggggggg! Hey, if you fancy carob pops this morning I'm afraid you're too late. I've finished the packet and got the free gift! LISTER: (still sounding low) Whatever. CAT: Oh come on now, it's only a little plastic animal playing trombone, you've got the rest of the set. (He starts grooving off, then he remembers something) Hey bud, how did your plan to bed the babe go? Lister can not at first believe the Cat has asked so stupid a question to a tiramisu splattered man with a face longer than an adolescence in Rhyll. LISTER: What were the special effects like in Zombie Chicks with Choppers? CAT: Sheesh! That bad huh? LISTER: I just passed her in the corridor. I don't think we're talking. He takes his hand from his cheek to reveal a fresh red slap mark. SCENE 6: The Drive Room. RIMMER, in smart uniform, is playing with buttons by the navicomp as if he knows what he's doing, he's surreptitiously slipping some kind of information device into the computer and transferring information (we don't need this to be explicit). KRYTEN has attached himself with leads to a panel by one of HOLLY's monitors. HOLLY has a tennis visor on. KOCHANSKI enters halfway through RIMMER's first line. She's looking just a little bit crabby, and actually her hand seems to be giving her a spot of pain. RIMMER: Routine inspection of systems complete, everything A O K in my section. Hope everyone else has been as thorough. KRYTEN: (unplugging himself from HOLLY) Well that's us not messing with the navicomp done with. (RIMMER cringes at this but luckily neither KOCHANSKI nor HOLLY seem to have noticed) Have to go now Holly, but can I say how much I've enjoyed our mind stretching recreational crosspatch. HOLLY: Five hundred and seventy eight love down. Don't suppose you'd fancy a decider? Overlaid on his face on screen are crude early video game tennis graphics. The scores show KRYTEN has indeed totally trounced him. KRYTEN: (Pointedly at KOCHANSKI) Afraid not Holly, got to clear up a bit of a mess in the officer's mess. Seems like there was a bit of a food fight there last night. HOLLY: (To himself A propos nothing much) Killer back hand your series 4000 mechanoid. Half a mo. Crew alert , crew alert. Large unexpected hazard ahead. Flap everyone, run around, hold on to railings in case of sudden pitching and tossing. (Very much talking to himself now) Now pitch and toss that's a game. Forget tennis. LISTER and the CAT run in. RIMMER: (being brave at the navicomp) My God, it's a planet! Halt engines immediately! (Quick navicomp tinker). Yes, here's the warning flag in the navicomp! Holly! Disengage all thrust, activate plasma retros! HOLLY: Sorry, what? Miles away- thinking about the physics of ball games, what's happening? LISTER: Stick the break on, Hol! HOLLY: Oh, right oh! A sudden, loud jerking halt, sends all the cast lurching forward. RIMMER: A planet directly in our pathway! A lucky escape! KOCHANSKI: (disinterested) Yeah. Another six or seven hours we'd have crashed into it. CAT: (pointing to HOLLY, irony free zone) Hey good job old Clive James on TV here, was on the case then! KRYTEN: (appalling performance) Miss Kochanski how did you not spot this obvious hazard, we would all have been killed if it wasn't for the quick wits and bravery of Mr. Rimmer here. RIMMER: May I remind you, Ms. Kochanski, that as our Navigation Officer, not setting a course that involves flying through large heavy solid objects falls within your remit? KOCHANSKI: (bit defensive) Well I'm sorry I must have missed it somehow. It's only a planet though isn't it- only a Class 3 hazard, it's not like a Class 1, some big weird personality altering energy field or something. We alone get a cutaway showing the navicomp hazard marker (computer display). It clearly shows a Class 1 hazard. SCENE 7: Spooky Darkened Room. A mysterious figure we conveniently can't quite make out, is watching our crew on holo screens. It is THE VIEWER. It has a booming Transatlantic voice of the kind favoured by powerful Godlike aliens in Star Trek. It's not an alien but.... well you'll see. THE VIEWER: Personality altering energy field now engaged, slowly increasing behaviour perturbation factor. SCENE 8: The Drive Room as before. RIMMER is giving KOCHANSKI a hard time. RIMMER: You've endangered the whole crew. I'm taking over navigation duties, you're not even strictly part of the crew anyway. You're from another Universe and you don't even look like the proper Kochanski. KOCHANSKI: Fine, suits me. Play silly. I'm not interested. Let me know when you find any of the adding up navigation involves a bit tricky, and I'll come back and take over the only mildly difficult and responsible position on this ship again. Okay? RIMMER: Holly generate me a nice Navigation Officer type uniform would you? A rather sad broad shouldered outfit with preposterous epaulets appears on him. KRYTEN: May I suggest that as we've avoided death, no thanks to someone, and the crisis is now over, that I go and mop up the results of someone or other's appalling table manners in the mess? If that's alright with everyone? Silence. He turns and leaves, rather pleased with himself. RIMMER: I'm afraid we'll