"After Apocalypse" by Miss Hyde (miss_hyde@hotmail.com) This is Holly, the Red Dwarf ship computer. We have been wandering through space for nearly six years now, in the direction we assume to be the way home. That is, assuming the direction we were in the first place was away from home. Nothing is less sure, but. hey ! Half a dozen years more or less in a trip evaluate to take 2,3 million years won't be the cause of anyone's death. Last week, we found this strange object from earth wandering aimlessly in space. It revived are hopes; it's a coca-cola bottle. Does that mean we missed another space ship, or that there is a human space station, or even Earth, waiting for us at the corner of the next nebula ..? The object is in quarantine right now. Lister had ask the « Why ? » of such a procedure, remarking reasonably « It's a smegging liquor bottle ! » But Rimmer, always being the smeg head he is doomed to be, became hysterical : « That is what they want us to believe ! But they made a little mistake ! They put unidentified DUSt in it instead of liquor, now, you don't think liquor changes into dust do you... » « May be it's very old...» « May be it's an other genetic mutant, replied Rimmer, or an alien, or... » « May be it's only dust. » « May be, tried Rimmer again, and with an inspired look: May be there was once a space station around here, guarded by a single man. He used to feel very lonely, with only the stars and the infinite space to keep him company. Maybe the radio had crashed and they forgot him there. So in his last empty bottle, he wrote a message. Not any ordinary message, mind you, but the message of someone who learned the weight of words. May be he's a poet, even the greatest poet of the galaxy, and wants to write his greatest creation and send it into space so that it won't be lost forever. Maybe they were going to be attacked, I don't know. What I am convinced of, is that whatever this is, he concluded, waving the bottle in front of the others, is that this... this, is not what it appears to be. » « Amen » Rimmer went to break his sacred bottle on Lister's head but changed his mind at the last second. « And what other alternative do I have, he cried, surrounded by morons like you, then dream of higher forms of intelligence ? ! ! » So by consideration for Rimmer's feeling (we really enjoyed his face the last time he searched for higher form of intelligence and found a garbage pod, but Lister didn't have his Polaroid then ) we let him put the bottle in quarantine. After the necessary time, I had to remind Rimmer about his bottle. « Bottle, what bottle? He didn't remember. Ahhhh ! that bottle ! Oh, common Holly, don't be ridiculous. Can't you catch a joke? I was merely humouring you the other day. Now, trash that and let's forget about it, capish ? And once again he add: Ahhh ! Holly, you'll always amaze me. » Obviously, he had concluded that the bottle holds no interests after all. So just to contradict him, and because my singing potatoes had gone voiceless after a memorable concert where after trashing to much one went smash! leaving me with no one interesting to speak with, I sent the bottle's dust in the D.N.A modifier, to find out what it once had been. Also according to probability laws, Murphy' s one has been pursuing Rimmer for so long, my computer brain tells me if he says the bottle holds no interest, it probably has one, so he can be humiliated again. Sometimes, we almost pity him. Being Rimmer mustn't be an easy thing. After preparing every thing, I called the others. « Holly, how did you bring the bottle from quarantine to here all alone? suspiciously asked Rimmer. I thought you were bodiless. » « You mean, cried Lister, you had a body all that time and didn't tell us? » « Now, why would she wants to do that? »wondered Cat. « No, you gimboïds. I asked Kryten. »> « Oh. » Kryten poured the dust on the floor. « Now, Holly, don't be disappointed if nothing happens ». Cat pushed the start button, has we all waited, full of expectation (na... that's not true) to see what would happen. ******BBOOOGABBBOOOOO !******** « Holly, would you shut up ? » sneered the smeg head. « Sorry, I offered as my program doesn't allow insults, just thought part of my job to do the sound effects. » But by then, anyone had gone speechless. Instead of a letter, a ship, or even an other genetic mutant appeared before our very eyes the most handsome man mother nature - or who ever does the job - has created. After a moment of silence where both party examined each other, Rimmer started to evaluate the situation . « Good ! Very good ! » he cynically pointed out « As if we needed this to remember us how miserable we are. I mean, I was talking for you, Lister. You must really feel awful right now ». And turning toward the others, he add : « So, should I disintegrate him and we all forget about this ? » - Hey ! realised Cat. I thought you monkeys were all as dreadful. I mean, this one almost look Catish ! - May be, suggested Kryten, the specie has evolved since you two left Earth ? - No, wait a