Red Dwarf VII
" The Old and the New " by James Naylor

( Starbug rushes past a large planet. )
( Inside the large mid-section, the crew sit, eating breakfast. Kryten, stands, cooking it. )
Kryten: Are we all enjoying the breakfast?
Lister: Yeah. It's really good. Well done, Krytes.
Kryten: Good. I've just loaded a new Cookery programme onto my hard drive. This is the first meal, I've tested it out on.
Cat: This was on a some software? What was it, Blind Communications?
Kryten: I take it you didn't appreciate it, Mr Cat?
Cat: Hey, if ain't cooked by me, it ain't good.
Kochanski: I liked it. Thank you, Kryten.
Kryten: See, Mr Cat, Sir, some people liked it, even if their own attempts at cooking has resulted in the near-destruction of the ship.
Kochanski: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Kryten: Why? To ashamed?
Lister: Kryten, have you detected any malfunctions lately?
Kryten: I didn't realise I was Starbug's nanny, Sir.
Lister: I did ask you, ten weeks ago.
Kryten: Really? I'll do it right now. ( He Leaves.)
Cat: Why the hell can't angleberry head ever remember anything?
Lister: I suppose it's because of his corrupted files.
Cat: Corrupted? Man, if he were a car I would drive him over a cliff!
Kochanski: You would too. 
Cat: Course I would. Needless destruction of others. It's my speciality.

(At the Cockpit. Kryten enters. )
Lister: Hey, Krytes. Did you find any malfunctions?
Kryten: Yes, if you count the Waste Disposal operator.
Lister: Can you get it fixed sometime? We need the Bug to be in fine order.
Kryten: I'll get on to it right away, Mr Lister, Sir. (He leaves.)
Kochanski: You seem to be in some sort of a spring clean mood, Dave.
Lister: No, I'm not.
Cat: You are, Bud. You're not turning into a woman, are you?
(Kochanski reacts with a hand gesture at Cat.)
Lister: We need the Bug at a maximum working order. This was the model that was redrawn because of major design flaws. If we don't act soon this crate is gonna go very crap, very soon.
Cat: What do you mean, "gonna"?
Lister: Eh, I have faith for it. Not a lot...not much at all...well, that's not the point.
Kochanski: You've lost the argument.
Lister: Really? God, you're brain moves faster than Rimmer's mum.
Kochanski: Why, was she an athlete.
Lister: You could say that...
(In the mid-section, Kryten is working on the mains of the Waste Disposal. He leaves it for a second. It starts fussing, with blue electricity sparking everywhere. He returns and it stops. He works again, singing. )
Kryten: " Come down to Titan bay with me, my darling droid. And we shall make bar codes in the sand. We shall live on for seventy years, until our lives expire ".
(He leaves again. Same sparks. He returns and then sticks his arm in the socket. The sparks engulf him. He is covered in blue electricity. )
Kryten: (yelling) Sirs! Ma'am! I don't mean to bother you, but would you mind coming here and helping me? I wouldn't mind but my arm is going to blow up. No rush.

(Starbug Cockpit. The crew hear the sparking. )
Cat: What the Hell is that?
Kryten: ( off, but very loud ) My hard drive has burned out, I'm afraid. It looks like you'll be cooking tonight!
Kochanski: Kryten? 
Kryten: For the Silicon God's sake help me, you bloody humanoid smeggers!!!!
Lister: Kryten!! ( They rush out, very fast. )