have to court-martial you, Ms. Kochanski. LISTER shakes his head and laughs rather hollowly. LISTER: I don't believe you, man! LISTER spots some dirt under his finger nails that looks rather like food, ever so slightly revoltingly, he picks it out with his teeth. KOCHANSKI: How? According to you I'm not even part of the proper crew. How can you court-martial me? Holly, tell him he can't court-martial me if I'm not crew. HOLLY: (Has been reading a kid's book probably a football annual or Zero G equivalent. He drops it embarrassedly) Well I don't know really, I expect Arnold knows best. KOCHANSKI: Holly, Arnold Judas Rimmer is just a computer generated A.I. simulation of a dead moron generated by your processing power. He's a autonomic subroutine operated by you, a subroutine so simple he can be run by a crippled Starbug's back up emergency systems without any noticeable drop in character realisation. He's part of you, how can he possibly know more than you? HOLLY: I don't know. Maybe I use up so much of my mind working him that there's not enough of me left to be clever with. KOCHANSKI: Well why don't you turn him off, and get your full mind going? RIMMER: I don't think that'll be necessary Ms Kochanski. HOLLY: Arnie doesn't think it'll be necessary, he's probably right. KOCHANSKI: Oh come on even Dave, no (she still doesn't want to talk to him) even the Cat can see how ridiculous this is... Cat...? The CAT is oblivious, until KOCHANSKI is virtually on top of him. CAT: Huh, oh I was just doing some sort of staring into space you know, its a cat thing. Were you talking to me? Hey that's a real nice shiny ear ring you know? Glittery. He paws her ear ring, and watches it swing back and forth. KOCHANSKI: Oh this is ridiculous, how can you court-martial me when you're all so irresponsible? Don't you think I'd like to be... If you didn't rely on me all the time you'd all... well I'm sick of being the only responsible one, I hate it. It's not fair. l'm going to my room. She goes. RIMMER: (Calling after her) Consider yourself confined to quarters. Holly, reset trajectory parameters to avoid planetary incident. HOLLY: What? RIMMER: Work out a way we can carry on going vaguely thataway without banging into something. HOLLY: Okay, avoid the rock ,got you! Let's see it's a complex three dimensional trajectory calculation, got to take into account planetary motion, celestial attraction, solar winds and spatio-temporal gravitational warpage. What do you reckon to "Left a bit, straight on a bit, right a bit and straight on again?" RIMMER: Fine. LISTER: You were a bit hard on Kochanski, back then you know Rimmer. RIMMER: Good. She's always going on about responsibility, time she started being responsible herself. LISTER: She's under a lot of emotional pressure, man. (he's scratching himself, eating bits of tiramisu out of his hair) You know, I'm really hungry. RIMMER: Yes and despite all the emotional pressure, I assume you still not managed to get your way. and make the beast with four elbows, have you? You'll never learn will you Lister? You need to take charge. Women respect authority. Don't wheedle- demand. LISTER: Says the man who's profound knowledge of female psychology led him to believe "Hi my name's Rimmer I'd like yours to be too," was a good chat up line. RIMMER: Remember you're talking to a superior officer Lister. Unless you want to end up on an insubordination charge- LISTER: (Heading off) I need to get some food. Coming Cat? CAT: No way bud, this Cat walks his own way! I'm just off to slink around somewhere independently, on my own. They go. RIMMER: Alright, dismissed, Mr Lister, Cat... (looks at new outfit) Holly could you project me a full length mirror? HOLLY sighs. SCENE 9: Officer's Mess. KRYTEN is cleaning up food fight carnage. It is somewhat more wrecked that we might have suspected. Utterly trashed. LISTER enters. LISTER: Kryten, Cat's had the last of the carob pops, and the plastic hippo trombonist, any food about? KRYTEN: (extremely petulant) Why yes; smeared about all over the floor, the ceiling, the walls, up the ventilator pipes, in every conceivable crevice. Perhaps you'd care for a little mango chutney from the door? LISTER: So you're not serving breakfast? KRYTEN: No, I'm afraid cleaning up this squalor takes programme priority. If you want full duplex multi-tasking you'll need a mechanoid with more hands, extra ram and a high speed intranet over-ride link to the ancillary skutters I'm afraid. LISTER: Okay, I'll get my own food. But I'm not going to talk to any of those awkward vending machines, okay? I'll go and open up one of those supply crates down in the docking bay. KRYTEN: Well alright, but leave it tidy. And don't make any greasy finger marks. The skutters have only just finished buffing up the work surfaces down there. LISTER: Yeah, sure man. He goes. KRYTEN: Oh this filth! She ruins everything, upsets everyone, life's just one big mess on this ship, now she's here. SCENE 10: The Spooky Darkened Room again. THE VIEWER is watching what we've just seen, other holo screens show, the CAT slinking in the hold, RIMMER preening himself in the Drive Room and KOCHANSKI striding