This piece of fiction is set upon those characters made infamous through the Television program 'Red Dwarf'. Any infringments upon copyright etc are apologised here. Further more, this 'episode' takes place sometime after 'Legion' but before 'Out Of Time'. It is also kind of necessary to have seen 'Quarantene'. Any errors, suggestions and death threats, please e-mail to taralys@hotmail.com But I digress.... Synopsis: The crew of the StarBug find out what happens when they enjoy too much of a good thing! /----------------------------------------------------------------------------\ | RED DWARF: "Luck Be A Lady" | \----------------------------------------------------------------------------/ By Taralys Sardon. (Scene: Starbug sleeping quarters, Dave LISTER is laying dejectedly on his bunk, KRYTEN is running a MediScan over his body, every so often he tuts) KRYTEN:(Tuts) Oh dear....oh dear, oh dear oh dear. LISTER: Krytes, man can you leave all that 'oh dear' stuff out? KRYTEN: Sorry sir, it's just...oh sir! (MediScan beeps spasmodically) LISTER: What is it, man? You can tell me? KRYTEN: It seems you've contracted a deadly disease! It's multiplying at an increadible rate! Oh Sir!..... LISTER: You what? KRYTEN: Please, sir, don't make this any harder than it is, I'm doing my best to identify it. Please, remove your shirt, Sir. So I can get a clearer scan. (LISTER obliges, throws shirt on the floor) KRYTEN: What? I don't understand... LISTER: What is it now? KRYTEN: It's gone.. (MediScan is quiet) LISTER: Gone? You mean my 'life-threatening' disease has just up and gone? KRYTEN: It appears so (KRTYEN drops arm to his side, MediScan is now poiting at shirt, it beeps) LISTER: Hang on a mo' Kryten, scan my shirt. KRYTEN: As you wish. (KRYTEN scans shirt, MediScan beeps like mad) LISTER: Brutal! KRYTEN: Sir! I am appaled, how long has it been since you let me wash that? LISTER: It's one of me old ones, I found it in the storage bay. KRYTEN: Sir, these curry stains are over 3 million years old! LISTER: I wondered why they tasted a little odd... KRYTEN: A little odd, sir? Is that like Gulliver talking to the 'slightly small' Liliputians? LISTER: Hey, I know 'im. Wasn't he the guy who discovered Australia? (KRYTEN huffs, picks up the shirt and leaves) (Scene: Starbug, Cockpit, CAT and RIMMER are in their usual positions) RIMMER: How long has it been since we encountered a space anomally? CAT: A what-what? RIMMER: A sp-ace an-nom-a-lly? CAT: A wh-at-wh-at? RIMMER: It's useless isn't it? CAT: What? (RIMMER sighs) RIMMER: When did you last see something...strange. CAT: This morning! RIMMER: Why wasn't I alerted? CAT: It was you! RIMMER: Listen closely you poor excuse for raodkill! When did you last see a 'Wibbly' thing or 'Swirly' thing? CAT: Last night! RIMMER: What? Why wasn't I alerted? CAT: Okay! I get the idea, next time I eat too much I'll call you so you can see my swirly thing. But I gotta warn you, bud. It's real ugly. It's almost as ugly as you! (RIMMER gives up his try at conversation and leaves CAT) (Scene: MediBay on StarBug. KRYTEN is examaning the MediScan, once again he is tutting. RIMMER walks in) RIMMER: What are you tutting about now, droid rot breath? KRYTEN: Sir, Mister Lister's medical scan from this morning, it seems I overlooked something. RIMMER: Is he going to die? (Smiles, evilly) KRYTEN: No sir. RIMMER: Smeg. KRYTEN: He has a case of negative Felecius Poupuli. RIMMER: Kryten, you're making as much sense as an Action movie starring Sylvester Stallone! KRYTEN: It seems Mister Lister has indulged too much in the 'Luck Virus', and as a consequence, his luck has to balance out. RIMMER: So he's goign to have a