This piece of fiction is set upon those characters made infamous through the Television program 'Red Dwarf'. Any infringements upon copyright etc are apologised here. Further more, this 'episode' takes place sometime after 'Ouroboros' but before 'Epideme'. Any errors, suggestions, ideas or death threats, please e-mail to taralys@hotmail.com But I digress.... Synopsis: The crew come across a derelict with a maddening virus that takes your psyche apart piece by piece. If they can survive this intact is there hope for Kochanski to inject a little class into their lives, or do characteristics run too deep? RED DWARF: CHARACTERISTICS - By Taralys Sardon /----------------------------------------------------------------------------\ | RED DWARF: "Characteristics" | \----------------------------------------------------------------------------/ Scene: StarBug, KOCHANSKI's quarters, she is laying in bed trying to ignore a pestering LISTER. KOCHANSKI: No, Dave. LISTER: But... KOCHANSKI: No. No buts, no nothing. LISTER: But... KOCHANSKI: What did I just say? LISTER: I know, I know. But... KOCHANSKI: Dave, No. (LISTER turns to leave, pauses for a moment) LISTER: Never ever? KOCHANSKI: Never ever. LISTER: Not even if.. (KOCHANSKI cuts him off) KOCHANSKI: Not even. No. N - O. I think even you would understand that. Come on Dave, it doesn't become you to beg. LISTER: I ain't begging. Not now, not ever. KOCHANSKI: So all that 'pleading' on your knees that was? LISTER: A moment of weakness. KOCHANSKI: Right. Good night Dave. LISTER: Yeah, night, Kris. (LISTER leaves, he walks dejectedly down a corridor, he morosely bumps into KRYTEN, who seems a bit too happy) KRYTEN: It's a bit late for you to be moping around isn't it Mister Lister, Sir? LISTER: Yeah, Krytes. I'm on me way to bed. KRYTEN: Did you just come from Miss Kochanski's room, Sir? LISTER: Weeeeeel KRYTEN: You did! I bet you were all rumpy pumpy and up and downy! Oh Sir! LISTER: Nothing like that, we were just, you know....chatting. KRYTEN: At Four in the morning sir? What were you chatting about. No let me guess 'How to hide the post-coital cigarette ash from poor old Kryten' LISTER: No man, you don't understand. (KRYTEN Blubblers) KRYTEN: You, you....you never visit me in my down-time. Some times I don't think you love me any more, Sir! LISTER: Krytes, man how could you even think that? Come on, walk me to me room and we'll talk it over a cup of Grease and some WD-40. (KRYTEN seems relieved as they walk off) (Scene: StarBug whizzing through space...) (Scene: StarBug cockpit, CAT is in his pilot's seat, driving quite nicely, thankyou. He is dressed sharper than a butcher's favourite knife) CAT: Even I must admit, I'm looking great today...wait... (CAT pulls out a small mirror) CAT: Yep, I still got to admit it. I've GOT to be the most beautiful creature in all six known universes! (CAT preens himself, he is paying little to no attention to piloting StarBug) CAT: I wonder if they cloned me, which one of us would be better looking? (KOCHANSKI enters silently from behind and sits at Nav. She listens to CAT prattle on) CAT: Ah, hell I'd have to share my title, and if there's one thing I hate more than argyle, it's sharing! KOCHANSKI: Cat, are you always this thrilling? CAT: I thought I smelt you come in, BB. No, sometimes, I'm better. Like when I'm playing hall of mirrors on AR! KOCHANSKI: Hall of mirrors? CAT: Yeh! It's a box of nothing but mirrors, there's nothing to do but look at me! KOCHANSKI: That's an AR game? What fun is looking at yourself all day? CAT: Hey, BB - when you're me, what more do you need? (Enter KRYTEN, he noticeably scowls at KOCHANSKI) KOCHANSKI: What's wrong with you? Your cables in a knot again? KRYTEN: Mister Lister told me. ma'am. I don't believe it, I simply DO NOT believe it. KOCHANSKI: Believe what? KRYTEN: You turned down Mister Lister last night? CAT: You turned down the monkey? Good on you! KOCHANSKI: It's not like that, Cat. CAT: What's it like then, I've never known... KOCHANSKI: Well, it's...it's... CAT: You could show me if you like...