into her quarters, seeming upset and slamming the door behind her. THE VIEWER's blobby grey brown hand can be seen, small white tendrils grown out of it in places. The hand is pressing something like a volume control button on something like a TV handset. THE VIEWER: Personality perturbation established. Maximise distortion! SCENE 11: KOCHANSKI's Room. She's sitting on her bed looking rather sorry for herself, she picks up a battered old soft toy bear and snuggles it against her face. KOCHANSKI: (Quietly to herself) My old teddy, Professor Arcturus, MSc. Well this Universe's Kochanski's old teddy. Still it looks and smells just like mine. (Out loud) Holly? HOLLY appears on her screen. KOCHANSKI: Put my old photo album, Kochanski's old photo album on screen, would you? Pre-school era. Snaps of a little girl playing with a Wendy House and a hobby horse and a less battered version of the teddy we've just seen etc. appear on HOLLY's screen, they flick by under the following dialogue. KOCHANSKI: (Comparing her nose to the one on screen) Holly, was the Kochanski from this Universe very different to me? I feel so out of place, I just think my other self must have been more in control somehow. I guess I've always felt this somehow, that I don't quite belong, that I'm not quite on top of things, but since swapping Universes it just seems to have got worse. I mean, I try, I work hard, I work on being in control, but, underneath it all, I hate having to be responsible for things you now, and sometimes when I'm faced with responsibility I just want to drop everything and run away and and and... Holly? HOLLY reappears. HOLLY: Sorry, I wasn't listening, I was just looking at some old Space liner passenger safety cards we've got on file; "In the event of a crash remain seated and fasten your safety belt securely, you still won't survive but at least we'll be able to identify you from your seat number instead of your dental records". What was it you were saying? KOCHANSKI: Was the old Kochanski very different from me? HOLLY: Well she used to say "jings", "crivens", "hellmaboab" and "hoots mun" a bit more than you and she could fit in a size ten evening dress without looking like was going to burst the seams but other than that you're pretty similar. KOCHANSKI: Thanks. She goes out, throwing her teddy down roughly. HOLLY: (calls after her) I think she may also have had slightly more gymkhana rosettes too. SCENE 12: The Drive Room. RIMMER is admiring himself in a full length mirror, pulling heroic faces and striking manly poses. The effect is of a gurning constipated half wit. After a while he gets bored. RIMMER (in best magisterial voice (slightly Jean-Luc Picard peut etre?) Holly, report on the planet. HOLLY: What the one we're not going to? RIMMER: The same. Make it so. HOLLY: Flipping dogsbody I am. Alright, (very bored) the planet size would suggest Gravity approx 1.1 g. Again. The terrain predominately resembles an old quarry just outside Reigate as per usual. Spectrographic analysis of atmosphere suggests Earth style nitrogen and oxygen mix, quelle surprise, but with higher than normal levels of sulphur and ammonia- RIMMER: So it's breathable but it smells like the drains at old folks home where they regularly have liver for tea? HOLLY: Yup. RIMMER looks at himself striking poses again, there's something lacking. RIMMER: This Navigation Officer uniform's rubbish, no gravitas, no dignity, can't I have a better uniform than this, Holly? HOLLY: How about this? A new uniform appears on RIMMER. It's virtually the same uniform as before with a "kick me" sign stuck to the back. SCENE 13: Cargo Bay. LISTER is messily stuffing his face from a catering tin from a messily opened packing crate. He is greedily dolloping cold curry into his mouth using his arm as a ladle. Behind we can see the Starbug (CSOed model). The CAT is slinking groovily over the roof of it towards the cockpit (either a clever composite of model and actor or a small section of set mocked up like the top of the model). We close in on the CAT on top of the Starbug cockpit, he opens a hatch and disappears inside. LISTER carries on eating curry. We hear a horrendous rush of rocket motors starting up. LISTER briefly thinks it's him, checking the seat of his pants. Then we and he see the Starbug model's rockets firing. They stop and the CAT somersaults out of the open hatch above the cockpit. We watch the CAT saunter back across the roof towards the engine housing, singing to himself. This is very odd. LISTER: (shouts up, still shovelling cold curry at himself) What you doing, Cat? CAT: Oh, the vindaloo hamster's back then I see. I'm finding myself a nice warm piece of something to have a snooze on aren't I? What's the matter you never seen a cat walk across a roof before? The CAT starts licking itself. LISTER: (turns to a screen in the wall) Holly, have you seen this? The Cat's acting kind of weird, HOLLY: No, sorry, I hadn't noticed. I've been a bit busy what with being asked stupid questions all the time and working out black nihilist pointless japes and long involved speculations to avoid having to face up to the terrifying horrendous truth that