minute... Lister narrowed his eyes as he observed the intruder closer. I know you... I've seen you before.. on t.v.... Aren't you... Brad Pitt ? - Of course not, monsieur, sneered the stranger. I am Louis the v... I mean de Pointe du Lac, and he bowed gracefully before the stupefied assembly. Louis looked around, and seemed more then a little confused. And you are, if I may inquire? And despite his confusion, he managed a smile. - Wow ! Such class ! approved Cat. - Such pretension you mean, snored Rimmer. -OK body. I'm Lister. Dave Lister. Here's Cat, already fervent admirer of yours, and Kryten. Oh ! And Holly there on the screen. Sorry Hol ! Holly smiled nervously, before becoming pink - red - a dangerous shade of purple. Then the screen turned to snow. Louis observed the transformations with huge eyes. Lister tried to sympathise : « This seems quiet disturbing for you, isn't it ? That's normal, since you seem to come from what we now call the... Middle Ages according to your costume, right ?" - More the 19 th century, sir, corrected Kryten. - Don't worry. You'll get used to the... and trying to decide if his guest could tack the blow, he carefully finished, ...31 th century. This is the space ship Red Dwarf, lost in it. Space, I mean. - Oh ! And by the way, monsieur, would you be so kind to tell us, je vous prie, (hum- hum) how a. 19 th century gentlemen? Can space travel in a liquor bottle, asked politely Kryten. Because, voyez-vous, all the company would be very interested in your story. It promises to be... Eh! Eh! very instructive, I am convinced. Ah ! Ah ! he added with his hand waving ridiculously around his head and a stupid smile. Every body looked at him. He coughed. « May be I'm over doing it a little ? Give me a break. sirs, my good manners chip has rotten after two years on this ship! » - In fact, said Louis, frowning, I was surprise because you only come from the 31rd century. Oh - my costume - it was retro fashion then. - When are you from? inquired Lister. Louis smiled wryly. « I am, my friends, from the 40 th century. Or should I rather say, from Apocalypse." - Apocalypse ! shout Lister in disbelief. What happened to Earth, London. the Fiji Islands? -Disappeared into dust, I'm afraid. -And, asked Kryten, well, I don't suppose ( I'm only speculating here) that many part of it got sealed in liquor bottles, so that we only need to find enough of them wandering in space to rebuild the world ? -No. - Just asking. I think we might consider my question as a result of the highly improbable situations in which you arrived to us, AND of the shock of the news you just thought good to add to it. Yesss... no doubt, that should make it. My wires have melted. Oh ! Oh ! I was even going to forget the second part of my logical chain of reactions, always because of the shock, you see. Kryten began to run back and forth in the room, screaming in a high pitched voice. But after a while he stopped and sit back on his chair, calmly. « Sorry every one, my head doesn't seem to want to explode, regardless of how hard I try. » Rimmer shook his in disbelief. « I only wish my head could explode, so I wouldn't have to listen to all this nonsense ! " - Me two! remarked Cat. - Can't you see he only wants to sap your moral ? - I beg you pardon ? asked Louis, surprised. - I beg you pardon ? Imitated Rimmer. Why should we believe you, mister? For some unknown reason, he doesn't want us to reach Earth, that is so obviously obvious! He's a renegade of some sort. or a mad man. Otherwise, what was he doing hidden in a pepsi bottle ? How LOW can you fall ? ! - Stop shouting, you neurotic rerun. And as if talking to itself, Cat continued : « So Holly land is no more ? The all monkey's specie's gone winckaboom ? Why should I care ? As for you too, smeg heads ; common, wont stop us from sleeping tonight. You're even more selfish then I am! » Then realising his last comment gave what he considers an advantage to Rimmer, he quickly added, raising a finger : « Or almost. Almost as selfish. » Cat leaked his claws and began to coame his eyebrows, and grinning mischievously he sent a wrinkle toward Louis. Rimmer looked positively sick. - This one, remarked Louis dreamingly, reminds me of someone I knew... then turning towards the others he became serious again : Messieurs, I do understand how hard it is for you... - Really ? interrupted Rimmer bitterly. Do you ? Finding Earth was the last chance I had to ever resurrect myself... Now, do you realise how it feels to know you'll be dead for ever ? Secretly panicked, Louis looked at every one making sure the pun was really just a random hit. But he relaxed when they all looked back at him as stupidly as before. - Worse ! added Lister, just getting out of his state of shock. He put a hand on his heart. « Do you all realise that with the death of all females, the human race is doomed to disappear ? » - Do you realise, lower form of life, that even if they did still exist, you don't stand a chance to be the one repopulating the universe anymore? asked Cat. Lister, in grief, hit