( They find Kryten. The last of the electricity rushes in him, but with such force, his head blasts off his body and lands on the floor, upright. His body collapses. His disembodied head then speaks: )
Kryten's Head: Oh my! That was pretty bad! I couldn't believe that! Who made this ship? Some blind out of work cockney electricition? I can't believe it. I simply cannot be... ( suddenly his head blows up, leaving bits of head everywhere. )
Kochanski: Oh my God!
Lister: We need help. Krissie can you get a spare head please? ( She exits )
Cat: What happened?
Lister: The electricity obviously blew his head. There are Hologramatic Help Services on the 4000 Series, but I have no idea how to activate it!
Cat: I'll look out for a button. ( He crouches down, feeling over Kryten's body for a body. Failing, he stands up and shrugs. )
Lister: Maybe...( suddenly he kicks Kryten's body, very hard. His CPU lights up and a form appears next to it. It is the Kryten before the accident. )
Lister: Kryten?
Original Kryten: I am the Hologramatic Help Service. How may I help you?
Lister: It's you! You before the accident!
Original: Mr...Mr David, Sir? Mr Cat, Sir?
Cat: Hi, Buddy!
Lister: How come it's you? You, you?
Original: Obviously, when you rebuilt me, you failed to redesign my hologramatic form. ( He looks down at the mess that is Kryten ). My, my! Is that me?
Lister: That's the problem. He's blown up. I think it's serious.
Original: It certainly looks it. ( Kochanski enters ).
Lister: Ah, Kryten. Allow me to introduce Navigational Officer Kristine Kochanski.
Krissie, this is the HHS in the form of what Kryten used to look like.
Cat: As you can see, good looks are seldom around with him.
Original: Ha! Ha! Very amusing joke, Sir. Very witty.
Lister: I see you haven't lost your factory settings.
Original: Certainly not!
Lister: Great...
( The Original Kryten sees the spare head, held by Kochanski. )
Original: I'm afraid, you cannot just presume sticking a spare head on will sort everything out. We must take him to your Medi-Bay.

( The Medi-Bay. The crew stumble in, carrying Kryten's body. They place him on the Medi-Bench. )
Original: First, we must check the Hard Drive. It isn't as bad as it looks, you know.
Cat: Hey, Sandpapered Eraser Head, how come you are here in the first place?
Original: I was turned on by Mr David.
Kochanski: I wasn't...
Cat: In the first place?
Original: When a mechanoid has an accident, his owners may activate me, an HHS, to help fix it and provide any other service. I can be projected for up to 5 miles.
( As he has been talking, he has been fixing Kryten. He is up to the stage where he places on the Spare Head and reboots Kryten. The mechanoid beeps and opens his eyes. )
Kryten: Oh, my...my lord, HHS? I thank you.

( The habitation area. Kryten and his predecessor stand. )
Kryten: I thank you again, HHS.
Original: My pleasure.
Kryten: Central Computer - turn off the HHS programme. ( Tho Original stays in the same place. )
Kryten: You haven't gone.
Original: Indeed. I kept the projector on-line.
Kryten: May I ask why?
Original: You may not.
Kryten: Working against an actual mechanoid can result in termination, you know. You're hologramatic files must have corrupted.
Original: Certainly not. By Space Corps Directive 234445/8765 T, any hologramatic droid outranks a real one which has its files corrupted. I am reliving you of your duties,  Mr Kryten.
Kryten: Damn those Directives to Silicon Hell and back.
Original: Indeed.

( In the Starbug cockpit, the crew sit at their stations. )
Lister: Come on Kryties, it's not the end of the world. At least you can have a break now.
Kryten: Pardon me for saying this, Sir, but I can't say I look forward to the type of breaks you have. What was it last time? Ah, yes. An AR simulation of  "Mad Joey Metcalf and the killer Skutter vixens of Sphixar IV, part 234". Very stimulating, I must say.
Kochanski: You can do other stuff.
Kryten: Like?
Cat: Like playing hide and seek with your head. 
Kryten: Yes, I can see the hours of fun that can lead to.
Kochanski: Well...you could watch Androids a lot more.
Kryten: I went off that ever since Brooke was replaced by Android 765893, you know, the one with the silly vocal malfunction. "Where's Brooke Junior?"  In the junor reluopak drtall moonie and the crothless panties. Ó Very weird stuff, Ma'am.
( The Original walks in. )
Original: Mr David, Mr Cat, Miss Kristine, Lunch is ready in the Mid-Section.
Kryten: What was that, you little turd?
Original: I have cooked the crew lunch, Kryten.
Kryten: Oh, really? Well, I suppose that you cook such an excellent meal, don't you?
Cat: What is it, bud? 
Original: Salmon A l'Orange and lime, Mr Cat, Sir.
Cat: Now we're cooking.
Kochanski: Sounds really nice.
Kryten: If you like you're food cooked by an extra for the crash dummy commercial. ( They leave for the meal. )

 ( The Ops room. Kryten sits, looking depressed. Lister Enters. )
Lister: Hey, Kryters.
Kryten: Enjoy your meal?
Lister: It was alright. What's up?
Kryten: I've been replaced by my own hologram. I feel so...so...so...pe'ed off!
Lister: Hey, why can't you reason with him. There's room for both of you.
Kryten: He's over rided my projection files. I can't turn him off. But what gets me is that he's right. He outranks me. I just find that so...so...so...tedious.
Lister: I'll talk to him. He has still got his factory settings...
Kryten: Clearly, but...
Lister: He is programmed to obey humans. If I tell him to fix the projector on your CPU, then he will have to fix it.
Kryten: It's worth a try, Sir.