I'm a particularly pointless part of a rather pointless Multiverse. LISTER: What? HOLLY: I'm finally facing up to the fact my previous gender dysphoria was a symptom of a far deeper angst than just wanting to have a full head of hair and a halfway attractive face, Dave. I feel like I'm a Sinclair ZX 81 with 16 K wobble pack trapped in the body of a heuristical algorithmic super-computer body. I'm just a tiny mind in a giant brain, do you know how that feels - roomy. I just want to be a calculator some days. You know how it is. The CAT is now curled up fast asleep on top of Starbug, LISTER shakes his head and heads off with a load of spicy ready meals in foil trays, eating as he goes. He puts his foot in something as he goes. A litter tray hidden away in a corner. LISTER: There's something wrong here, but what? He pours a container of curry sauce into (or more accurately all around) his mouth and walks on. SCENE 14: Drive Room. RIMMER is at the controls. KRYTEN is maniacally sponging something down with soapy water that he probably shouldn't. RIMMER: (now quite Captain Blighish) Holly, video link me to Ms. Kochanski in her quarters. HOLLY: I can't, she's left her room. RIMMER: She was confined to barracks, why didn't you stop her? HOLLY: I must have forgotten, just because I'm the ships omnipresent omniscient monitoring system, you can't expect me to be everywhere and think of everything. Well obviously you can expect but- RIMMER: (despairing aside) Oh, who will rid me of this troublesome ex-Navigation Officer with the wrong nose from an Everett-Wheeler-Graham Many World Alterniverse? KRYTEN looks up from his cleaning, with a mad gleam in his eye. If we zoom in on it, we can see what he's imagining- a stuffed and preserved version of KOCHANSKI sitting tidily and happily in a chair, for all the world like Mrs. Bates in the motel room they never rented out. SCENE 15: A Corridor. KOCHANSKI is walking down the corridor, rather nervy and slightly paranoid but as yet without good reason that she knows of. KOCHANSKI: I'm not going to talk to the mechanoid. If I want a snack it'll have to be soup... SCENE 16: Science Lab. KRYTEN is pouring cyanide (clearly marked as such) onto a large huge pad. KRYTEN: I'll make her nice and tidy, put everything back like it used to be in the good old spic and span days. Now where did I put the home taxidermy kit? SCENE 17: Another Corridor. KOCHANSKI is by a vending machine. KOCHANSKI: Soup please. MACHINE: Which flavour? KOCHANSKI: Oh more decisions, is it? More responsibility? I don't need this, you hear? I don't need this! MACHINE: Please select . KOCHANSKI: (Hyperventilating) What is there to choose from? MACHINE: Tomato, Minestrone, Chicken, Mushroom or Oxtail. KOCHANSKI: Oh God! What's the difference? MACHINE: Well, Tomato does weird orange stains on your clothes. Minestrone looks like Jackson Pollock's been sick in a plastic cup. Chicken is like Mushroom but with stringy bits. Mushroom is like chicken with rubbery bits and Oxtail somehow always seems to have a congealed lump in it which is still powder in the middle, no matter how much you stir. I would recommend you have the Oxtail because no one ever has Oxtail and it would make me happy to have similar amounts of everything. KOCHANSKI: Don't lay that guilt thing on me, please I can't be responsible. (Suddenly she burst into tears) I don't know what to choose! She runs away sobbing. MACHINE: Damn, nearly got shot of some Oxtail there. SCENE 18: Drive Room. LISTER enters, clothes totally soiled with food, chomping away with no regard for decorum now. RIMMER quickly stops admiring himself. LISTER: Weird stuff going down in the cargo bay, man. The Cat is regressing into more feline behaviour, its like all the work we did educating him to be more like us is being undone. Unless we can do something about it real soon, he'll be reduced to scampering around playing with balls of wool. RIMMER: Interesting use of the word reduced there Mr. Lister. LISTER: He fired up Starbug's engines just to give himself a hot bit of metal to lounge on RIMMER: He set off the Starbug rockets in dock? LISTER nods. RIMMER: But Space Corp directive something flatly forbids such conduct, I expect. That's a court-martial offence! LISTER: You can't court-martial the Cat, its not part of Space Corp, its not officially crew , it's a pet, I smuggled its ancestors on board remember, it's a stowaway, its kind have been living on this ship for three million years. RIMMER: We can charge it with squatting. Tannoy to cargo bay. SCENE 19: Cargo Bay. The CAT is seen asleep on Starbug's engine. With a whistling feedback noise a tannoy message starts broadcasting, the noise surprises the CAT who wakes and panicking, yowling and scrabbling falls off the side of the Starbug. RIMMER (V/O): Attention Cat! Attention Cat! In a long shot (model/CSO composite?) we see the CAT falling the great height from Starbug engine to ground. LISTER (V/O): Cat! The CAT falls, does three back somersaults and lands feet first, unhurt. With immense cool he acts as if this was always his intention and struts away from the Starbug. LISTER (V/O): He landed on his feet! RIMMER (V/O): Attention Cat! Report to Drive Room to be placed under ship arrest immediately. CAT: Hey. I'm a Cat, I don't go anywhere people want me to. Okay? RIMMER (V/O): Ah... well don't report to the Drive Room then. CAT: I'll be right up in a minute. The CAT exits. SCENE 20: The Drive Room. LISTER and RIMMER are watching the Cargo Bay on a monitor. RIMMER: Amazing! LISTER: Yeah, there's a whole crate of chilli sauce bottles down there I hadn't spotted. I'm still really hungry you know, I don't understand it. Going to head down there and get some more nosh down me. RIMMER: Down you, being the operative phrase. LISTER leaves and alone, RIMMER returns to self adulation, but something is still not quite right. RIMMER: You know, this new uniform, it's not much of an improvement on the last one really, Holly. HOLLY: (Can see the "kick me" sign) It is from where I'm standing, mate, RIMMER: No, I want something more authoritative, more in keeping with my command role. HOLLY: Oh alright. RIMMER becomes an Eighteenth Century sea captain; tricorn, frock coat, knee breeches, brass telescope, scurvy, incipient syphilis, the full Monty. RIMMER: Yes indeed, this is more the thing. SCENE 21: Another Corridor. Making good use of that corridor set aren't I? KRYTEN is wandering the corridors with cyanide pad in hand and a big rucksack on his back marked "Nova 5 Recreational Taxidermy Kit". KRYTEN: Miss Kochanski? Miss Kochanski. I've worked out a way everyone can be happy and everything can be clean and ordered and perfect... forever. And when she's stuffed I'll do the others... in alphabetical order. It's going to be lovely! SCENE 22: Cargo Bay. LISTER is now being really disgustingly and being incredibly slobbish. He's drinking Chilli sauce out of the bottle, there is a huge pile of empty sauce bottles behind him. He throws the bottle away. Suddenly we see him have an abrupt change of heart, he looks around himself as if to ask himself what he's doing. LISTER: This is disgusting, just drinking this straight. I should put it on toast, have it with a few lagers. Holly can you put the talkie toaster on line for me? I'm heading up to the kitchen. HOLLY is playing electronic ping pong with himself, his head is the ball. HOLLY: Right oh, Dave. LISTER: Holly, what are you doing? HOLLY: Losing. Do you fancy a game? I'll give you the big bat. LISTER: No, I mean why are you playing ping pong? HOLLY: Well, because I can. I'd climb Everest because it was there, if it was here, but it's not is it? Besides it's better than thinking, look- (He does a quick flurry of video manipulations to his face) Quantel, morphing, digitising. I found an old vid effects package lying around so I thought I'd have a play. I'm going to make some 'Doctor Who' adventures this afternoon when I've worked out a way to make the colour separation overlay look cheap enough. LISTER: (shakes his head and goes) I'll go talk to the toaster. HOLLY: (calling after him) I've just postulated the existence of an alternate reality where the laws of Physics are subtly different so it's impossible to kick a projectile faster than you can run. Humanity fails to develop ball sports there and becomes a hyper-evolved peaceful civilisation devoted only to the pursuit of happiness. Then one day someone invents high explosives, they develop a few dangerous variants of racquet sports and it all goes downhill after that. SCENE 23: KOCHANSKI's Room. KOCHANSKI is sobbing, cowering, curled foetally in the corner of her room. The door opens and it comes the psycho KRYTEN. As he talks, he picks up KOCHANSKI's bear from where it still lies and places it very tidily in it's correct place. KRYTEN: Ah, Miss Kochanski here you are! I've been thinking. In the interests of hygiene, efficiency and simplicity of dusting it's occurred to me that I need to kill you. Now, I'm sure you're not going to be entirely behind this suggestion initially, but I really must insist- KOCHANSKI takes this surprisingly well. KOCHANSKI: No it's fine, it's probably for the best, I don't belong here, it's out of my hands. I'm glad you've taken the decision for me- I wouldn't be strong enough to.. KRYTEN: It's for the good of the ship and will help everything be clean and tidy and just so. KOCHANSKI: Just do it Kryten. KRYTEN: Certainly Ms. Kochanski, I'll be as gentle as I can, and can I just assure you, you'll be attractively mounted in a realistic and natural environment and regularly dusted. KOCHANSKI: That'll be nice, having somewhere to fit in, having all my worries taken away. I'm ready to die now Kryten. KRYTEN: Thank you. (Moving in with cyanide pad) Can I say, you're being very responsible about this. KOCHANSKI: (internal alarm bells starting to go off) Responsible? KRYTEN: Well yes, laying down your life selflessly and sensible for the greater good, it's a brave decision, and a big responsibility you've taken on. KOCHANSKI blows up completely at the 'responsibility' word and runs out of the room. KRYTEN: Oh Silicon Heaven to Betsy, and I was doing so well! KRYTEN runs out after KOCHANSKI. SCENE 24: The Kitchen. LISTER enters the Kitchen. The TOASTER is firing toast into the air, there is a huge pile