load of bad luck to even out all those lucky streaks? KRYTEN: Exactly sir. At least we no longer have to worry why he was always catching the big ones at the magnetic fishing game! RIMMER: You're a git, you know that? (RIMMER leaves, a skip in his step) KRYTEN: Well sir, you are a smee...a smee hee! (Scene: StarBug, Sleeping quarters. LISTER sits on the bottom bunk, lightly strumming his guitar, RIMMER walks in, whistling) LISTER: You seem happy for someone with that face. RIMMER: Oh Listy, Listy, Listy, you're not going to get me down today. LISTER: Why's that? Did Kryten repair Racheal, your inflateable friend at last? RIMMER: (Scowls) No, Lister (Brightens) Poor, poor Listy-poo. LISTER: (Suspicious) Poor me, what? RIMMER: Oh? You don't know? Oh goody, that means *I* get to tell you. LISTER: Tell me what? RIMMER: Are you sure you want to know? LISTER: Rimmer *tell me* RIMMER: Are you *sure*? LISTER: RIMMER! RIMMER: Okay, okay don't get you're dreds in a knot..yet. It seems you've had a bit too much of that luck virus, and as such all your luck has to balance out. It seems, laddio you're about to have a bit of bad luck. LISTER: How long? RIMMER: An hour, a day..it doesn't matter to me! (RIMMER leaves, smirking. LISTER puts his guitar aside and slides off the bunk he twists his ankle in doing so) LISTER: Smeg! Me ankle.. (Hobbles towards the door but trips and crashes into the wall beside the door) LISTER: Smeg! (Carefully opens the door and steps out. The door closes too quickly and traps his dreds) LISTER: Smeg! What's going on? (CAT passes by the corridor and sees LISTER, who is only dressed in a dirty t-shirt and boxers) CAT: Nice threds, bud (CAT slinks off, LISTER remembers he is only half dressed) (VIEW StarBug carooning through space) LISTER (VO): SMEG! SMEG! SMEG! (Scene: StarBug cockpit, KRYTEN, RIMMER and CAT are in there usual positions LISER enters, cautiously) RIMMER: (Smug) Oh Listy! So glad you could join us! have a nice morning! I hear we're all out of nice, clean water. Gee what a stroke of bad luck! CAT: Yeah and to make things worse, right after you took your re-cyc shower Tin Can back there realised we actually were'nt out of water at all! Talk about your bad luck! It's almost as bad as the time I wore Cargo! LISTER: Thanks, Cat (LISTER looks rightly dishevelled) KRYTEN: Oh, sorry Sir! I didn't mean to...Oh sir! How can...(blubbers) I'm still trying to forget this morning. RIMMER: Oh? Really? what happened? KRYTEN: (High-pitch) I used ketchup instead of Tobasco on Mister Lister's Rice Krispies! CAT: He was sick for hours! RIMMER: Goodo! Sit down Lister! Enjoy another day in StarBug! I know I am. (LISTER sits slowly, but rises immediately, he has sat on something yellowish) LISTER: Ayyy, it seems as if my bad luck's off! I found this Poppadom! KRYTEN: Ah sir... (LISTER ignores KRYTEN and munches hardily on the 'poppadom') LISTER: Ohh, Brutal! Still nice and crunchy. CAT: That's gross! You don't know how long that's been there! LISTER: Mmmm, I don't care, Cat. This is good, crucnchy poppadom! KRYTEN: Ah, Sir. I don't know how to break this to you. LISTER: What's that, Krytes? KRYTEN: That wasn't a poppadom...it was...Oh Sir! that was one of your missing hankercheifs from yesterdays wash! LISTER: You mean to say I just ate my own congealed nasal discharge? (LISTER looks pale, and rightly so) KRYTEN: Yes Sir. LISTER: Excuse me, I've got to go...got to... (LISTER dashes off, CAT looks sick) RIMMER: (Waves childishly) Bye-bye! Don't forget to compliment the chef! CAT: Oh man, I think I feel another 'Swirly' thing coming on. (CAT dashes off) (LISTER returns, he is sopping wet and bits of yellow slime drip off