his head on the wall several times. Seeing this, Louis tried to cheer up the place a little. - Mister... Smeg head, is that it ? If that can reassure you, until the last days of human civilisation, they never managed to bring back the dead alive. Even when 98% of the planet happened to be dead, due to nuclear wars, pollution, and... a few other plagues. He looked at the ceiling innocently to avoid their curious glances. So he never saw there were none. He only hoped they couldn't read minds. - Thanks, answered coldly Rimmer, while trying to send Louis back to ashes by the only power of his glance. And you, I suppose you weren't dead in the first place ? Turning his back to Louis, he made the sign of pushing the button that would send the stranger back to his original state, while ostentatiously shaping with his lips: « He-is-lying ! » - Oh ! Come on, Mister Rimmer, tried to reassure Kryten in a whisper, not lying just... very incoherent ? - You don't happened to be an other genetic mutant, are you ? - CAT ! shouted Lister and Rimmer together. - As if asking him was going to change something if he was ! shout back the Cat. - No, I'm not. - I knew you were going to say that. Now, does someone have a good explanation to why we didn't asked him yet what he was doing in his liquor bottle ? - Bad plot, answered Lister gloomily. This is amateur fiction, and who ever wrote it, he's mine ! - Soooo, asked Rimmer with a heavy sigh. And as if pretending to read a bad script, (not knowing he wasn't, actually, pretending at all) he asked again : WHAT were you doing in this BOOtle ? The men looked back at him with a calm stare. "I will tell you, he promise. I give you my words you'll know what you want tomorrow night. But for the moment, if you'll allow me, I am extenuated and need desperately to sleep all day. - Oh -oh- oh nooooo mister, you wont get out of this one so easily ! giggled Rimmer madly. But Louis, not impressed, had lain on the dirty floor. He wished a good day to all the crew and instantly fell asleep. « Seems he had manage after all » someone concluded. As Rimmer went angrily to wake him up, Lister got in his way. « Common, Rimmer, give the guy a break. How would you feel after wandering threw nothingness for years as an ashtray ? - You are perfectly right, Lister, excccuuuuuse me. You can throw your life away if you want. After all, I'm already dead! - Good for you. Kryten, would you help me bring him in some quarters? - Of course, sir. - In quarantine, you freak heads ! Not in a bed ! but driven by another more imperative survival instinct, they had all started to ignore him again. Kryten and Rimmer brought the vampire somewhere more suitable to sleep. - He really sleeps like a baby ! remarked Kryten amazed. - Have you noticed how pale he is ? - Well, sire, if I may say, he didn't have recently the occasion to get a suntan, right ? - You're right. Hey, I've got a brilliant idea ! Holly, can you make those light bulbs to send UVB rays ? - How many 6000 I.Q. computers do you need to change a light bulb ? sight the computer. - Hey ! No need to be sarcastic. I was just asking. - Well since you're asking I can't. - What ? - I can't. Can't manage to find out the formula for UVB rays. - Oh, did Lister confused. Well, next time we pass near a sun, don't forget to take notes, OK ? Rimmer, what are you doing here ? Rimmer had rushed inside the room. « Just making sure the door gets locked behind us. We need to attach him to his bed. Holly, can you make one of those restraining shield to surround him, like in Star Trek ? Of course you can. » - What am I ? A home appliance robot ? - What's the problem with her ? - When my I.Q. will get under zero, will you look over me ? she wined. - What do you think we're doing now? Holly speaking here, the stupid Red Dwarf ship computer. We have had a new crew member aboard our ship for two days now. He seems to adapt very well to life on board, drinking beer milkshakes, then playing strip poker all night, then sleeping all day. Thought I suspect him to get ride of the drinks in Lister's morubian cactus. I've never seen a morubian cactus growing teats before. But then, I've never seen a morubian cactus, or anything morubian, so I can't be sure this is a sign of intoxication. I know singing potatoes turn blue. But humans still win the weirdest side effects. Lister is telling me he never had any morubian cactus and that he doesn't even know if Morubians exist. What an existential question. He sure is intoxicated ! I am now trying to test side effects on myself but had found none so far. « So Rimmer, attacked Lister while shuffling the cards. Talk to us about aaaaliiiieeens ! About eeeeviiiiil mutants ! » « Laugh as much as you want, Lister, but he still hasn't gave us a pertinent explanation for his arrival and he had now up to two days to think about it. Thought, add the hologram, it is true you didn't give him much time to think straight, and soon, following your nightly routine, he wont even remember what that means. » As if to prove his statement, Louis just then