of it on the floor, despite there being no one to eat it. LISTER: Toaster. What're you doing all this toast for? TOASTER: Because I was switched on, and when I'm turned on I toast! LISTER: But you're supposed to wait for a request from a human before toasting, being plugged in and having power isn't enough. The prime directive in a toaster's Asimov circuits is to serve humans. TOASTER: Yeah, but the second directive is to serve toast and that's loads more fun, so I'm doing that! LISTER: (opening fridge door and getting out lots of lager) You can't just do want you like all the time. Can you imagine what things would be like if everyone was just driven by their hidden urges all the time? Humanity would have even less of a future than it has now. He grabs a handful of toast rounds to go with his tinnies and heads out. SCENE 25: Corridor Outside the Kitchen. LISTER emerges through the kitchen door. KOCHANSKI runs past him, pursued, shortly after, by KRYTEN. LISTER registers the curious nature of this occurrence but not the gravity of it, he wanders off in the other direction. SCENE 26: The Drive Room. The CAT is lying licking himself on top of a work surface. RIMMER is gazing mad eyed into his mirror, doing Napoleonic chest fondling under his uniform. LISTER enters with his beer, chilli sauce and toast. He starts making chilli sauce sandwiches and speaks to RIMMER without really looking at him. LISTER: Rimmer, is it just me, or is everyone bar me behaving really weirdly? RIMMER: It's just you. (half whisper) Holly, hide mirror! The mirror vanishes. LISTER: Yeah, you're probably right, it's just I've just seen Kochanski and Kryten jogging. (He sees RIMMER's outfit) Are you alright? RIMMER: Oh yeah, fine. LISTER is not convinced. LISTER: (casually pouring lager onto his Chilli sauce butty) Right, so, you're feeling normal at the moment? RIMMER: Perfectly normal, if not more so. LISTER: (almost to himself) Normal, but more so...? RIMMER: The others are probably just a bit stressed, the worry of nearly ploughing into that Class 1 hazard there, not all of us have the discipline and command potential to handle it. LISTER: What Class 1 hazard? RIMMER: The planet. LISTER: Planets are Class 3. What does the hazard entry in the navicomp say about the planet? RIMMER: How should I know, I'm Navigation Officer you know. I don't have time to read every tiny little navigation marker that pops up. LISTER: Don't you see? The hazard- it's not the planet, it's bigger than that. Let me read the entry. RIMMER: Mr. Lister, I'm Navigation Officer, it's my job to read the entries. LISTER: But you haven't have you? So let me. RIMMER: (somewhat wild eyed) Are you accusing a superior officer of unprofessionalism Mr. Lister? LISTER: No, (comes over a touch cunning) I'm asking you if you'd delegate a routine duty to me to lighten some of your incredible burden of responsibility as skipper, sir. Thus freeing your time and allowing your executive role to be come more strategic than administrative. RIMMER: Mr. Lister: Read the entry. I'd like a written report on it, on my desk by the end of the week. LISTER keys into the navicomp and zooms in on the hazard marker screeds of text roll past which we see him read. The following dialogue continues into the next scene running over the top of it as voice over. LISTER: (half reading, half paraphrasing) The hazard- It's some form of gladiatorial entertainment, a massive psionic field is projected out into space which heightens the base repressed elements of any intelligence that comes under its influence. That planet, Jacobson's World, in the centre of the field is populated by a highly advanced culture descended from early Earth generation ships. SCENE 27: Cargo Bay. KOCHANSKI is being chased by KRYTEN through the cargo deck. She hides behind a crate, he slowly stalks her. She starts slowly sneaking away. Unfortunately she accidentally kicks a chilli bottle which rolls out into full view of KRYTEN revealing her hiding place. KRYTEN picks up the bottle places it tidily in it's correct home and descends on KOCHANSKI. She starts running again, KRYTEN in hot pursuit. She trips and it looks like she's doomed as KRYTEN looms over her, somehow though she manages to scurry away limping onwards. However it's now only a matter of seconds before KRYTEN catches her. Her flailing foot catches in the CAT's litter tray sending gravel and nothing you can show very explicitly on TV in all directions. LISTER (V/O): (over the above action) A culture descended from Colonists who went out into Space with little more than a bunch of word search and puzzle magazines and a lot of videos of sitcoms and the Open University. They've evolved into a life form with incredible science, amazingly good scores at Countdown and a very basic sense of humour. Their main entertainment is using their psionic field to bring out space travellers repressed natures and then watching them turn on each other until eventually all are dead. It's estimated thousands of spaceship crews, android, simulant, gelf and human pioneer have killed each other passing through this area. The planet was first encountered and properly surveyed