(Looks hopeful) KOCHANSKI: No! Not that! Never that! Not with! OH! You simply don't understand (KOCHANSKI storms out, furious) CAT: What got her all uptight? She looks madder than Rimmer when we (mimes quotation) *broke* his Hammond Organ CD's! KRYTEN: She's deeply insulted Mister Lister. CAT: So? KRYTEN: She won't do it, won't even consider it. He said he'd take it slow.. CAT: What? You're making no sense here! Although, for you that's normal. KRYTEN: Start easy....(mumbles). Poor Mister Lister. CAT: Wait, I thought you were against these two getting together. KRYTEN: I am.. CAT: So what won't she do then? You're about as helpful as a Frenchman during tourist season! KRYTEN: She won't...won't.....(falsetto) eat curry. (Scene: StarBug whizzing once again, closeby is a large grey, square vessel) (Scene: LISTER's quarters, he is laying on his bed badly playing the guitar, enter KRYTEN, who seems excited) KRYTEN: Sir! sir you can stop torturing us! LISTER: What? KRYTEN: Sorry sir, engage lie mode. Sir! you must take a break from that heavenly sound you create to hear my news. LISTER: It's no good. I know you're lying. Krytes, am I really crap at the guitar? KRYTEN: Oh....no sir. Not in any way. I said torture as a joke, yes a joke. (pause) HAHAHAH! (It sounds forced) LISTER: Come on Krytes, don't lie to me. KRYTEN: It's no use sir, you're a hopeless no-talent. Compared to the sound you make, Duelling Banjos sounds like Schubert! LISTER: Ayyy, come off it. I got talent, I got style. KRYTEN: You've got delusions.... LISTER: I'm ace, aren't I Krytes... KRYTEN: Who am I fooling, Sir! You kick butt with your skills at your axe! LISTER: I knew it! I knew it! (genuinely pleased) KRYTEN: However good you are sir, I still have a slice of good news for you. LISTER: Yeh? KRYTEN: It seems we've found a derelict transport ship. No life forms. LISTER: Cargo? KRYTEN: You'll love this. Larger and Curry a plenty sir! LISTER: Really? KRYTEN: I wouldn't lie to you! (LISTER jumps up and runs to the cockpit, KRYTEN waddles off after him) (Scene: StarBug Cockpit, CAT and KOCHANSKI are in place, LISTER is bubbling with excitement as he enters the cockpit, KRYTEN looks happy as he shortly follows LISTER in. All seated at usual places) CAT: Mmm-mmm I can smell those shami-kebabs from here. LISTER: Is it good Cat? CAT: Good? They should name this smell after me it's that great! KOCHANSKI: Ugh... I don't understand how you can stomach that stuff. Wouldn't you much rather a nice pot of tea and a roast pheasant? LISTER: Kris, what kind of snotty dimension did you come from? KOCHANSKI: The word, Dave, is class. And..... (LISTER cuts her off) LISTER: Let me guess, 'My Dave' (Does a KOCHANSKI voice) used to cook me pesants all the time and it was scrum-diddly-upmtious. KOCHANSKI: Pheasants, not pesants... LISTER: No difference. KRYTEN: Actually, sir... (LISTER cuts off KRYTEN) LISTER: Drop it Kryten. KOCHANSKI: (Pulls an 'ugh' face) Dave... LISTER: Sorry, Kris, you sound like you hung out with dorks who wore monocles and women in corsets. CAT: I like that last bit! KOCHANSKI: No, Dave, I just want a little class here, some deportment. And eating curry and then farting national anthems from A-Z is not what I had in mind! CAT: One of these days I'm going all the way to Zimbabwe! KOCHANSKI: See? LISTER: Yeh, but we're trying to cut all that stuff out for you.. KRYTEN: He's right ma'am, you should count yourself lucky. Mister Lister hasn't groomed his pubic hair in the cockpit for almost a whole week! KOCHANSKI: Fab...