This piece of fiction is set upon those characters made infamous through the Television program 'Red Dwarf'. Any infringments upon copyright etc are apologised here. Further more, this 'episode' takes place sometime after 'Duct Soup' but before 'Epideme'. Oh yeah, it helps to have seen 'Waiting For God'.... Any errors, suggestions, ideas or death threats, please e-mail to taralys@hotmail.com But I digress.... Synopsis: Lister gets his chance to impress Kochanski, but can Kryten overcome his paranoia and what's up with the Cat? RED DWARF: THE DATE - By Taralys Sardon /----------------------------------------------------------------------------\ | RED DWARF: "The Date" | \----------------------------------------------------------------------------/ (Scene: Int. StarBug Cockpit, all seated in regular positions, the Red Alert bulb is flashing and a klaxxon sounds) KOCHANSKI: .....And we're dead. (Klaxxon and Bulb stop) CAT: Really? KOCHANSKI: Really, you think you could of taken any longer to comb your hair? CAT: Hey, B-B I have to look perfect if we're going to be under attack from Simulants or Gelfs. Imagine being killed with a cow-lick? I'd never live it down! KOCHANSKI: But you were in the bathroom combing your *pubic* hair. CAT: Hey, I have to always be in top-notch condition, what if a lady suddenly appears in my bed and there I am with my pubic hair not braided? KOCHANSKI: You *braid* it? CAT: Only three months a year. KOCHANSKI: I'm afraid to ask what you do the other nine. CAT: Whatever's in fashion. (KOCHANSKI looks disgusted) LISTER: Okay, guys, enough. Look, Kris has got a point. We were too slow. if that were a real threat we'ed be space-junk by now. KOCHANSKI: We're not even improving. I've looked at our logs and we going slower now than we ever have. We move about as fast as Volvo in first gear. KRYTEN: I fear. ma'am that we are in a false sense of security. It has been a while since we've encountered any real danger. KOCHANSKI: What about the gelatenous blob that almost swallowed Dave, just three days ago. LISTER: That wasn't dangerous, really more like psuedo-danger. KOCHANSKI: Psuedo-danger? Being eaten by a giant bowl of jelly, how is that not dangerous? LISTER: I had a spoon on me, I could've eaten me way out. (Scene: Starbug flying close to a solar system) (Scene: Starbug Mid-section; KOCHANSKI and LISTER are seated, KRYTEN busies himself with general cleaning in that area) KOCHANSKI: Dave we're just to complaicent. LISTER: Hhmmm KOCHANSKI: You live this like it's everyday and you can just get up and leave for home and bed anytime you want, but it's not. Back in my dimension we still had Red Dwarf, we still had hope. At the moment we're running around blindly hoping for any sign of it. And in the meantime we almost get killed in a variety of gruesome ways. LISTER: Hhmmmm (Appears to agree) KOCHANSKI: It's just you seem to take this all in stride, take it too easily. We've got to be more careful, got to be on guard and alert. Dave? Look all I want is for us to be a *little* bit more prepared, okay. LISTER: Hhmmmmm. (Nods a few times) KOCHANSKI: Dave? Are you listening to me? LISTER: Oh yeah.. KOCHANSKI: Come on Dave, let's go for a shower together. (KRYTEN, who seemingly was half ignoring them now stops and pays attention, he seems horrified at this notion) LISTER: Ok, yeah, great idea. KOCHANSKI: You're listeneng to music? Aren't you? (Pulls a small bud headphone out of one of his ears) LISTER: What? Did you want something? (KOCHANSKI grumbles, she is annoyed that she just beared her innermost and Dave was ignoring her she slaps LISTER, exit KOCHANSKI) LISTER: Hey! What's wrong with her? KRYTEN: I don't know, sir. She's probably space-crazy. (Scene: Starbug flying past the first planet of the new solar-system) (Scene: LISTER's quarters. It is dark and he is in bed, asleep) LISTER: (mumbles) Oh...Kris.. (The Klaxxon sounds, immediately waking him up) LISTER: Smeg! (LISTER runs about making sure he has pants on and runs out of the room, there is a pause and he runss back in and grabs a handy-dandy metal baseball bat and runs out) (Scene: Starbug cockpit. CAT is dressed respectably, KOCHANSKI is still in her sleepwear. KRYTEN is as normal the red alert flashes) KOCHANSKI: Okay this is our best yet. (Enter LISTER, looking sleepy and annoyed) LISTER: This is a drill, isn't it? KOCHANSKI: Yes, but... LISTER: I need me kip, Kris. I need me kip more than I need me curry or (without thinking) me polyethelene pal, Ingrid. KRYTEN: Wasn't that Mister Rimmer's sir? LISTER: Yeah, I'm just keeping her warm for him. (KOCHANSKI looks disgusted, LISTER remembering why he came here for wields his bat in a nasty way and whacks the 'Bugs dash, the Klaxxon dies. He then breaks the Red alert sign) KOCHANSKI: Dave! Are you mad? LISTER: No, I'm tired. And I'm going to bed. KOCHANSKI: Dave...forget it, we'll adress this in the morning. (smiles) Unless of course, you and Ingrid want to be alone. (LISTER recalls what he just said) LISTER: Kris! forget it. (Shambles away) KOCHANSKI: (Calls after LISTER) Dave... CAT: And I thought I've said some dumb things. KRYTEN: Ma'am a little consideration is necessary, we haven't been in contact with any real women for a long time, Mister Lister needs to adjust. You should spend some time with him, begin to understand him. CAT: Polygon-head is right, B-B, for example, before you came along he used to just dump his dirty clothes anywhere, the whole ship smelt like a bingo hall on beans night! KRYTEN: Oh the memories... (smiles) KOCHANSKI: You mean he's changed..for me. KRYTEN: Yes ma'am. Disgusting. If it weren't for you we'ed have our old Mr.Lister back, just throwing his longjohns anywhere. CAT: I never thanked you for that one, B-B! KOCHANSKI: I never realised.... (Scene: Starbug whizzing past the next planet) (Scene: LISTER's quarters, he is laying on his bed idly trying to pass the time, enter CAT, who seems over excited) CAT: Hey bud! What's up? Your face looks longer than a waiting list for nude ladies mud-wrestling. LISTER: Forget it, Cat. You wouldn't understand. CAT: Okay! Oh yeah, I nearly forgot, I'm picking up a familiar scent on my nosar. LISTER: (As if he hadn't heard CAT) She doesn't understand, she keeps comparing me to (mimics) "My Dave" CAT: Hey, bud! are you even listening to me? I'm trying to tell you my nose hairs are vibrating so fast, If I sneeze I break the speed of sound! LISTER: (Still, as if he hadn't heard CAT) I'm *NOT* (Mimics) "My Dave". why can't she see that. I'm me. I'm no great hologrammatic hero. CAT: That's great and all, but I get the feeling that you haven't heard a word I've been saying. (Knock at the door, it slides open and reveals KOCHANSKI) KOCHANSKI: Can I come in? LISTER: If you must. CAT: Hello? Am I invisible? I'm *trying* to alert you to the fact that I'm smelling something stranger that Lister's day-glo orange moonboots. KOCHANSKI: Cat, can you give us some time alone? CAT: Right, Officer B-B, but I wouldn't bother, he won't even listen to me about my nasal activity. What chance have you got? KOCHANSKI: Please? CAT: Catch ya' bud 'n' buddette. (CAT slinks out, unphased that he has acclompished diddly-squat) KOCHANSKI: Dave, look, it seems as if we got off on the wrong foot. LISTER: More like the wrong mile. KOCHANSKI: Come on, Dave , your not that differant to *my Dave*. LISTER: Ugh! There you go again with the comparison! I'm not your Dave, I'll