Time:  11 pm in late July
Place:  Video Store Interior
At Rise:  The stage is set up like a typical video store interior.  There is a counter with a cash register sitting downstage center.  The rest of the stage has evenly spaced racks with videotapes on them.  Bobby, the clerk is dressed in black slacks, a white button down shirt, and a red vest.  He is closing down the register.  There is a single light on immediately above the counter.  Bobby pushes the drawer shut and locks the money in a safe under the counter.  He hits a switch and the light goes off.  He walks off stage right.  There is a loud rustling downstage and all the lights go on.  Standing next to the counter is a black man with three long braids running down the back of his neck.  He is dressed like Dave Lister from the British show Red Dwarf.  He walks along the first row of videos and taps on a few of them.
Dave Lister
(in a British accent) Come on out, guys.  He’s gone.  (there is a rustling behind the first row of racks and a blonde head peeks out.  She is dressed like Marilyn Monroe’s character Lorelei Lee from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.  She is dressed in a pink strapless evening gown with matching elbow length gloves.
Lorelei Lee
(in a breathy voice)  You sure he’s gone?  You’ve been wrong before.
Dave Lister
(crossing the stage to stand next to her)  Trust me, Sweetie, he’s really gone.  (Dave reaches out to touch her, but she shrugs him off)  Still playing hard to get, I see.  You’ll succumb to me eventually.
Lorelei Lee
(smiles as she shakes her head)  Not when I have a date with Indiana Jones tonight.
Dave Lister
(frowning)  Hey, I’m a hero too.  I am after all the lone survivor of a radiation leak on a mining vessel that was lost in deep space.  How can you beat that?
Lorelei Lee
(shaking her head again with a small laugh)  You don’t have a whip.  (she exits stage left

with Dave calling after her)

Dave Lister
I have a holowhip!  It’s as good as the real thing!  (he sighs when he realizes that she

can’t hear him.)  Smeg!  (He walks over to the counter and reaches under it.  He picks up a nine inch television and places it on the counter next to the register.  He plugs some cords into the television.  As he is finishing up Darth Vader comes on from stage left.  Dave looks up and sees him.)  Hey, Vader man!  I was just setting up the Playstation, I knew you would be around soon.  (Darth wanders over and peers over Dave’s shoulder)
Darth Vader
What game are we playing tonight, David?  (Dave holds up a case triumphantly)
Dave Lister
Battletoads!  (Vader shakes his head and sighs)
Darth Vader
Again?
Dave Lister
(frowning)  We can’t play Wing Commander or one of the other Star Wars games every single night.  Don’t be such a Smeghead!
Darth Vader
You have to tell me what this word smeg means one of these days.
Dave Lister
Trust me, Man, you don’t wanna know.  (Dave hands a controller to Vader and turns on the game.  They play for a few moments before Dave starts shouting at the television)  You Smegpot!  You’re going the wrong smegging way!  When I play you’re supposed to do what I tell you to do!
Voice of Toad in video game
Me go this way!  You dumbass!  Me know what to do!
Dave Lister
(getting angry)  I have the controller!  You do what I command!
Darth Vader
(lifting his hand)  Allow me to use the force to deal with this feeble minded frog.
Voice of Toad in video game
Me no frog!  Me toad!
Dave Lister
No, dude, that’s not necessary.  If you break the telly Bobby will be mad when he comes in tomorrow.  Just let them play by themselves.
Voice of Toad in video game
Good, you no play.  You not even beat first level.  (Toad laughs cruelly as Dave and

Vader walk away)

Dave Lister

At least Han and Luke are never mean to me like that.  We’ll play one of your games

later.  (Vader nods)
Darth Vader
They may be my enemies, but they usually do what they are told to do.  (they both stand there looking around for a moment or two, unsure of what to say next)
Dave Lister
Did you hear that Lorelei has a date with that smeghead Indiana Jones?  (Vader looks down at Dave almost fatherly)
Darth Vader
Forget her, David, you can do better than her.  Sometimes I don’t think she’s all there.
Dave Lister
(sighing sadly)  Girls turn me down all the time, first Kris dumped me for her ex boyfriend Tim and then she died with the rest of the crew.  Now Lorelei won’t even give me the time of day.  (Vader pats him on the shoulder)
Darth Vader
You’re trying to hard, my son.  Maybe if you weren’t always sniffing around her so much she would come around.  But I still think she isn’t right for you.  There are better women out there.  Just the other day I heard Ellen Ripley say that you were cute.  Dave scratches his head)
Dave Lister
Isn’t she the girl who fought those aliens?  (Vader nods)  Well, she has experience with aliens who want to suck your brains out and so do I.  It would certainly give us something to talk about.  (Vader pats his shoulder again)
Darth Vader
You think about that, Dave, she would be much better for you than Lorelei.  How do you think Lorelei would react if she encountered a polymorph that could suck out certain aspects of your personality?
Dave Lister
She’d prolly pull a Rimmer and run or faint.  Maybe I should introduce her and Rimmer.  (he laughs to himself and Vader shakes his head)
Darth Vader
And how would Ripley react?
Dave Lister
She would blow the smegger into the next galaxy.  (just then Lorelei walks on from stage left with Indiana Jones.  She is chattering with him softly, Dave strains to hear what she is saying but he can’t.  Indiana looks bored.  They walk off stage right, Vader looks at Dave)
Darth Vader
He looks bored out of his mind, Jones is a very intelligent man while Lorelei is somewhat lacking in that area.  She may be nice too look out and good in bed, but she couldn’t carry a conversation if you downloaded it into R2-D2 for her.  (Vader looks around)  I have to be going, the Death Star does not run itself and the Emperor will be landing shortly.  (Dave nods)
Dave Lister
You go do what you gotta do.  I should be getting back soon myself, I left Rimmer and Cat in charge of the ship and smeg knows what they are doing.  (Vader nods and walks off stage left.  Dave is about to get going himself when Ripley comes on stage carrying a large gun.  Dave looks up and sees her, he calls out to her rather awkwardly)
Dave Lister
Hey, Ripley, how goes it?  (she looks at him and smiles)
Ellen Ripley
Pretty good, Dave.  How about you?
Dave Lister
Fine here, that’s a nice gun you have there.  Some time I have to show you my bazookazoid, it rocks.  (Ripley smiles)
Ellen Ripley
That sounds great, Dave, I am free right now.  Do you have time?  (Dave grins foolishly)
Dave Lister
I was just on my way back to Red Dwarf, have you ever seen a three mile long mining ship?  (Ripley shakes her head)
Ellen Ripley
I haven’t but I would love to see one.
 

Dave Lister
Then let’s go!  (he offers her his arm.  She takes it and they walk off stage right.  Lights go down as curtain closes.)