(Looks disgusted) LISTER: Look, there are other supplies and stuff on that derelict. I'll make a deal with you, Kris. KOCHANSKI: Okay.. LISTER: You come and try a real good curry and larger, just one full meal and with whatever else supplies on it and the stuff we have here on the 'Bug, you can plan the next meal. KOCHANSKI: Anything I want? LISTER: As long as you stick to your end of the deal. KOCHANSKI: Anything? LISTER: Anything. CAT: Do we have to take part in this, I was looking forward to a solid week of Trout a'le Creme.. LISTER: Yes. Now come on, Kryten, bring the mobile kitchen. KRYTEN: And the mobile sink for washing dishes? KOCHANSKI: Even the kitchen sink? Sure, why not. KRYTEN: Oh goody! Cooking and cleaning! (CAT & LISTER roll their eyes) (Scene: StarBug docking on the derelict) (Scene: A nondescript corridor it is labelled LEVEL 1/NIVELO UNO, The crew sports Bazookoids, just incase. LISTER has a knife and fork sticking out of his left pocket, they are walking) KRYTEN:(Reading a scan output) It's a JMC ship, sir! A heavy transport ship, apparently it was enroute to Red Dwarf. LISTER: So what happened to the crew? KRYTEN: Well, according to the last ship's log;(Droll voice) 'Ahhhh, ahhh I can't stand it any more. This is insane. Ahhh-ahhh'(Normal voice) CAT: That doesn't explain much. KOCHANSKI: Yeah, it could be anything from an insane monster to a service droid gone completely bonkers. (Looks at KRYTEN) LISTER: Well, any life signs now, Krytes? KRYTEN: Besides us sir, none. LISTER: Then it doesn't matter. We eat. And we eat well. Then we get all this stuff onto StarBug and scarper off! KRYTEN: Might I say an excellent plan sir! Much better than anything a lowly navigation officer could think of! (Looks at KOCHANSKI). (CAT points to a door) CAT: In here, buds! (Scene: The derelict from the outside..passing of time) (Scene KOCHANSKI, LISTER and CAT are seated at a mess table, KRYTEN rolls in a silver cart with curry galore, etc, he serves a plate to each member, barring himself, he then places a larger infront of each member) KRYTEN: Dinner is served. But first, before we eat a little theatre. I managed to dig up the last captain's log that he recorded. It may shed light on the lack of remains. If not, it's bound to be a jolly good laugh! (KRYTEN presses a button on the table, a small screen comes from out a hole, and a diary entry plays. We can see CAPTAIN HAYDEN, he is a well built man with a full head of hair. Oddly though he is dressed in a female clothes. He appears very feminine but sports a full beard!) CAT: Must of been a heck of captain...look at the way his handbag matches his blouse! Captainship at it's finest! CAPTAIN HAYDEN: This is the personal log of Captain Geoff W. Hayden of the transport ship, Jack Rabbit. It seems my crew have gone a tad bonkers and are acting incredibly out of character. I have all my emergency medical staff on overtime trying to find out what happened. But one acts like a squid, one a quarter back and the third a 13th century highwayman! 7 more of my crew ejected themselves into space in a final fit of madness. God, I can only hope I do not get affected by whatever madness is going around. Out. (Screen blacks out.) (PAUSE. Screen comes back) CAPTAIN HAYDEN: Additional. (Sings) On the good ship - Lollypop, it's a sweet trip to the (screen fades out) KOCHANSKI: (Looks shocked) Did you see how much make-up he was wearing!? And just WHAT was he thinking wearing a black bra under a white blouse! LISTER: Uh, Kris...I think we've got bigger problems. Krytes? KRYTEN: No, nothing to worry about. I've logged into the medi comp and downloaded all the available data on this madness. It seems it takes your characteristics apart piece by piece until you just, well you heard him! But the madness has been expelled into space with the last victim. CAT: So we're not going to go nuts? KRYTEN: I guarantee it. The madness had nowhere to go after the last victim! LISTER: Good, then it's settled. Dig in! (KOCHANSKI turns her nose up at the curry but eats petite bites cautiously. CAT