him, he slumps in his chair and groans, CAT returns looking sheepish) CAT: Ah, sorry bud. I guess I missed.... (RIMMER's grin widens) (Scene: StarBug flying thruogh space [a.k.a passing of time]) (Scene: StarBug sleeping quarters, LISTER lays dejectedly on his bed, lazily strumming his guitar, slowly but surely each of the strings snap loudly) LISTER: Oh, smeg. I can't beleive this, all me strings broke! (Puts guitar aside, enter RIMMER and CAT) RIMMER: Had a good day Listy? LISTER: Bog off, Rimmer, I'm not in the mood. RIMMER: (Notices guitar) What happened to your guitar? LISTER: What's it look like? (holds up the guitar with 5 broken strings) CAT: Finally some good luck! LISTER: Leave me alone, would you, I've had a smeg of a day. CAT: At least it can't get worse. RIMMER: Oh, I don't know about that. (LISTER graons and pretends to ignore RIMMER, enter KRYTEN with MEdiScan) KRYTEN: Mister Lister, Sir. I'd like to scan you to see how long this virus will last. LISTER: Yeah, okay. Just no bad news, okay. I don't think I could survive it. RIMMER: Nothing but the dirty facts, Kryten..that's an order. (RIMMER grins) KRYTEN: Now lay still and think happy thoughts.. (KRYTEN scans LISTER, MediScan beeps every so often) LISTER: Well? KRYTEN: Wonderful news sir! it seems you're on to a full recovery, in fact, your luck should be all balanced out by now! RIMMER: Oh darn. CAT: And we were having such fun. LISTER: Brutal! KRYTEN: Now if you'll excuse me I have a celebratory curry to make (KRYTEN turns and leaves, LISTER jumps out of bed, full of beans, no mishap at all...suddenly KRYTEN, remembering somethings dashes back in, the MediScan lands squarly in LISTER's groin. Obviously KRYTEN wasn't looking where he was going...LISTER falls to the floor like a sack of potatoes) RIMMER: Make a little mistake, Krytie? No worries, I'm sure Davie boy, here doesn't hold any grudges. (RIMMER slaps his knee and laughs, he turns and leaves, pauses a moment at the door to say:) RIMMER: (Sings) Luck be lady tonight....luck be a lady... (RIMMER skips off) LISTER: (Strains) I'm going to kill him (CAT helps LISTER up) KRYTEN: Oh Sir! I'm so sorry! LISTER: (Winded) Kryten, it's okay, it's the bad luck, not you. CAT: Look, bud, I'm sure this is tragic and all but look on the good side. LISTER: Good side? CAT: At least you don't have hair like goal-post head. (LISTER grins weakly, CAT stalks off) KRYTEN: Is there anything I can do for oyu sir? LISTER: No offence, man. But it's probably better you didn't KRYTEN: Understood. Oh sir, I almost forgot why I came back. It seems you've contracted space lice. I'm afraid I'm goign to have to cut your hair a bit to get rid of them. LISTER: More bad luck...how much? KRYTEN: Not much sir..please proceed to the MediBay. I'll be along shortly.. I mean..I'll get there in a jiff.. (LISTER leaves) KRYTEN: That was close, lie mode cancel...uh-hem: I'm sorry mister David sir, but I'm going to have to cut off most of your hair... (Scene: Starbug careening through space...you know what this means) LISTER:(VO) SMEG! KRYTEN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!? (Scene: StarBug MediBay; LISTER is in a seperate ante-room and is not visable) KRYTEN: I'm sorry, sir..how many times do I have to apologize!? LISTER: (VO) You've ruined me hair.... KRYTEN: Come now sir, it's not that bad. It's quite becoming. LISTER: (VO) Worse still, you've quarantened all me old clothes incase of lice and the only thing left in my size was Rimmer's old Space Core uniform! KRYTEN: Sir, need I remind you thousands of good men and women wear those everyday... LISTER:(VO) Maybe. but not me. not Dave Lister. KRYTEN: I think you look