never be your Dave. I don't even *want* to be your Dave. KOCHANSKI: I didn't mean, come on, Dave, I'm really trying here. LISTER: Sorry, Kris, it's jus that all me life I've been me own man and done exactly what I wanted and no-one but no-one criticised me. Well, once my principal failed me in french. KOCHANSKI: What happened? LISTER: My grandmother 'nutted hin on the head. KOCHANSKI: Did you pass French, then? LISTER: Nah, but the Principal got called 'Old Denty' for the next five years. KOCHANSKI: (Laughs) Come on Dave, we've got to get along, it'll hell for both of us if we don't. What about dinner? LISTER: It's too early for dinner. KOCHANSKI: *Not now* Tonight. LISTER: What about Kryten? KOCHANSKI: It was his idea. LISTER: You serious? He wanted us to do this? KOCHANSKI: Yeh... LISTER: What? like a date? KOCHANSKI: Erm, yes.. LISTER: Really? you really mean that, Kris? KOCHANSKI: Yes? LISTER: Brutal! I wont let ya' down, Kris. I'm gonna show you that not only am I twice the man *your Dave* was but that I could kick his hologrammitic butt at *anything* KOCHANSKI: Oh god, what have I begun? (Scene: Starbug flies past the next planet, it's purple if you're wondering) (Scene: A StarBug corridor, KOCHANSKI walks a lazy pace and is humming brightly, she passes KRYTEN) KRYTEN: Ma'am? You seem increadibly happy for a woman who just ran out of glitter mascara. (KOCHANSKI pauses, turns back to KRYTEN and smiles sweetly) KOCHANSKI: You were right, Kryten. KRYTEN: I was ma'am? KOCHANSKI: Yes. About Dave, all I needed to do is spend some time with him in a civilized adult fashion. KRYTEN: Hopefully not *too* adult, ma'am. KOCHANSKI: (Ignores the nuerotic droid) Infact we're going to have dinner seperately from the Cat tonight, and we'ed like a little privicy. KRYTEN: Privacy, ma'am? KOCHANSKI: Yeah, no interruptions or anything, Dave's really making an effort, so I am, too. KRYTEN: So it'll be just you and him? KOCHANSKI: Yes. KRYTEN: Together? KOCHANSKI: Yes. KRYTEN: Alone? KOCHANSKI: Yes... KRYTEN: Like a.......(small voice) date? KOCHANSKI: Something like that, yes. (KRYETN looks horrified) KRYTEN: Excuse me. ma'am. (KRYTEN runs off, looking worried, KOCHANSKI shakes her head, and continues on her merry way) (Scene: Starbug approaches the fourth planet of the new solar system) (Scene: LISTER's quarters, he is busy selecting something to wear, enter KRYTEN who is running at a fast pace, looking paranoid) KRYTEN: SIR! SIR! TELL ME IT ISN'T SO! LISTER: Calm down Kryters! KRYTEN: OH SIR! IT'S MISS KOCHANSKI! SHE'S DELUSIONAL! SHE WANTS TO EAT PRIVATELY WITH YOU! JUST LIKE A.....LIKE A.....LIKE A...... LISTER: Date? KRYTEN: *YES!* LISTER: It's true, man, she wants to get to know me better. She said it was your idea! KRYTEN: Perposterous! Sir! Even if I do say so myself, and I do! LISTER: Hang on, what did you say then. KRYTEN: I merely said it could be beneficial to morale, sir, especially yours if she helped with her integration into the crew. LISTER: Yeh? And this is her way to do it, Krytes! If she wants to go out on a date to get to know me, then I guess _in the intrest of ship morale_ I have to! KRYTEN: Sir! You know how much the idea of you two alone scares me! Do you to send my worry and paranoia chips into crisis overload? LISTER: Don't worry man, we're just friends, hey? And you and me, well, we're *compadres*, we're *amigoes*. We're a................... a man and his droid! KRYTEN: Really, sir? LISTER: Really, now you gotta promise me one thing, no more antics like you did last week when we crawled through all those ducts, okay? KRYTEN: I....I'll try, sir. LISTER: Promise.... KRYTEN: Oh........