Epideme - Script v0.71


Raz, Datalink-Karma, 1996-97

Everything is fuzzy again!
@ 13Mar99

After a tense and protracted wait, the "Epideme" script has taken up residency!

This is version 0.71 of the script, appearing as a reasonably complete representation, I hope you'll agree. Fuller versions will turn up eventually!

[Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Paul Alexander, no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at the usual addy. Thanks.]

Raz, DTLK, 1996-97 13Mar99 +
[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] RED DWARF - SERIES 7 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] EPISODE 7 -- EPIDEME [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Version 0.71 6 - 8 March, 1997 Last updated: 13 March, 1999 Raz / raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk http://www.mushroom.demon.co.uk Credits for corrections: Lisa Lundin, Ali Vowell [-- 1 - Int. Starbug Cockpit ----------------------------------------------] [All present, at stations] CAT What *is* that thing? KOCHANSKI Astro-glacier. Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of luminous gases. CAT Thanks! That's most helpful! [To LISTER:] What is it? LISTER To you: a big iceberg. KOCHANSKI I studied them in my first year in the Corps. but I've never seen one up this close before. Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystalline formations... they're fabbaroo! LISTER You think all this sciency stuff's really interesting, don't you? I bet, at school, you were always the one with the right coloured pencils, and the impossibly neat handwriting. I bet even now you can probably tell us the 'average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal low-lands of Venezuela'... KOCHANSKI No I couldn't, I've no idea... [BEAT] Okay, three point four inches, so what? Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment isn't a line on a loo wall somewhere marking my highest ever pee. KRYTEN I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications. CAT What qualifications have you got, meat tenderiser head? KRYTEN Why, I'm a fully qualified Bachelor of Sanitation. You may not know this, sir, but many years ago I completed my course at Toilet University, where I studied the lavatorial sciences. KOCHANSKI Toilet University's just a piece of software; it's part of your core program. KRYTEN I still had to complete a written examination to indicate the program was successfully installed. Most interesting. Did you know, for instance, that the first syphon-and-valve flushing system was patented in 1778 by Joseph Brehman, whose U-bend curvature equations are still -- LISTER Kryten! KRYTEN Yes, sir? LISTER Can this story maybe wait? Ideally until after I'm dead? CAT Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at all. LISTER No kidding, professor... CAT No, it's true, bud. That's why, sometimes, I don't know stuff. Like... well, practically everything. KRYTEN Was this because you brought yourself up, sir? CAT Right. There was no one else around, so I had to teach myself. And seeing as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow; especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing. KOCHANSKI So, what do we do about the ice..? KRYTEN Well, water supplies *are* low, ma'am. If the ice is uncontaminated, it might prove quite useful. KOCHANSKI Okay, standard S.E.P. scan and log. KRYTEN Locking on; scanning and logging. Extraordinary... LISTER What is it? KRYTEN There's something buried deep in the heart of the astro-glacier - some kind of object... it's huge; just processing. LISTER Well? KRYTEN It's a starship. [-- x - Int. Docking bay within derelict ---------------------------------] [ALL present] LISTER This place is harder to get into than an airline chicken kiev! [-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------] [ALL present] KRYTEN It's the 'Leviathan', sir, a 23rd century JMC supply ship. Engines are dead: power overload; looks like they were running from something. Wait! I'm picking up a lifesign. LISTER Are you absolutely sure? KRYTEN Certain. [-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------] [ALL present] KOCHANSKI I've never seen anything like this! LISTER You weren't around for my last party, were you? KRYTEN Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror. LISTER Yaaaarggg! Aarrrg! Oh my god! KOCHANSKI What is it?! LISTER The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice-water! It was wet and horrible! [Exit KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT] LISTER Went right down into m' crevice. [Exit LISTER] [-- x - Int. Chamber within derelict -------------------------------------] [CAT present] [Enter KOCHANSKI, KRYTEN, CAT] [CAT is running gloved hands over a large, thick slab of ice, and peering into it intently] CAT Hey guys, check this out! There's a woman in there! KRYTEN Just locating her JMC ident chip... Ah. Caroline Carmen. According to the psi-scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf. LISTER I remember her - she got re-posted to Titan. KOCHANSKI You knew her? LISTER Yeah - she made a pass at me once! KOCHANSKI I don't believe you... a supply officer'd never go our with *you*. LISTER She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there for a really long time. KOCHANSKI Caroline. LISTER Caroline, yeah. Karen's my *pet name* for her. KOCHANSKI I don't believe a word. LISTER Caroline Carmen and me, believe it! Sexually, we're just *so* compatible. In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door nicknamed her Carmen Moans. You could ask her if she was still alive. KRYTEN She is, sir. The lifesign appears to be coming from this very spot. LISTER Does it? Ah, well, she might not remember me *immediately*, she might have amnesia. CAT Amnesia? LISTER Yeah, ice does that. Gives you amnesia. Isn't that right, Kryts? KRYTEN Er, I don't recall hearing that, sir. LISTER Y'see? It's affecting 'im already. Okay, let's get her back to the bug. [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------] [ALL present] KRYTEN I've begun the water syphoning process from the Leviathan. Any change here? CAT It doesn't make sense, bud. The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter than an English beer. LISTER He's right. The temperature's been a constant ninety degrees, and yet she's still completely cold and unresponsive. KRYTEN Ah, what about Miss Carmen..? <KRYTEN turns away and shakes his shoulders, overplaying his joke> LISTER <smiling> I was *talking* about Miss Carmen... KOCHANSKI It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection. LISTER Maybe we should just laser it? KRYTEN Recommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in the morning, sir. Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the body. CAT Do you really think she's still alive in there? KOCHANSKI She must be. [-- x - Int. Starbug. Night ----------------------------------------------] <Ice breaks open. Rotting feet touch the floor, and the decomposing figure shuffles out of the medibay. Driven by an unknown force, the woman finds herself outside the sleeping quarters. Spotting LISTER, asleep in his bunk, the woman lets out a sigh of satisfaction, approaches LISTER and slips under his duvet. LISTER half-wakes, and not only gets the wrong end of the stick, but manages to get splinters in all four fingers and two in his thumb> LISTER Well, well, well, well... this is a bit of a turn up, isn't it..? Eh? You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris? Hey, what're you doing? Hey, wait! What're you doing?? <Laughs> <The hideous spectre pulls out LISTER's longjohns and tosses them away> LISTER <mock offended> And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested..? *You* dumped *me*, remember? You think you can just jump in m' bed and I'm yours? Well, as it happens you're right, but let me tell you, it was a pretty close thing. <The ghastly creature begins to nibble at LISTER's ear> LISTER Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet breath against my neck again... <A knock issues from the hatchway> LISTER Smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten! Quick - quick, in the shower. *In the shower*... <In the darkness, LISTER throws the blanket over Kris' and herds her into the shower cubicle. He grabs a towel and ties it around himself> LISTER Smeg... <LISTER opens the hatch> [Enter KRYTEN] KRYTEN Are you alone, sir? LISTER Yeah. KRYTEN Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters. LISTER It's two o'clock in the mornin', man! KRYTEN Ah, yes, well this *is* an *emergency* dust, you see, sir. My sensors have picked up *vast* quantities of dust in this region and I simply *must* dust, right now! <LISTER blocks the hatchway as KRYTEN tries to pass through> LISTER I'll take the risk, man! KRYTEN Ah, I simply can't allow that, sir. <KRYTEN feints left, right, left and scurries past LISTER at high speed> KRYTEN Ahh! Double bed