quite smart. (LISTER comes out of the ante-room, he has a distinctively 'Rimmer' haircut, his borrowed uniform (identical to the one Rimmer wears) only adds to the effect) LISTER: Come on, Kryten, I look like a bonehead git. KRYTEN: Well, you do look sort of like Mister Rimmer, sir. LISTER: Sort of? I most well be spouting 'Space Core Directives' and saying things like 'up-up the ziggaraut, lickety-split' KRYTEN: Please, sir, refrain from acting like mister Rimmer, it's quite scary. Try not to let this bad luck virus get you down. LISTER: I look like Rimmer! how much more down could I get? (LISTER shakes his head in defeat and walks out) (Scene: StarBug Cockpit, CAT and RIMMER are in place) (Enter KRYTEN, looking nervous) KRYTEN: Now sirs, remember what I said, don't make too much fun of Mister Lister's condition, he's very fragile at the moment - so please be kind. (KRYTEN seats himself at ops, or whereever it is he usually is, Enter LISTER still looking a bit too much like RIMMER) LISTER: I've got this unnatuaral urge to flare me nostrils..strange. RIMMER: Looking smart, Listy! (Grins insanely) (LISTER, ignores him and checks his seat then sits down at co-pilot) CAT: Wow! It's the bonehead twins! KRYTEN: Please. Mister Cat, sir. It's hard enough for Mister Lister as it is. LISTER: It's okay, Krytes. It can't get much worse. RIMMER: Oh yes it can, you remember that celebratory curry we were going to have tonight, the one you've been looking forward to *all* day? LISTER: What now? (groans) RIMMER: (To KRYTEN) Didn't you tell him? KRYTEN: I couldn't bear to break his little heart again. LISTER: (Stressed) Go-on. RIMMER: Allow me. It appaers space weevils have ate it! So in a delicious turn of culinary events our dinner meny has slightly changed. LISTER: How slightly, Rimmer? Stop playing games. RIMMER: Well, no curry. But something just as good. CAT: Fish? RIMMER: No.. CAT: Okay, what about fish? RIMMER: I already said no! CAT: I know but I thought you might of changed your mind. RIMMER: No, Cat, you gimboid. No, I took Lister into special consideration when I cooked this up. CAT: You cooked? We must be out of luck! KRYTEN: (To LISTER) Sorry sir, I was cutting your hair at the time... LISTER: Enough already what did you cook us? RIMMER: Something you're goign to yum up, Listy. Quiche! LISTER: You're kidding. KRYTEN: Is now the time to mention were all out of Chilli powder? CAT: Is now the time to mention how increadibly good looking I am? LISTER: (Can't beleive) Quiche? RIMMER: And peas! LISTER: I HATE Peas, Rimmer, you *know* that. RIMMER: Oh come on, Listy what better way to turn around your luck that with a good meal cooked by moi? KRYTEN: Hari Kari, sir? LISTER: I *HATE* PEAS! CAT: Come on bud, lighten up, it's not that bad, besides you know what they say about peas? LISTER: No.. CAT: Give peas a chance bud! (LISTER screams) (Scene StarBug cruising aimlessly through space) (Scene: StarBug mid section, the four are seated around a table, LISTER nurses a larger, it is unopened, he still looks like RIMMER) LISTER: What a day... KRYTEN: Sir, it's technically not over yet, by standared time it's only nine-thirty LISTER: Thanks, man. So how much longer will this bad luck last? RIMMER: Yes, how much longer will I be able to have fun? LISTER: Leave it out. (RIMMER hums 'luck be a lady') KRYTEN: Barring anymore errors on the virus, you should regain balance of your luck by nine am CAT: Wow, eleven and a half hours of bad luck to go bud! But it's not all doom and gloom, at least you've got me to look at! LISTER: You're all heart, you know that Cat? (LISTER opens his larger and swigs it, only to spit it out again) KRYTEN: Sir? LISTER: (gags) Ack! ack! It's...it's... KRYTEN: It's what sir? RIMMER: Deadly? LISTER: Warm! CAT: Not that I want to inturrupt this ever so exciting show of the unlucky monkey boy, I'd like to announce a nasal alert! RIMMER: Right, men to posts LISTER: Yes, sir...what? I can't beleive I just said that! (Shakes his head, the four rise and proceed to cockpit, taking up thier posistions) (Scene: StarBug cockpit, KRYTEN is working hard at ops) KRYTEN: It's Red Dwarf! LISTER: Really? RIMMER: No doubt about it clone of mine, It's the small rouge one. CAT: Home at last! Man! I gotta change my suit! Owww! (CAT leaves the pilot seat and twirls off to get changed, out of instinct LISTER takes over as pilot) KRYTEN: Are you sure that's wise, Sir? with your luck? RIMMER: And your 'ahem' skill? LISTER: Look, Krytes, obviously this bad luck is all out of steam, like a pair of newlyweds after two months, it just cant do it any more. If I was still having bad luck we would never of caught up to the Dwarf so quickly. Looks like I'm back in the game. RIMMER: Well, it was fun while it lasted. LISTER: Finally, Red Dwarf, after all this time! (LISTER is concentrating hard on steering, but true to it's form, the virus strikes again and LISTER sneezes, as he lurches forward, so does StarBug) (Scene: StarBug lurching forward in space, It's nose hits a small asteroid and it is thrown completely off course) (Scene: StarBug CockPit, crew is shaken but okay, CAT rushes back in to see what has happened) CAT: Oh man, who let 'lucky' drive? RIMMER: Damage? KRYTEN: Negligable, except perhaps to Mister David's ego. RIMMER: Well thanks to captain sneezy over there we are way off course. LISTER: Sorry. RIMMER: Sorry? Sorry? you think sd the Titanic was sinking the captian stood up and said 'Whoops, sorry about that, I don't really think I was the right man for the job after all'? (CAT fiddles with the controls to no effect) CAT: I can't bring her around! KRYTEN: Damn this cheap secondhand interface! The collision has damaged the link to the side thrusters. RIMMER: How long until it's fixed? KRYTEN: Approximately two hours. CAT: So we got to fly forwards without turning a centimetre for two hours? RIMMER: In the opposite direction to Red Dwarf? (CAT and RIMMER glare at LISTER) LISTER: I said I was sorry! (Scene: StarBug going straight ahead in space: time passes) (Scene: Sleeping Quarters, it is dark LISTER is asleep on his bunk, he rolls over - and off the bed making a loud thump, graoning in obvious pain LISTER decides it's not worth getting back up and just decides to sleep there) (Scene: Starbug turning around, doing a 180') (Scene: StarBug's midsection, KRYTEN and RIMMER are seated at the table, LISTER enters draped in his bed sheet, he sits down) LISTER: I kept having this dream where Kochankski came up to me and told me how much she liked Rimmer. RIMMER: See, even in your dreams the woman had taste! KRYTEN: Fear not sir! your bout of bad luck is over! LISTER: (Lets out a loud sigh) At smegging last. RIMMER: Such a pity. (KRYTEN gets up) KRYTEN: If you'll excuse me sir, I think now is the time to start preparing Mister Lister's morning madras! (KRYTEN leaves) LISTER:(Subdued) You were so supportive, you know that? All through out this ordeal you were there for me. You're a smeghead git, Rimmer. I can't think of anyone more selfish. You're like a parasite that feeds off other's misfortune. RIMMER: It's not often I get to enjoy myself on board, but, Listy this last day has been terrific and I'd like to thank you for all the fun and entertainment you have supplied. LISTER: Smeg off Rimmer, you know what I really don't understand? RIMMER: Fifth grade