and LISTER dig in heartily) (Camera zoom on kebab entering LISTER's mouth) (Scene: The Jack Rabbit standing dead still in space, docked to it is StarBug) (Scene: Jack Rabbit Cargo bay, the four are moving boxes onto a matter transportator (Like in 'RIMMERWORLD) Every so often KRYTEN beams it back to the 'Bug) CAT: Well that was the best thing I ate since I licked a furball off my arm this morning! KOCHANSKI: Cat! That's gross! CAT: No-way, BB! Have you tasted me? KOCHANSKI: I don't plan to. CAT: Okay, but you're missing out! LISTER: Well, Kris I must admit you held up your end of the bargain. So? How did you find it? KOCHANSKI: It was....it was, good. I must admit Dave, it was really good! LISTER: Ye-es! Told you! So, no more turning your nose up during curry night? KOCHANSKI: Well, at least I won't turn my nose up as far as I used to. (Smiles). (To KRYTEN) Any sashimi? KRYTEN: Yes, Ma'am, there is also plenty of pasta and salad. LISTER: Oh Kris, you can't! Not pasta! and NO salad! KOCHANSKI: You promised, Dave. CAT: Nice going, bud. Now we're going to have to eat healthy! KRYTEN: Ma'am, suggest you drop this idea of lasagna with side salad and sushi as entree? Mister Lister can't survive without something hot. LISTER: He's got a point, Kris. KOCHANSKI: No, you worthless excuse for a toilet brush! Dave promised me, and I just *know* Dave keeps his word. LISTER: Uh, yeah...sure. (Looks worried) (Scene StarBug leaving the Jack Rabbit and heading off into space) (Scene: Cockpit of StarBug, all four are in there usual places, CAT, KOCHANSKI and LISTER are looking tired) KRYTEN: Well, that was incredibly successful trip. Did you see how much urine re-cyc wine we got from them!? LISTER: (yawns) Krytes man, I told you not to bring that stuff! KRYTEN: Oh but sir, it's a fine vintage! LISTER: Vintage? You've got to be kidding?! KRYTEN: Well, yes. But I thought that if I told you it was a vintage you'd drink it. Anyway, it could be a viable option to tomorrow night's dinner! CAT: (yawns) Metal trash-can's got a point! Death by re-cyc or Bud Babe's cooking? now that's a choice! KOCHANSKI: (yawns) Come on guys, don't knock it until after you tried it. LISTER: Yeh, give her a fair go. Ugh, I'm so tired, I think I'm going to bed.. (gets up and leaves) KRYTEN: Goodnight, sir. Odd, it's only six-thirty, he only goes to bed at this time if he wants to get up REALLY early like, ten! KOCHANSKI: I think I might go too. KRYTEN: You are going to your own room aren't you, ma'am? KOCHANSKI: No. Of course not. Me and Dave had had this thing going for such a *long* time, I just can't hide it anymore. I've GOT to have him! KRYTEN: *MA'AM!* KOCHANSKI: I'm joking you neurotic excuse for a plunger. (She leaves) KRYTEN: That's not fair, ma'am. Not fair at all. CAT: Pfft! Those monkeys have got no stamina! (Falls asleep at his post) KRYTEN: Tell me about it, sir! (CAT snores lightly, he snores on a groovy tune) KRYTEN: Sir? Sir? Odd... (Scene: StarBug flying past planets and rocks and stars, oh my!) (Scene: StarBug mid section, KRYTEN is preparing breakfast and humming softly to himself. Enter KOCHANSKI, she is dressed *VERY* sexily. It appears she has put an amazing amount of time into getting ready this morning!) KRYTEN: Ah, good morning, ma'am. Might I say you are looking particularly wonderful this morning. KOCHANSKI: Thank you, Kryten. I do try. All for him...