*OKAY* sir, but you can't touch her! Not at all! I tell you it'll be the beginning of the end. Not even a handshake. For me? LISTER: (sighs heavily) Okay Krytes, I'll keep me distance if you'll keep your heads, all four of them. KRYTEN: Thankyou sir, now if you excuse me, I have meals to prepare. (KRYTEN waddles off to preform the aforementioneed duties, LISTER goes back to selecting clothes. He picks out all his least smeggy things and smiles) LISTER: Heyyyyyyyy.....good looking. CAT: (VO) Hey! (Hearing a psudeonym for his name, CAT enters) CAT: Hey there bud, what you doing? LISTER: I'm picking me duds for tonight. CAT: You've left it a bit late, we should've started a month ago. LISTER: Why? CAT: With a month, even you could begin to look slightly normal. LISTER: Thanks for nothing, Cat. I happen to think I look rather fetching. CAT: Festering...yes...fetching? I wouldn't go *that far* LISTER: (points to the door) OUT! (CAT leaves) (Scene: Starbug passes the fourth planet and heads towards the next, which looks rather earth like) (Scene: StarBug Cockpit, CAT, KRYTEN and LISTER in normal positions, LISTER is looking dressed up - well for LISTER) LISTER: This one, here. (LISTER poitns out at the nice earth-like planet) CAT: There's something about that planet, bud... LISTER: I want a nice veiw for our date, Cat, and this one reminds me of Earth. KRYTEN: Pulling her into orbit now, sir Scanning the planet, hm! that's odd, it's and S3. CAT: S3? Isn't that the name of an interstate highway? LISTER: No, you gimboid, it means it has similar properties to Earth. CAT: Properties? So it has hotels and bars? LISTER: No, Cat, S3 means that the planet can sustain human life. CAT: I'm not surprised, with Hotels and Bars, what kind of life did it expect to sustain? LISTER: There are NO hotels and bars down there! CAT: So what do the humans do? LISTER: Forget it, Cat. Kryten, any other readings? Lifesigns? KRYTEN: I've done two scans sir, one for life and one for intellegent life. The planet is indeed populated, but it appears it's full of creatures with intellegences rating no higher that a lawn bowls tournament versus a bikini contest. LISTER: So it's a planet full of cretinous smegheads? KRYTEN: Put shortly, sir, yes. CAT: But aren't we lightyears from Rimmerworld? LISTER: Forget it, it's a nice view, reminds me of home. CAT: Funny, I get the same feeling when I look as carboard boxes. KRYTEN: Suggest I send a probe, sir? CAT: I'm getting a bad nostril flare about this. LISTER: Cat reackons' he's got something. Well go down after dinner. (Scene: StarBug orbits the Earth-like planet) (Scene: KOCHANSKI's quarters, she is doing the finishing touches on her make up, enter KRYTEN, who watches amazed) KOCHANSKI: What are you looking at you demented excuse for a microphish!? KRYTEN: I don't mean to pry, ma'am but I'm wondering why you are spending so much time applying your make-up. KOCHANSKI: I want to look special, Dave's making an effort and so am I. KRYTEN: It's just that usually you don't care that we have to look at your noirmal, drab face. KOCHANSKI: (Sighs) You really need to be reformatted, you know that? Look it just excentuates my face a bit. You know with a head like yours, you could probably use some make-up (laughs). KRYTEN: (Intriuged) So ma'am you say that by applying make-up enhances your head making it more attractive-looking? KOCHANSKI: Yeah, something like that. KRYTEN: (Looks like he has a bad idea) Interesting, interesting...Excuse me ma'am. (KRYTEN exits, KOCHANSKI finishes up) KOCHANSKI: Perfect. Now remember, have patience. He's just one man. (KOCHANSKI thinks about this) KOCHANSKI: (Sighs, defeated) He's Dave Lister, he's not a man, he's a nightmare. (Scene: Starbug orbits the inhabited planet) (Scene: Starbug, Mid-section; LISTER