mathematics? LISTER: No...well yes but not just that. It's the fact that I was the only one to suffer this negative strain. Come on, man we *all* took a swig every now and again. RIMMER: So you think that we are all going to suffer to balance out our luck? LISTER: Well, it makes sense, why should I be the only one to suffer? RIMMER: Oh smeg. (RIMMER, looking worried gets up and leaves, LISTER shakes his head, enter CAT from the CockPit, he is dressed in clothes that DO NOT look suave and are nowhere near fashionable, his hair is falling out of place) LISTER: Cat? You okay? What happened? CAT: This is all I could find! I look like a walking vomit! I'm ashamed to be me! LISTER: Anything else bad happen? CAT: Yeah I ran out of hair gel, this is a red alert catasrphe, bud! (LISTER realises what's happenening, smiles braodly. He gets up and leaves) CAT: Bring me back some gel! (Scene: StarBug flying through space) (Scene: Galley, KRYTEN is busy preparing a meal. Enter LISTER) LISTER: Kryten, man how many tubes of that luck virus did you make for each of us? KRYTEN: Computing sir. Ah, 3 vials for you, one for the Cat and thirty for Mister Rimmer. On average it takes about 8 hours of negative luck to balance out one vial. LISTER: Well, Cat's luck just hit him, he's looking worse than a high school principal. KRYTEN: Oh dear, then it seems that Mister Rimmer will not be far behind. His luck will be negative for near on ten days. LISTER: So you mean? KRYTEN: Yes sir. Mister Rimmer will have the luck equivelant to a fat turkey at thanksgiving. (Scene: StarBug flying through space) RIMMER: (VO) OH SMEG! (Scene: StarBug CockPit, KRYTEN, CAT and LISTER at their posts, LISTER is dressed normally, CAT is still unfashionable) LISTER: Oh it feels good to be me again. KRYTEN: Glad to have you back, Sir. CAT: Oh man, you mean I've got to dress like Julian Clary for another 6 hours? KRYTEN: Among other things, Sir, unfortunately, yes. RIMMER: (VO) Nobody laugh. Nobody say a smegging word. Especially you Lister, I don't want you even smirking. (Enter RIMMER, he is dressed exactly like LISTER, he even supports curry stains and atop his head lays dreds. He is the spitting image of LISTER, minus the face..) KRYTEN: Smirk mode cancel, Sir. (Smirks anyway) CAT: Heyyy, Nice choice bud. (Smirks) RIMMER: I'm warning you.. LISTER: Data file corrupt man? (RIMMER shoots LISTER a death stare) CAT: Gee what a stroke of bad luck! It makes my day seem a whole lot better. RIMMER: At least this only has to last for an hour. LISTER: An hour? No, no man. Krytes reckons it'll last a bit longer. RIMMER: What? He said an hour to me. KRYTEN: I made a teensy mistake, Sir. RIMMER: How teensy? LISTER: (To KRYTEN) Oh let me man. (To RIMMER) Just a small miscalculation. you know, due to the virus and all. RIMMER: How small? LISTER: Tiny. RIMMER: How *smegging* small? LISTER: Ten days. RIMMER: TEN DAYS? TEN DAYS? CAT: It could be worse, goal-post head. RIMMER: I fail to see how. CAT: You could have a head like bog bot over there (Jerks a finger to KRYTEN) KRYTEN: Quite, Mister Rimmer, Sir. So just count yourself lucky that you don't have to go around looking like the wrong end of a doggy chew toy for ten days. RIMMER: I suppose. (RIMMER shakes his head, the dreds come flying off like a bad wig. Underneath, RIMMER's head is, well. KRYTEN like. It looks like KRYTEN's head on LISTER's body, minus the face which is a distraught RIMMER!) RIMMER: Oh smeg. LISTER: Nice one! (Sings) Luck be a ludy toniiiiiiiiiiiight! /----------------------------------------------------------------------------\ | END | \----------------------------------------------------------------------------/