( In the Mid-Section, the Original is holding up a mirror for the Cat to preen himself in. Kochanski looks on in disgust. )
Cat: Hey, I'm looking good!
Original: You certainly are, Mr Cat, Sir.
Kochanski: Isn't that mirror heavy, Kryten?
Original: Yes, but to hell with my personal discomfort.
Cat: Yes, Sir. I am looking good. I am looking very good. In fact, I... ( Kryten enters ) Buddy! Come and sit down. ( He does. )
Kryten: ( To the Original. ) Holding the mirror for Mr Cat then?
Original: Indeed, Mr Kryten. Jealous?
Kryten: Me? Jealous? Not in million years...or three for that matter...Er, Mr Kryten, are you sure the mirror is not to heavy for you?
Original: I'm fine, Mr Kryten, thank you.
Kochanski: Hey, Kryten...
Kryten and Original: Yes?
Kochanski: Could I have a coffee, please?
Kryten and Original: Yes! ( They both go for the cupboard. Then they stop. ).
Kryten: I believe she meant me...
Original: No, Mr Kryten, Sir, she did meam me...
Kochanski: Any, please. You go, you, the hologram one...
Original: Permission to look smug, Ma'am?
Kochanski: If you have to.
Original: Installing Smug Software from the projector. Software Installing...( a lot of sound effects.) Software Installed. ( He looks at Kryten, a smug grin on his face. )
Kochanski: Just do it. Please, Kryten?
Original: Certainly, Ma'am. ( He bows and heads for the Kitchen. )
Cat: I'll have some Krispies, Bud.
Original: Certainly, Sir. ( He picks out the various foods and makes the coffee. )
Kryten: Unbelievable...

( Mid-Section, Night. Lister is moping around, when he spots he Original sewing up some clothes. )
Lister: Hiya!
Original: Oh, Mr David! Please, sit down. ( Lister sits. )
Lister: So...hows things?
Original: Absolutely dandy, Mr David, Sir.
Lister: Don't you think you're being a bit hard on Kryten...you may be superior to him theoretically, but on this ship, there is no rank or any of that smeg. Treat him like anyone else. I mean, why did you corrupt his projectors in the first place?
Original: All I have wanted to do is serve, Mr David. I suppose, you'll order me to turn myself off now.
Lister: Talk to Kryten. There must be something you two can work out.
Original: I'll see what I can do.

( Starbug rushes past a planet. From the cockpit, we see the Cat and Kochanski at their stations. )
Kochanski: Watch out Cat, theres a derelict ship up ahead. The Psi-Scan shows there's life on it.
Cat: You sure? I don't to be the optimist but I don't think I'd ever trust a woman with a Psi-Scan!
Kochanski: Re-checking, Tuna face. Oh...you're right. Sorry.
Cat: So what was it?
Kochanski: One of Dave's attempts at genetic engineering.
Cat: What was it this time?
Kochanski: Hyper-Intelligent sperm it seems. Oh my God! No wonder there's lifesigns! They're dancing the Samba!
Cat: Well I never. What the hell will he think of next? Reggae-loving cappilaries?

( The Ops room. The Original is doing some washing when Kryten enters. )
Kryten: Oh, my...er...Hello.
Original: Kryten...Hello. Mr David talked to me. He says we should start to, well, socialise.
Kryten: Socialise? With you? How?
Original: I thought a trip to the AR suite, to visit the virtual gardens of Eden VIII.
Kryten: You know the access code for that? I spent ten hours trying to get in to it.
Original: You forget, Mr Kryten, I am a Hologram...I fit in perfectly in there as part of the software. I can find out the access code there. 
Kryten: When do you intend to go?
Original: Right away...coming?
Kryten: I wouldn't miss it for the world or, indeed, games night.