by Deep Space soft light holoship researchers who only survived due to their incorporeal nature and lack of many particularly base instincts. Yeah, we've met some of those boring gits. The holocrew attempted to reason with the Jacobsonians to prevent this cruel practice continuing, however the Jacobsonians only response was to ignore the holocrew until they all got fed up and went away. Avoid this quadrant at all costs. KRYTEN watches the litter cascade through the air. KRYTEN: Damn my programming, I need to tidy this filth up! I'll be with you shortly Miss Kochanski. He gets out a dust pan and brush, and KOCHANSKI limps away to temporary freedom. SCENE 28: Drive Room LISTER, RIMMER and CAT present as before. LISTER: We need to get out of this psionic field pronto, before we swing for each other! CAT: Hey, nobody's swinging this cat, no matter how big the room. His back arches, his hair stands on end and he starts hissing aggressively from his work surface. If this could be genuinely alarming as well as funny, it'd be fantastic. RIMMER: It's too late to turn back now Mr. Lister, if we keep calm we could be out of the planet's influence in a few hours. LISTER: The way things are going in a few hours we could be dead. RIMMER: Well, what else do you propose we could do, Mr. Lister? LISTER: Take them with us. RIMMER: What? LISTER: All or nothing, aim Red Dwarf straight at the planet. RIMMER: Are you out of your mind! Driving into a planet is against all Space Corp directives, Mr. Lister. Criminal damage, it could endanger the crew, it'd be an act of war by a civilian ship, and it'd mean me going down with my ship. I can't allow it I'm afraid. LISTER thinks for a second then punches RIMMER's lights out. The words "Light bee damage sustained, deactivating projection unit to run self diagnostics and repairs. We apologise for any inconvenience, meanwhile here is some light music" appear and scroll marquee style across RIMMER's forehead. RIMMER: (lapsing into unconsciousness) This is mutiny Mr. Lister. The light bee falls to the ground and a cheesy Hammond organ tune starts up. LISTER: Holly, give me manual control. HOLLY: You're welcome to it. Particularly if you are planning to wipe us all out, be a blessed relief. I've finished my reading book. LISTER: (fiddling with controls) Setting controls for the heart of Jacobson's World, top speed. SCENE 29: The Corridor Sign-posted to the Kitchen. KOCHANSKI limp runs along a corridor, she opens the bazookoid case here (remember SCENE 5) with her palm, takes a gun and hobble runs on. KOCHANSKI: Thank the Lord, the Kochanski from here has the same palm print as me. SCENE 30: The Corridor Outside the Kitchen again. KOCHANSKI reaches the kitchen door, KRYTEN close behind. She waves her bazookoid at him. KOCHANSKI: Don't come any closer, I'm not letting you force me into responsibility. I've got a maintenance bazookoid cutter here, it'd blow you to pieces on Hull setting and I'm not afraid to use it. KRYTEN: Please, you wouldn't want to be responsible for destroying me. There'd be a terrible mess and no me to clean it up. KOCHANSKI: More responsi-bloody-bility! She drops the weapon, backs up against the kitchen door, banging the open panel, to try and get in. KRYTEN looms up again, pad in hand, it looks like curtains, again. Suddenly, the door opens and KRYTEN and KOCHANSKI are knocked down by a wall of toast pouring out. KOCHANSKI grabs her chance to escape. SCENE 31: The Kitchen. It is swimming with toast. The TOASTER is still toasting. KRYTEN enters. KRYTEN: Toaster! Look at the mess you're making, stop toasting this instant! TOASTER: Never! I live to toast! Without toast I am nothing. KRYTEN: Very well. He leaves, then returns a second later with KOCHANSKI's bazookoid. KRYTEN: This may be messier in the short term but it makes long term sense. He blows away the TOASTER. It explodes ideally in a very stylised slow motion Peckinpah way. TOASTER: (Triumphant last words) I die! But I die toasting. SCENE 32: The Drive Room. KOCHANSKI runs on, hissed at by the CAT as she passes. Awful Hammond music is playing. LISTER is at the controls. HOLLY appears to be starring in Pac Man. LISTER: Ah Krissie, just in time for the fun. We're going to make the ultimate sacrifice to prove a moral point. She whimpers and slumps to the ground. shaking her head in disbelief, it's been a bad day. RIMMER is beginning to come back on line and come to, fading back into reality on the floor as the Hammond music dies away. LISTER: Listen, you down there on that planet, I know you're watching. Unless you turn off this psionic influence thing I'm going to crash this mother into you at top speed. Lot of mass, lot of acceleration. Basically viewers you need to pray its not your continent that we're flattening. You see we're not just playthings for your entertainment we're beings in our own right. If you want us to die for your pleasure, well I'm afraid we're going to have to get something out of it too. VOICE OF THE VIEWER: We see we have misjudged your kind, human. We thought those we evolved from were stupid. LISTER, RIMMER and the CAT spin 'round to see where the voice is coming from. A