(Sighs whistfully) KRYTEN: Him? Ma'am? (Just as KOCHANSKI is going to answer the CAT plomps into the mid-section he is looking incredibly average, he walks without cool, his hair is tied back but falling out. He doesn't wear a stylish suit, just normal pants and a shirt) KOCHANSKI: Cat? Is that you? CAT: Yeah, Kris, I was just reading Herodotus this morning, do you realise how advanced the politics were in those days? KRYTEN: Cat? Sir? Are you okay? KOCHANSKI: Yeah, he never calls me Kris! CAT: I'm fine, Kryten. (Before anybody can mull this over, LISTER walks in, he is wearing dirty, old clothes and an apron, in his arms is a big load of washing) LISTER: (To KRYTEN and CAT, he ignores KOCHANSKI) Sorry I'm not presentable. But I have so much ironing to do, I just finished cleaning the shower, that's why I'm covered in all this grime. Once I've done all this ironing, I'll dress properly for you. KRYTEN: Mister Lister, sir! Are you okay? CAT: He's nuts! LISTER: I'm feeling great, Kryten. KOCHANSKI: (Pants) Oh, Dave. You drive me *crazy*. LISTER: (Finally notices her) Oh, Miss Kochanski, hi. Didn't see you there. CAT: Didn't see her? Her dress is so short, even Mariah Carey would blush! LISTER: Nope, didn't see it. But, you, Cat, are you okay? You're -different- somehow. CAT: Nope, I'm okay. It's you who's gone nuts, Dave. KRYTEN: Did I just walk onto a taping of 'The Extraordinary'? You are all acting, with respect, sirs and ma'am. NUTS! KOCHANSKI: Krytens' right. Cat you are a bit off centre. KRYTEN: See, that tears it! Miss Kochanski even agrees with me! NUTS! LISTER: Calm down Kryten. I know I'm okay, it's them - see. KOCHANSKI: Oh, Dave, you are much better than okay (licks her lips). LISTER: Not now, Miss Kochanski. CAT: Now, if this sanatorium convention would excuse me, I've got engine's to oil and grease! (CAT gets up and leaves) KRYTEN: Something is definitely wrong! Cat is doing work! LISTER: Yeah, we'll look into it after I'm dressed. okay? KRYTEN: But sir! That *is* you dressed! LISTER: Don't be daft. Now I've got ironing to do. KRYTEN: But that's MY job, sir! LISTER: You're crazy, Kryten! I've -always- done the ironing. KOCHANSKI: Oh, Dave, can I watch your big, manly arms iron? LISTER: (noticeably sighs) If you must. KOCHASNKI: Goody! (KRYTEN shakes his head) KRYTEN: Nuts! I tell you it's nuts! (Scene: StarBug flying through space) (Scene: LISTER's quarters, He is dressed respectably, in nice, clean pants and a nice, clean shirt. He is well shaved and groomed, He is sitting on his bunk, tuning his guitar) LISTER: Almost there... (tunes it a bit more) (Enter KRYTEN, he has one hand behind his back, which holds a MediScan) LISTER: Oh, hi Krytes, what's up? KRYTEN: Sir? Are you sure you're feeling one-hundred percent? LISTER: Yeh, why? KRYTEN: It's just that your acting stranger than a Welshman deprived of fish and chips! LISTER: (Shakes his head) Nope, I'm same as I was. (Strums his guitar) KRYTEN: Play a tune, sir. LISTER: Alright, but I'm not very good. (LISTER plays a bit, he lied, he is fan-smegging-tastic at guitar, KRYTEN even finds himself tapping his 'toes') Like I said, I'm a bit crap. KRYTEN: Crap? You play like the ghost of Perry! LISTER: Get outta town, I could never be that good, I'm not even on par with Brian May, let alone Joe Perry! KRYTEN: Sir, would you mind if I gave you a medical screening? LISTER: Why? KRYTEN: Just routine, you understand. (KRYTEN pulls out the MediScan and runs it over LISTER) Just cross-checking files. (pause) LISTER: Any news? KRYTEN: Uh, no sir, everything tip-top. (KRYTEN grimaces at the lie he has just told and hurries off out of the room) (LISTER smiles and shakes his head, and goes back to tunefully and tastefully playing his guitar, enter KOCHANSKI, LISTER doesn't even look up to acknowledge her) KOCHANSKI: Hi, Dave. LISTER: Mmmm? Oh, hi again Kochanski. (KOCHANSKI puts up a finger in the 'wait one moment' gesture) You okay? KOCHANSKI: (Pulls out a diary and pencil) Eleven A.M, My idol, god and man I long to marry, David Lister said 'hi' to me. (She writes as she is saying this) LISTER: You're acting like a smitten schoolgirl, you know that? Spending time with you is like watching 12 year old girls trying to get onto a member of an all-boy band! KOCHANSKI: Sorry, Dave. I can't help it. You're so (moans, softly) -sexy- LISTER: You're crazy, Miss Kochanski. KOCHANSKI: You mind if I take off my dress? It's a bit hot in here. LISTER: Yes, Kochanski - now out. (Points to the door, annoyed) KOCHANSKI: Could we have sex later then? LISTER: *OUT!