mode... hmm... I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe, sir. <KRYTEN wrenches the door open> KRYTEN Under your spare bunk duvet... <KRYTEN sends the cover flying> KRYTEN Hmmm... in your other wardrobe. LISTER Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip! KRYTEN She's *in* here, isn't she! LISTER I don't know what you mean, man... KRYTEN You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me! You promised! LISTER Kryten... listen, erm, look it's like -- KRYTEN It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it! LISTER Not again, man, no! No! KRYTEN It is! LISTER I *like* your head! KRYTEN Not as much as you like hers! LISTER What are you talking about? You've got one of the all-time great heads - it's attractive, it's functional, it - it's almost perfect for carving a sunday roast! [Enter KOCHANSKI] KRYTEN She's in the shower, isn't she! *ISN'T SHE*!? KOCHANSKI Who? KRYTEN Miss Kochanski! Who'd you think!? Madam Curie?? KOCHANSKI What is all this noise about? I can't sleep! <KRYTEN does a double-, then a triple-take> KRYTEN <Ahem> Forgive me, sir. Shame mode. Excuse me, ma'am... [Exit KRYTEN] LISTER How the hell did you *do* that..? Of course! You slipped out through the vent shaft, and dropped into the corridor - brilliant! KOCHANSKI What? LISTER You're a genius, an absolute genius! KOCHANSKI What are you doing?? LISTER I'm unbuttoning your shirt... KOCHANSKI What are you doing that for?! LISTER 'Cos we've got a little unfinished business! KOCHANSKI That was a *long* time ago, things are very different now! LISTER Look, he's gone - don't worry about Kryten; now come on, get y' kit off, and I'll go and slip into m' Batman outfit. KOCHANSKI You really believe in being direct, don't you... LISTER Aww, come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris - let's hit the springs? <Not quite believing what she's hearing, KOCHANSKI pulls her arm back and delivers a direct and to-the-point Space Corps right cross straight across LISTER's jaw> KOCHANSKI That's your idea of seduction, is it?? Well, forget it, Lister! Not if you were the last man alive... LISTER I *am* the last man alive. KOCHANSKI I rest my case... [Exit KOCHANSKI] LISTER What did I do wrong..? *What*? <LISTER dejectedly heads back to bed, and remembers the bed linen now discarded in the shower cubicle> LISTER Oh! Duvet... <LISTER heads back to the shower cubicle, and suddenly finds that his duvet is not alone> LISTER Oh my god! Caroline! You've really let yourself go... You could audition for about nine hundred Clearasil commercials! <LISTER tries to push Carmen back, and a soggy ear comes off in his hand> LISTER Sorry... <LISTER struggles, but can't keep the zombie away. She pins him down and plants a sloppy, decomposing kiss on him. Lister pushes her away finally, the corpse having gone suddenly limp, and spits out chunks of tongue and spongy jawbone> LISTER God! KRYTEN Are you all right, sir!? LISTER <breathing heavily> I've just been molested by Tutankhamun's horny grandma! Of course I'm not smeggin' all right! Eurgh! The taste! I need to to go and gargle with a toilet duck! KRYTEN She's dead, sir - and, curious, it appears she's been dead for three million years... LISTER Er, if she's been dead for three million years, where did the lifesigns come from? KRYTEN Hmm, good point, sir; and, more to the point, where did they go..? <LISTER , hyperventilating now, keels over and faints> [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------] [ALL present] LISTER I feel really lousy... KOCHANSKI Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be such a baby. KRYTEN Miss Kochanski, ma'am, if I may say so, your bedside manner leaves something to be desired. KOCHANSKI Like what? KRYTEN Well, like a bedside manner! LISTER You think I'm a hyperchondriac? KOCHANSKI You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get the common cold and you think it's malaria. KRYTEN Oh, and women, of course, are different? LISTER They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten. As would you if, every summer, you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your thatch. CAT He's right, I hate doing that. KRYTEN The tests are complete, and... there's, a foreign substance in your blood, and... well, I recognise the DNA, sir. CAT Is that good or bad? KRYTEN It's the epideme virus, sir. Er, a man-made parasite created as a rival to the nicotine patch. Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving, but in practice, it also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen. CAT Is *that* why the Carmen chick looked like the centerfold from this month's Playzombie? KRYTEN Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first forty-eight hours it consumes its host, then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new victim... When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits. CAT So, the lifesigns on the Leviathan -- KOCHANSKI Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite inhabiting her body... Which passed to you the moment she... well... LISTER Slipped her mouth-meat down m' gullet? I've been tongue-hockeyed to death! In forty-eight hours I'm going to be deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City! KRYTEN There *is* one option, sir... I believe you might have a chance if you, well, reason with it. LISTER Reason with *what*? KRYTEN The virus, sir. After all, it is intelligent. LISTER Kryten, are your neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble- drier again? KRYTEN If we can patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to talk to it. I believe it's your only chance, sir. [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------] [ALL present] KRYTEN It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might persuade it to leave. Now, remember: be charming. LISTER Be charming to my virus... right. KRYTEN Patching in the U.T... <A floating, holographic screen spins into existance. On it is rendered something akin to a pulsating, animated Julia Set fractal, in colours of red and green> EPIDEME Aaaand a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in flesh-and-blood land! And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant vending machine sub-operative, and spice food connoisseur, this is your *death*! <The epideme virus has a loud, intimidatingly brash voice, and is somewhat reminiscent of The Plant from Little Shop Of Horrors. The fractal image expands and contracts to match the virus's tone and inflections> EPIDEME Your line... KRYTEN I take it we're speaking with the epideme virus..? EPIDEME Give that man an eyebrow! Heyyy, I'm feeling generous, give him two! KRYTEN Well, er, maybe we should, um, can I -- EPIDEME *Dave*... let's run down the rules. If you win: *you* get to live; if I win: you get to die, and I take all your knowledge then I kill you... LISTER What? You absorb knowledge from every person you kill? EPIDEME So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't exactly a career highlight... No offence, but when you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your *anus*. LISTER How can you justify killing another living being? EPIDEME How about that chicken you *biriani'd* last night? How can you justify killing that?? LISTER Me and the chicken... it was different. EPIDEME How's that, David..? LISTER Well, I'm a person, it was a curry. EPIDEME He died so *you* could go on living; is that so different from what I'm doing? LISTER Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being, I have certain qualities that elevate me above poultry! I can think; I can play the guitar -- CAT Better than a chicken? Are you crazy? KRYTEN We're losing the argument, sir! You better move on to another subject. LISTER I'm the last guy alive! EPIDEME *And that gives you more right to exist than me..?* LISTER Well, yeah... because -- EPIDEME Time for your species to check out, Davey. Arrivederci, humies... [-- x - Int. Starbug mid-section ----------------------------------------] [LISTER present, patched into the universal translator. EPIDEME virus visible on it's screen] EPIDEME David, come on... you've got a virus; it's fatal - it happens. Doesn't mean we can't be friends! <Frustrated , LISTER reaches to disengage the translator> EPIDEME "Don't touch that dial!!" [Exit EPIDEME] [Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI] KRYTEN Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no matter how drastic? LISTER Yeah, what have you got, Kryts? KRYTEN A solution, sir, but, er... LISTER What? KRYTEN It's too drastic. LISTER Tell. KRYTEN Well, what we thought was - you see - <KRYTEN s speech collapses into unintelligible babbling> KOCHANSKI We want to cut off your arm. LISTER You what?? KRYTEN <hisses to KOCHANSKI> It's a stupid idea! I told you it was a stupid idea! KOCHANSKI <hisses back> It was your idea! KRYTEN <to KOCHANSKI> Are you saying I'm stupid? KOCHANSKI <hissing back> No! I'm saying it was your stupid idea! <KOCHANSKI recovers her dignity and addresses