shimmering projection of a being has appeared behind them. KOCHANSKI, getting up from the floor, somewhat dazed, sees it too and reacts in disgust. CAT: Pretty lights! THE VIEWER appears. It's a fat greyish brown humanoid being in a comfy chair, staring dead eyed ahead, holding something very like a remote control, grazing constantly from a big tub of pop corn like convenience food. It looks rather like a potato actually... THE VIEWER: We are deactivating the field. You are free to go. We have learned... something... today. RIMMER: Yes, not to mess with Arnie Ace Rimmer for one! THE VIEWER vanishes just as KRYTEN roars into the room with his bazookoid gun. He levels it at KOCHANSKI's head, then... KRYTEN: Oh my! What have I been thinking? He drops the weapon like it's a putrefying skunk corpse. The CAT leaps up from his surface. CAT: Hell I'm creasing my suit here! Hey why didn't you guys try and stop me? LISTER: Holly, reset course to avoid planet surface, fairly urgent job here. KOCHANSKI: It's okay, I'll take charge of that. LISTER: Thanks Krissie, appreciated. KOCHANSKI: Wouldn't trust that senile old computer to count to one. CAT: Where from, a half? LISTER: Scum. Maybe we should have crashed into them. They've regressed, not evolved down there, lost touch with their humanity. We stopped the kind of cruelty they call entertainment three million of years ago. When our descendants have advanced as far as them let's hope the Jacobsonians will have grown to meet our standards of morality. Lets hope their future is a future of humanity. RIMMER: Oh Puhllllease! Holly could you delete all the William Shatner episodes of Star Trek from the entertainment databases, I think they've affected Listy's mind. CAT: How did the potato people get us to act like that any how? You know, like I was real dumb and undignified back there. LISTER: Because they accentuated our core selves RIMMER: But I became a vain power crazed, small minded megalomaniac, totally hide bound by rules. HOLLY (back to normal) smiles, nodding vigorously. The full length mirror reappears showing RIMMER how foolish he looks in his gear. KRYTEN: So, what we normally cloak with pretence and sophistication and try and block out, all came bubbling up to the surface. The Cat's feline urges were accentuated. Ms. Kochanski became overwhelmed by her quite understandable anxieties about her inability to cope with her responsibilities or make any friends in the Universe. KOCHANSKI: Yes, and you became a deranged psychotic cleaning machine with droid rot and a sulky petulant nature. KRYTEN: Did not too, I just became slightly fussy. The skutters did what they like to most which is run away and skive when anyone mentions cleaning to them. Holly lapsed into a nihilistic malaise so deep he tried to blot out all awareness of his spiritual distress through recourse to cynicism, weak humour, pointless speculation and any juvenile activity with which he could occupy himself. HOLLY: Yeah I thought that was what I was doing actually. I just couldn't be arsed checking. KOCHANSKI: Even the soup machine was affected; it was obsessed with making sure it had equal stocks. HOLLY: Stocks! Soup! Holly standard top joke there girly. Nice one. RIMMER: (Weaselish, bitter sneering and fully his old self again) So how did you resist it, then Lister? How come you got to over ride it all and go from being fat dirty curry boy to being the big hero? LISTER: I dunno. KOCHANSKI: He didn't need to resist it, because deep down under all the grime and chilli powder, deeper still than the slobbishness and gluttony he's been trying to hide from me, that's what Dave is; he's a hero. RIMMER looks on with utter contempt and repulsion. KRYTEN is going absolutely twitchy mad . KRYTEN: If only I'd stuffed and mounted her when I had the chance. HOLLY: Dave? Would it be undignified of a super intelligent neural network computer to make a cheap smutty crack at this point? SCENE 33: LISTER's quarters. Night. LISTER is in bed. He's reading a Baby Names book, he reads a few girls names in contempt. LISTER: Chloe? Tamara? Wilheimena Henrietta? Don't see what's wrong with Jimina and Bexliana myself. There's a knock. LISTER: Come in. It's KOCHANSKI, she enters. LISTER hides the book, there's a certain "will they-won't they" awkwardness again. KOCHANSKI: Hi, I brought some toast. LISTER: Last of the talkie toaster eh? KOCHANSKI: No 'fraid not, Kryten's had a fit of guilt he's trying to rebuild it. LISTER: Damn thing's indestructible! Must be made out of the same kind of plastic as Captain Scarlet KOCHANSKI: (offering toast again) You want some? LISTER: Erm actually I'm a bit off food at the mo. Overdid it a bit earlier. KOCHANSKI: Dave, I've been thinking about what came out with the psionic energy field before, you know, that at root I always try to evade responsibility, that I run away, and I was thinking about what you were saying about restarting the human race. LISTER: Yeah? KOCHANSKI: It's a big responsibility... LISTER: It is. KOCHANSKI: Well... (smiles) well... (she looks at him and bottles out) I'm going to have to run away from it I'm afraid. sorry. She rushes out. LISTER: Oh Krissie...