* KOCHANSKI: (writes in diary) Eleven-oh-five. Didn't turn down offer of sex. there is hope for me yet. (KOCHANSKI leaves) (Scene: StarBug flying through space..) (Scene: KRYTEN is in that room where he keeps his spare heads) KRYTEN: Oh, I've betrayed all my masters! SPARE HEAD ONE: What happened, Kryten? SPARE HEAD THREE: He smegged up! That's what! KRYTEN: Be quiet! Spare Head Three! I've made all my masters go insane because I fed them infected foodstuffs, and now they're not themselves. SPARE HEAD TWO: How do you mean, Kryten? KRYTEN: Well, Spare Head Two, The madness takes their characteristics apart piece by piece. For instance, Mister Lister hates curry and loves to be spick and span! SPARE HEAD THREE: And that's bad how? KRYTEN: It's just not Mister Lister, Spare Head Three! SPARE HEAD ONE: So what are you going to do? KRYTEN: I've studied the virii and have constructed a mechanical counterpart. I will proceed to infect myself and try to formulate a mechanical solution - and then make a biological one. SPARE HEAD THREE: Jus' like you did in Gunmen of the Apocalypse? KRYTEN: No, this is completely different. SPARE HEAD THREE: But you're infecting yourself, that's not original, is it? KRYTEN: Well, no I must admit that but it is the most viable solution that I have come up with. SPARE HEAD THREE: But it's just like the Gunmen! KRYTEN: It is not! This is completely different. One we have complete control over the ship and two Mechanoids have no characteristics to take apart. But the madness is impossible to study any other way? Okay? does that suit your 'originality' chip, Spare Head Three? SPARE HEAD THREE: S'got nothing to do with me... (CAT comes out of a closet behind KRYTEN, he is dirty and sweaty, he has obviously been working hard) CAT: Don't worry, I almost have it! (CAT returns to whence he came, with renewed vigour) SPARE HEAD TWO: You time is finite, Kryten. I suggest you use most of your time to fixing this quickly. KRYTEN: Agreed, Spare Head Two. Who knows what Cat might do next! He could start thinking of others! (Scene: StarBug cruising...) (Scene: KRYTEN, unmoving, his eyes flicker as he processes a solution) (Scene: LISTER is serving the other lunch in the Mid-section) (Scene: KRYTEN sits upright and smiles, he's found a solution) (Scene: AR suite. The four are seated, the masks are yet to be lowered) KRYTEN: I know none of you are going to believe me, but you are all afflicted with the insanity that claimed the Jack Rabbit. CAT: Is this going to take long? I've got sewage to lag! KRYTEN: If you'll just spare me ten minutes I believe I could get you back to normal. I'm going to convert your personality into electronic signals and compare them against AR versions of you. Where they differ, I'll change it. KOCHANSKI: Is this going to hurt, am I going to faint into Dave's strong arms? KRYTEN: No, it will be quite painless, Ma'am. (KOCHANSKI is noticeably disappointed) (the Masks lower) (Shot of the AR screen, it is split in two, on one side is the word MAD LISTER on the other is AR LISTER, the word FIXING flashes, then the word FIXED. The same process is begun on MAD CAT and AR CAT...shot fades) (Scene: 'Bug flies through space) (Scene: Mid-Section of StarBug, LISTER and CAT are seated, KRYTEN is setting the table for dinner, they are all back to normal...) LISTER: I did what? KRYTEN: You refused to let Miss Kochanski walk around nude in your quarters. LISTER: I must of been mad! KRYTEN: Quite, sir..