LISTER again> KOCHANSKI It's our only chance to save you. It could be worse... LISTER What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery? KOCHANSKI You could be *dead*. Now, you said you'd consider anything, well, this is it. LISTER Can I have some details? Something a little bit more inspiring than "can I hack off your limb?" KRYTEN The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm. LISTER And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things. KRYTEN Okay, sir. KOCHANSKI Let's go! Chop-chop! <KOCHANSKI winces, hearing her badly-chosen words too late> KOCHANSKI Sorry... [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, CAT, KOCHANSKI present. LISTER present, unconscious on the bed] KRYTEN Injecting anti-virals. KOCHANSKI Okay, virus heading north. Grid coordinate one-oh-nine point four. KRYTEN Ah, the pancreas. KOCHANSKI One-oh-four point two, on my mark... Mark. And heading for the left shoulder: Three-oh-nine point zero... No, no, no, no! Three-oh-eight! Three-oh-eight! It's heading away from his left arm - four-oh-six point nine... point eight... four-oh-six point five... Virus heading into his right arm -- KRYTEN The right arm, it's our only chance. Laser bone saw, sir, quickly! Amputation mode: cut and cauterise! <KRYTEN raises the saw and slices off LISTER's hand> KOCHANSKI It's not enough. <KRYTEN saws off another three inches> KOCHANSKI Still not enough. <The saw buzzes again, and another two or three inches of forearm land in the tissue disposal sack> KOCHANSKI Still not enough! <KRYTEN slices off what is left of LISTER's entire right forearm> KOCHANSKI Still not enough. <Desperately , KRYTEN raises the amputation to the middle of LISTER's upper arm> KOCHANSKI Okay! If this doesn't work, we're out of options. CAT Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold day in hell before I touch barbecue wings again! [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ---------------------------------------------] [LISTER present, asleep on the bed. KOCHANSKI present, seated by the bedside, reading] <LISTER wakes and peers at his left arm. Seeing it still there he smiles with relief. Then, glancing to his right, he suddenly realises that *that* arm has gone - he lets out an involuntary whimper> KOCHANSKI <speaking into a comm unit> He's awake! LISTER My *left* arm..? My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right?? KOCHANSKI We did the best we could; I am *so* sorry. LISTER Where is it? KOCHANSKI We flushed it into space, we had to. LISTER Ohh, my right arm... I did *everything* with that arm; we were inseparable! At least, I thought we were. [Enter KRYTEN, CAT] KRYTEN Mr Lister, sir, you're awake! CAT Buddy, you look great! <CAT rushes towards LISTER and, without thinking, offers a handshake. He realises his mistake and slinks back> LISTER Oh, it's not your fault. You did what you had to do to save my life. <KRYTEN lets out his high-pitched, Stan Laurel-like whimpering> LISTER You haven't saved my life... KOCHANSKI Seven per cent of Epideme's virions have found their way back into your body. They're currently multiplying exponentially. LISTER So, to sum up: all's I've got to look forward to now is death, zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with either you or the Cat? You've given my arm - *my* arm - for nothing? KRYTEN Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations, it's bought you approximately fifty-eight minutes more life. LISTER I - *What* am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more life?? CAT Have half a juggling lesson? LISTER You're really not helping. [-- x - Int. Sleeping quarters -------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI present, preparing LISTER's quarters for his return] <KOCHANSKI steps over to the bed, plumps the pillows and lays them out side by side, then moves away to sort out some clothes. KRYTEN, turning and seeing the pillows, clucks to himself and re-arranges the two pillows one atop the other. As he moves away and KOCHANSKI turns back to the bed, she sees the pillows and again lays them out side by side. Annoyed now, KRYTEN waits until she turns away and returns the pillows to the two-tier formation> KOCHANSKI Kryten, he doesn't like them like that. KRYTEN Well, begging you pardon, ma'am, I've been with Mr Lister for many years now. I don't need some 'Judy Come-Lately' advising me on his sleeping arrangements. KOCHANSKI Kryten, in my dimension I co-habited with him... I think I know what makes