is seated at one end of the table and KOCHANSKI at the other, the each nurse a drink) KOCHANSKI: You don't have to sit all the way down there, you know. LISTER: It's probably best, we're having garlic chicken. You know what I'm like with garlic. KOCHANSKI: You mean how you break every rule set by the EPA everytime you breath out? (Enter KRYTEN who pushes a trolley, he has his head bowed low, as if to nonchalantly hide something, he places a plate in front of KOCHANSKI) KOCHANSKI: (Without looking) Thanks. (KRYTEN pushes the cart up to LISTER and places a plate infront of him) KRYTEN: Who has the prettier head now, sir? (LISTER Looks up to KRYTEN, he shakes his head in disbelief, KRYTEN wears full make-up!, his outrageous shaped head is now beautifully done out in full make-up!) LISTER: Kryten? You quite sure you sanity chip is wired in? (KOCHANSKI can't see KRYTEN and looks rightly confused) KOCHANSKI: Dave? KRYTEN: It was miss Kochanski's idea, sir! She said it would make my head more attractive. LISTER: How many times did I tell you, your head is _fine_. Now go wash that stuff off! KRYTEN: So I do have an attractive head. LISTER: Yeh, and it will be better off without the make-up! (KRYTEN turns to and exits, KOCHANSKI is speachless and stunned) LISTER: Your idea, Kris? KOCHANSKI: It was a joke! LISTER: He looks like a bad actor from Rocky Horror! (KOCHANSKI gets up and moves and sits next to LISTER) KOCHANSKI: I didn't think he was so touchy. LISTER: Forget him, Kryten'll be fine. He's just worried that you'll steal me away from him or something. KOCHANSKI: Rest easy then, Dave. I wouldn't steal you if you had a sign on you saying 'please steal'. LISTER: Thanks, Kris. KOCHANSKI: (Puts her hand on LISTER's shoulder. At this piont the washed-up KRYTEN returns, his mouth is aghast) Friends? (LISTER puts his hand hand on hers) LISTER: Friends. KRYTEN: (To himself) Well! (To LISTER) Amigoes! Compadres! Man and his Driod! you promised me! LISTER: Oh smeg. KOCHANSKI: Dave? KRYTEN: How could you sir!? LISTER: We were only...only...bein' nice. KOCHANSKI: Kryten, you've got it all wrong. KRYTEN: I think I know *exactly* what I do have! And that's nothing. Mister Lister, I trusted you! (KRYTEN is heart-broken and stomps off) LISTER: Oh smeg. KOCHANSKI: What's going on? LISTER: Well to make sure that he didn't go as troppo as a pineapple festival on Hawaii, I promised that I wouldn't touch you at all. KOCHANSKI: That's re-asssuring. LISTER: But just then, he thinks.... KOCHANSKI: Oh, I see. (Scene: The interior of StarBug shakes slightly) LISTER: What the smeg was that? (Enter CAT who seems upset) CAT: There I was, just putting the second coat of nail polish on and wham! KOCHANSKI: Cat? What happened? CAT: Well, I smeared my toe. KOCHANSKI: Not to your foot, you stupid reject house pet! To StarBug! CAT: Tin can's lost his ball bearings! He just took over and now he's gonna land us on that planet. KOCHANSKI: Planet? LISTER: Yeah, I was going to show you later, we're orbiting and S3 at the moment, it beautiful. KOCHANSKI: You didn't tell me we were orbiting an S3! LISTER: You were in the bathroom! KOCHANSKI: That's not the point. LISTER: You would of killed me if I came in and told you! KOCHANSKI: That's not the point. LISTER: You couldn't hear me over your tone-deaf singing. KOCHANSKI: That's not the point! CAT: What _is_ the point? KOCHANSKI: Tone deaf? (Scene: StarBug descends through the S3 planet's atmosphere, the what we can see are buildings and general 21st + century habitation. It, very much indeed looks like Earth) (Scene: Cockpit, KRYTEN is steering the Bug) KRYTEN: Of all the things to lie about! I just can't take it any more, my Neg-A-Drive is looking worse