(frowns) CAT: I'm NEVER going to get this smell out! KRYTEN: Poor, Mister Cat, he was a workaholic. LISTER: Did I say anything else stupid? KRYTEN: Yes sir, infact you said more daft things than an episode of the 'Beverly Hillbillies'. You even said you were looking forward to tonight's pasta and salad! LISTER: Ack! CAT: You think you've got problems! I wore overalls without spangles! I was a disaster! (KOCHANSKI wheels in a tray with meals on it, she lays one infront of CAT and LISTER, meanwhile KRYTEN nondescriptly pulls a small sauce like bottle out of a nearby cupboard) KOCHANSKI: Well, now that everything's back to normal, and I trust Kryten cleared all this food for human consumption. And I mean the human consumption where we *don't* go stark raving mad. KRYTEN: Ma'am please, I've quite thoroughly checked it. KOCHANSKI: Okay, Dave, Cat - dig in. (KOCHANSKI takes a bite and closes her eyes, she is obviously enjoying a change from curry, CAT shrugs and eats a small bite. LISTER looks worried, but tries some anyway) KOCHANSKI: Mmmm, Now this is food. (LISTER looks disgusted) LISTER: It's got no pep, no get-up-an-go, Kris. KOCHANSKI: Class, Dave, it's its own flavour. Remember you promised. Still, I for one am glad we're all us again. CAT: Yeah, I couldn't live without being me! But monkey boy has a point for once, this is rather, well bland. Infact is almost as boring as an english lecture given by an teacher in a bad tie with halitosis! KOCHANSKI: Can't we just once not have anything that requires an indigestion pill as dessert? (KRYTEN turns to face KOCHANSKI, his back is to LISTER, behind his back, he holds a bottle of Tobasco extra-hot sauce, whilst he talks to KOCHANSKI, both LISTER and CAT use it on their meals. As KRYTEN is blocking KOCHANSKI's view she is noen-the wiser) KRYTEN: Quite ma'am for once I agree with you, it's nice to have a bit of taste and decorum. KOCHANSKI: Thankyou Kryten, I guess you're just sick of trying to get out curry stains that appear everywhere on Dave's clothes, even his underwear.. KRYTEN: Well, yes ma'am, there is that. KOCHANSKI: Or so we can a bit of variety in our diets.. KRYTEN: Quite ma'am (CAT finishes up and passes the bottle back to LISTER who hands it to KRYTEN his work done, the mechanoid goes back to the cupboard and replaces the bottle) LISTER: Actually, Kris, this is really good once you get into it. KOCHANSKI: See, Kryten, I told you he would like it! And you said he wouldn't eat anything that didn't originate in India! KRYTEN: Yes ma'am, I guess you were right. (Smiles smugly) KOCHANSKI: Finally some class and decorum in our characteristics! I've dreamed of this day for so long, eating a civilised meal, having a civilised conversation. LISTER: Yeah, me too, Kris, Uh Krytes - we got any poppadoms? KOCHANSKI: Poppadoms? With salad? (Get up and stands behind LISTER, she takes her fork with her. She steals some of LISTER's food) LISTER: Well, any classy food needs a bit of zest, Kris. I'm sorry I just can't do it. Spicy food is part of me characteristics. It's what makes me *me* KOCHANSKI: KRYTEN! (scowls) KRYTEN: It was your wish ma'am you said you wanted *everything* back to normal KOCHANSKI: I didn't mean, forget it! (Sits back down) All I wanted was a little class. A small iota of decorum...is that so much to ask? CAT: From him? Yeh! (KOCHANSKI, in defeat takes a rather large swig of lager) KOCHANSKI: Class, just a little bit. Just a tiny piece. Why couldn't you all be more like me? (Burps, rather loud and long) LISTER: Yeh, guys, we should try to be more like her. (Burps too) KOCHANSKI: No! I...oh forget it. (Defeated get up and turns to leave, she stops momentarily and roughly man-handles herself and appears to give her nose a good pick, then leaves) CAT: I didn't think she had that kind of characteristic in her! KRYTEN: Neither did I to tell you the truth. (Holds up a small disk that is clearly labelled MODIFIED KOCHANSKI) (LISTER and CAT smile) (Roll credits & Theme) /----------------------------------------------------------------------------\ | END | \----------------------------------------------------------------------------/