him happy in bed... KRYTEN So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips, and a really good horror movie - preferably featuring some scantily-clad, kung-fu fighting lady vampires. [Enter CAT] CAT Hey, old five-fingers has checked out! KOCHANSKI Oh my god, you mean..? CAT No, not *dead*; checked out. He's gone. And about forty pounds of Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from supply bunker seven. You think there could be a connection..? KOCHANSKI Come on! [-- x - Int. Starbug cargo hold ------------------------------------------] [LISTER present, struggling to turn the airlock locking wheel and open the heavy iron door] [ENTER KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT, onto the gantry above the deck] KOCHANSKI What are you doing? LISTER I'm just popping down the corner shop. Does anyone want anything? KRYTEN Sir, please, come back. There is no reason to return to the Leviathan. LISTER It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there, detonate this stuff, and destroy all traces of the virus. At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction of killing me. KOCHANSKI Dave, close the airlock. What you're doing is *insane*. CAT She's right. You've already screwed up the ping-pong tournaments, now you're gonna mess up the yo-yo championships too. KOCHANSKI Dave, don't go through that door! If you go through that door, I'll never speak to you again as long as you -- [Exit LISTER] KOCHANSKI Oh my god, just how *stupid* am I? KRYTEN According to my calculations, ma'am -- KOCHANSKI Kryten, shut up! [-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan -----------------------------] [LISTER present] <LISTER has wired up the universal translator. He activates it, and EPIDEME's fractal visage appears on the holographic screen> EPIDEME Hey baby, what's this? The Christmas special? LISTER That's right, man, yeah! And look what I got you: forty pounds of Incinerex. EPIDEME It's macho, but it's not you. You get what I'm sayin'? LISTER Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we? EPIDEME Er, Dave, hel-looo? KRYTEN [VO] Leviathan, this is Starbug. Come in, sir. [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, CAT present] LISTER [Mic] Kryten, get Starbug well away from here! You've got five minutes. KOCHANSKI Dave, listen to me. Dave - my Dave - had a saying: "even the word 'hopeless' has 'hope' in it"... CAT Maybe you had to be there..? LISTER [Mic] What the hell did that mean? KOCHANSKI You *can't* give up! LISTER [Mic] I'm dead already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim Reaper's passport photo. KRYTEN Please give us more time, sir? The medicomp might still come up with an antidote. LISTER [Mic] There's no point. Look, I haven't... made a will... Kris? Under my bunk, I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you. KOCHANSKI Collection? LISTER [Mic] Well, three. There's only two things that rhyme with 'Kochanski'; I used 'underpantski' twice... Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean for me man. KRYTEN Oh, sir, you're too generous. LISTER [Mic] Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe. CAT I can? Great! I need some hangers! [-- x - Int. Drive room aboard the Leviathan -----------------------------] LISTER Sixty seconds left, Epideme. EPIDEME Davvve, your heart says 'blow' but your brain says 'no!'. You're no quitter - hell! - the people of this ship kept searching for a solution right until the end! *They* never gave up. LISTER They didn't? EPIDEME Hell, *no*! They even overloaded their engines - so *sad*, 'cause they were *so near*... LISTER So near... They weren't running *from* something, but *to* something... Son-of-a-gun... Kryten, man, change of plan! [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay ----------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present] KRYTEN Er, sir, I've been meaning to ask: as you retain specialist knowledge from each of your victims, and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in *my* knowledge? EPIDEME Sure, shoot! I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, cell molecular biology and TV theme tunes! Ask me *anything*... KRYTEN Very well. One thing I've always wanted to know: who on earth *was* the fourth Marx brother? EPIDEME Zippo. *Easy*! Ask me a hard one. KRYTEN A hard one? EPIDEME A *HAAAAAAAARD* one... oouuugggh. KRYTEN Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made more efficient? EPIDEME <takes a deep