than the view of a Scot on a windy day. (There is thumping on the door, it is locked) LISTER: (VO) KRYTEN, MAN LET ME IN, I CAN EXPLAIN. KRYTEN: THERE'S NOTHING TO EXPALIN, SIR. KOCHANSKI: (VO) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? KRYTEN: IT'S OBVIUOS YOU DON'T NEED ME! I'M LEAVING. LISTER: (VO) KRYTEN, NO! CAT: (VO) YOU CAN'T LEAVE, FLAT-TOP! WHO'S GOING TO HELP ME SHINE MY MIRRORED PLATFORMS? LISTER: (VO) You're not helping, Cat. CAT: (VO) But I need my shoes shiny! LISTER: (VO) I'll give you a shiner in a minute! CAT:: (VO) Bud, we gotta stop him, I warned you about this planet, it smells about as promising as a Van Damme movie! LISTER: (VO) KRYTEN, YOU'VE GOT TO RE-CONSIDER, MAN! KRYTEN: IT'S TOO LATE, I KNOW NOW WHAT I AM TO YOU, NOTHING BUT A CHAPERONE FOR YOUR DATES! KOCHANSKI: (VO) KRYTEN, PLEASE! KRYTEN: TOO LATE (Scene: StarBug hits ground, it lands in a clearing in a small forest) (Scene: KRYTEN, steels himself and opens the cockpit door, he walks past them all, without speaking and openns the hatch) LISTER: Krytes, man, please... KRYTEN: Sir, I'm appaled that I ever emulated you! KOCHANSKI: At least let us explain.. KRYTEN: I know what I saw. LISTER: But you don't know what's out there! KRYTEN: I'll just take that chance! (Exit KRYTEN) LISTER: I've got to follow him! KOCHANSKI: Let him go, Dave, he's got to cool off first, if you push him now, he'll never come back. CAT: And if he never comes back, I'll personally blame you for my dull-looking mirrored shoes! LISTER: Cat? one more word about your mirrored shoes and the only view you'll see is your own rectum. (Scene: The landed StarBug, it appears to have landed in a small clearing near a forest that has a path to what we must assume is a city the three descend and stand infront of StarBug) KOCHANSKI: I don't believe this, all this trouble over one date. LISTER: And it wasn't even a real date! KOCHANSKI: Keep talking like that and the only part of me you'll see again is my fist. CAT: So what do we do? (A newcomer arrives, he is dressed in a very suave manner, in fact it is almost as smooth as our very own CAT) CAT: Who are you? You smell funny! NEWCOMER: I was going to say the same thing about your friends, man you better hide them. CAT: Hide them? For what? NEWCOMER: For their crimes! KOCHANSKI + : Crimes? LISTER NEWCOMER: Look at they way you are dressed, man! It's a crime against fashion! CAT: You can say that again! NEWCOMER: Okay! It's a crime against fashion! (Smiles warmly, both LISTER and KOCHANSKI notice that this newcomer is a cat person!) LISTER: You're a cat! NEWCOMER: The name's Dusty, come on, man we better get your pals into some real duds before the fashion police come by. CAT: Fashion police? this is my kind of place! (DUSTY walks off and beckons the three to follow, they walk down a path) KOCHANSKI: (To LISTER) What is this place? LISTER: I don't smegging beleive it. KOCHANSKI: What? LISTER: I think we've found the Ark of the Catvent. KOCHANSKI: What? LISTER: A world full of Cat people, populated by the second ark that left Red Dwarf. The first one crashed, but the second one flew onwards, this must be where it landed. CAT: You mean this is a world full of people like me? LISTER: You mean self-serving, lazy, attention-seekers? CAT: Isn't that what I just asked? LISTER: Then yes. A world of Cat people. Smeg. KOCHANSKI: I thought one was too much but a whole world full? CAT: It's going to be great! (KOCHANSKI and LISTER look at eachother) KOCHANSKI + : Oh smeg. LISTER Roll credits and music... /----------------------------------------------------------------------------\ | To Be Continued..... | \----------------------------------------------------------------------------/