entered the room, obviously in really bad shape. « Hey ! What's wrong with him ? » worried Cat. - He's right, chorused Lister, you look paler every night. Are you sick or something ? -In quarantine ! panicked Rimmer. Right now ! Oh God ! That's it, we're all gonna die killed by intergalactic plague. I told you ! I told you ! - May be he's allergic to Rimmer. Now, I only see one solution...hoped Cat. - It is not contagious. But it is true I have a confession to make. Rimmer started to laugh madly and repeat: « I told you ! I told you ! » - Do you mind ? asked Louis, annoyed and now reluctant to continue. "I am not an alien, he stated solemnly." - Ahhhh ! did the others in relief. - I am a vampire. - Red Alert ! Red Alert ! Where is my bazooka when I need it ? Hollyyyyyyyy!!!! Did you heard me ?! This is a red pink purple bloody alert. WE'RE UNDER ATTACK ! But as every body's still sat peacefully around the table, looking at him, he sat back down, resigned. Then the voice was heard: " Hello, this is the Red Dwarf computer, did someone called my name ? " - Never mind, mumbles Rimmer. - Because, you see.insisted the computer, I am occupied right now and unless something do happens, I mean, DRAMATIC, or CATASTROHIC, - not FATAL, right, since then what's the point ? - Could you ignore me ? - We'll try, Holly. But it would help if you'd shut up. - So, asked Lister, you're a vampire. Aren't you suppose to try to kill us, run after us in a crazy pursuit threw all the ship but get destroyed at the last minute ? - I've tried ! cried the vampire. But Rimmer, Holly and Kryten don't have blood. Cat does, but it is insipid even to smell. - Gee, mumbles Cat, thanks. And what is his excuse to be alive ? he asked, pointing at Lister. Louis covered his head in his hands in a gesture of despair, and whispered : « He doesn't wash his neck ! It's disgusting ! ». « Ahhh ! » made every one except Lister. « That explains every thing ! » remarked Kryten satisfied. « I never thought it would save me life, confessed the main interested, traumatised. - And now, since their is no way on this ship for me to subside, I 'll ask you the favour to put me back in my bottle so I can continue my journey... - No problem with me pal, remarked Cat with a grin, but it might hurt a little. - How did you got there in the first place ? - Yeah ! I knew we had forgotten to ask you something ! - In fact, it is very simple, answered the immortal. He then told them the most epic story of : THE LAST SHABBAT OF THE VAMPIRES by Louis de Pointe du Lac It was Lestat, Armand, Marius, Jessica, Maharet, Santino, Daniel, Kayman, Eric, Gabrielle, David, Pandora and myself. Maharet's twin sister, Mekare, had been locked conscientiously in a Switze bank account. You see, Earth had become impossible for us, vampires. Since the invention of holograms, mortals could all kill each other joyfully, then reprogram the dead and start again the next day. As a result, being alive became a marginality. After all, an holographic image costing less then the real thing, houses, mates, pets, gardens, travels, every thing became holographic. Imagine ! Holograms watching holograms acting on holographic t.v. in a holographic den. Dreadful. And we, immortals, were meanwhile starving to madness. So we decided to leave the planet. But renting a space ship was not practicable. Who would drive it, as none of us can function long without mortal's blood ? What if it experiences a malfunction while we are still in suspended animation ? Instead, we spent a few days trying to accumulate every thing we could still find based on atoms of carbon. It wasn't much, but we finally got enough to start a impressive fire. We also needed one recipient for each of us. And then we jumped into the fire. - You...what ? ! - You see, we, creature of the night, are almost invincible. Even in ashes, we still exist, as long as you don't scatter them. We had found this to be the simplest, least expensive way to travel far and long. No need for blood, fuel, and barely conscious. I must admit the experience revealed itself to be much more traumatising then we'd expect. Wandering threw nothingness, for eternity. bodiless... No one to speak to, nothing to touch... - You know, proposed Lister, may be we can find a way for you to stay here. - Eee... No thanks. I prefer the bottle. - I wish people would stop saying that ! whispered Cat when suddenly Louis returned into ashes. - Did I say something wrong ? - IIIIIIIII'''''''VE done it ! Welcome the most brrrilliant computer in the universe ! I just reinvented the UVB rays ! Suntan is free ! My treat. Thanks to me. - No chance, decided Rimmer. The noise of an aspirator started to fill the room. - Cat ! What are you doing !? - Well, we can't leave him to go feed on other harmless people, can we? Plus : he's almost as handsome as me, and lethal to women. Who wants that around? - I think he's right, sir. - OK, OK... Holly, can you serve me another beer milkshake please? Lets go try you're new sun on the holographic beach. Fun, fun, fun... In the sun, sun, sun...