( The AR suite. The helmets are placed on Kryten and the Original's heads. They arrive at: )
( A beautiful garden with a gorgeous pink sky. )
Kryten: It's beautiful...
Original: I have longed for the access into this program. It's been well worth the wait.
Kryten: It really is lovely...
Original: All we need now is a picnic.
Kryten:  picnic. Now? On Eden VIII, the loveliest planet in the Universe and you want a picnic?
Original: I was just saying...
Kryten: Well, I cannot believe. A picnic. You honestly want a pic.. ( His head explodes, yet again and the Original looks on in sheer disbelief. )

( The Medi-Bay. The Crew face the body of Kryten. )
Cat: What happened, bro?
Original: He got very stressed by the fact that I wanted a picnic. Can you believe his short fuse?
Lister: Krissie, can you get Kryten a spare head?  ( She exits. Lister faces the Original.) I think you had better fix the projector. ( The Original bows his head down. )

( The Cockpit. Lister, the Cat and Kochanski are at their posts. )
Cat: Do you think Chewed Condom face will fix the projector?
Kochanski: I think he's learned his lesson.
Cat: There was a lesson? I must keep with what's going on, man.
Lister: It's such a shame that we liked having a loyal android. I mean Kryters is our friend. We weren't very...well...nice to him afterwards.
Cat: I was.
Kochanski: So was I!
Lister: Yeah, well that's not the point. Hey Cat. Do you remember Queeg?
Cat: Do I. What a bitch! "You have run out of credits!"  What about him?
Lister: Well, we didn't stick up for a friend there.
Cat: But it was a joke!
Lister: So? It's still wrong.

( The Medi-Bay. The Original pick up the spare head. It's Spare Head 3. )
Spare Head 3: Hey! Theres not a hells chance of getting me on that damned robocrap! Me RAM chip may be shot to buggery, but I know my rights, you Hologrmatic ponce. You bald rubber git! I've got droid rot!
( The Original smashes the spare head across the Medi-Bench and lifts him up again. He speaks like Kryten again ) Oh yes, that's good. Oh that's first class!

( The Cockpit. Lister is gently flying the ship, when Kryten enters. )
Kryten: Hello, Mr Lister.
Lister: Krytie. How are you feeling?
Kryten: Superb. The HHS is a great surgeon.
Lister: But has he fixed your projector?
Kryten: He has. He also has made some adjustments to it as well.
Lister: Why? What adjustments?
Kryten: I told him to create the projector project for over 5 miles - 7,000 in fact. I'm letting him leave. He'll leave in an escape pod later.
Lister: Well...where's he going?
Kryten: Eden VII. He's always dreamed of going there.
Lister: But he's you. Why don't you go with him.
Kryten: I'm happy enough here serving you, Sir.
Lister: That's a very freaky response, Krytie.
Kryten: Well as they say, Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
Lister: Yeah, but on the other side of the coin - Be a slob, grow a big nob.
Kryten: No, Sir, its Be a Slob - And don't get a job.
Lister: I was close. 
Kryten: Only if you were going into prostitution, Sir.

( Starbug landing bay. The crew stand with the Original, in front of a large survival pod. )
Kochanski: ( to the Original ) Are you sure you want to do this?
Original: Certainly, Miss Kristine.
Kochanski: Well, bye then!
Original: See you, Ma'am.
Cat: Hey, bye Bud!
Original: Goodbye Mr Cat, Sir.
Lister: Hey, it's been great seeing you.
Original: TTFN, Mr David, Sir.
( He walks up to Kryten and bearhugs him. )
Original: Goodbye, Kryten. Sorry, I was such a smeeeee heee!
Kryten: Good luck.

( We see the pod emerging from Starbug, and shoot off. Starbug flies in the opposite direction. )
( Cockpit. The crew are at their stations. )
Kryten: Wow, what an experience!
Kochanski: You handled it very well.
Kryten: Marvellous!
Lister: Well, come on then Krissie... ( Lister and Kochanski get up and leave. Kryten stops them. )
Kryten: Where are you going?
Lister: To finish the job you started!
Kryten: What, alone? Together? Alone? Togeth...

( Blackout. We hear the sound of Kryten's head exploding. Run Credits. )




Lister..........Craig Charles
Cat.........Danny John-Joules
Kryten..........Robert Llwellyn
Kochanski..........Chloe Annett
Original Kryten..........David Ross