beath> Re-route the pulse relays by the auxiliary conductor node and transpose all the prime numbers in the first line of the alphabet to the energy equation. Thhbptptpt. KRYTEN And that would make Starbug more efficient? EPIDEME Thrrrreeee hundred percent faster! LISTER That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for the epideme cure. Trouble was, by the time *we* reached Delta 7 I'd be dead. KRYTEN Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster. LISTER And now we have... EPIDEME Well I'll be the son-of-a-bacteria... [-- x - Int. Starbug cockpit ---------------------------------------------] [CAT, KOCHANSKI present] KOCHANSKI How're we doing? CAT Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell! Going into orbit right now. KOCHANSKI Scanning surface... oh my god... CAT What is it? KOCHANSKI The planet, it's been flamed - there's nothing down there! Not a building, not a plant... nothing... [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present] [Enter KOCHANSKI] KOCHANSKI You knew, didn't you? EPIDEME Heyyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope. The whole planet was flamed to get rid of me! But I'd allrrrready left, in one of the Star Corps. medical engineers, who then made a housecall - to the Leviathan! <Angry and frustrated, KOCHANSKI opens her mouth to retort, then appears to suddenly think of something. She turns and rushes out> [-- x - Int. Starbug medibay -------------------------------------------] [LISTER, KRYTEN, EPIDEME present] [Enter CAT] CAT How's it going? KRYTEN Life signs almost gone, sir. EPIDEME And in tomorrow's episode: Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn when Dave, her hilarious decomposing boyfriend, returns from the grave to infect her with a wacky, but charismatic, virus! Until then, good night... [Exit EPIDEME] [Enter KOCHANSKI] KOCHANSKI Okay, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, okay? KRYTEN/CAT What!? KOCHANSKI [to LISTER] It's the last chance to save you, *do you agree*? LISTER You're gonna prevent epideme from killing me by killing me..? KOCHANSKI I'll take that as a yes... <KOCHANSKI raises a hypo-spray device to LISTER's chest and pumps a shot into his heart. LISTER jolts then lies still> KOCHANSKI Is he..? KRYTEN Dead!? Yes, ma'am! <KOCHANSKI gingerly moves her left arm over LISTER's body towards his head> KRYTEN Er, careful Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him! <As her hand approaches LISTER's mouth, his torso suddenly spasms. Epideme's laughter rings out as LISTER sinks his teeth into KOCHANSKI's hand, and LISTER falls back, unmoving> KRYTEN The epideme virus has transferred to you! It's infected your hand! EPIDEME And the big showbiz news today is that, as expected, the long-running virus, epideme, has been renewed for *another season*! KOCHANSKI Wrong, bug-head! You're *axed*! <Her voice grating, KOCHANSKI picks up the laser saw and raises it over the infected arm> EPIDEME No... no! Yaaaaagggghhh! <Swiftly and unemotionally, KOCHANSKY drops the saw over the arm, severing it at the elbow> CAT Oh - my - god! Did you see that!? She - she - <Unable to get a grip on what he's just seen, CAT serenely keels over, rigid> KRYTEN Miss Kochanski, ma'am! What - I mean - what - have you gone completely insane?!? KOCHANSKI Kryten..! <Sounding much too cheerful for a woman who's just cut off her own arm, KOCHANSKI reveals the bare and unblemished left arm of her own from behind her back and flashes both triumphantly. KRYTEN gasps, eyes flashing between the two arms attached to KOCHANSKI's body, and the arm lying on the floor> KOCHANSKI It was Caroline Carmen's - I injected it with blood and adreneline! KRYTEN That really is quite extraordinary... <KOCHANSKI heads to ward the exit hatch, KRYTEN following. They pass out of sight, and KRYTEN's voice can be heard as they walk away: KRYTEN D'you know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have to except that I'm going to have to get to like you at that. I mean, you do annoy me to some degree but, really, that -- **MR LISTER**!!!! [Enter KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI, sprinting in from the corridor] KRYTEN The defibrilator! <KOCHANSKI passes him the high voltage defibrilator pads> KRYTEN Clear! <KRYTEN places the pads on LISTER's chest and fires a jolt of electricity through LISTER's body. LISTER arches off the bed, but falls back lifeless. KRYTEN Clear! <Again the pads fire, and again LISTER arches. As he falls back to the bed, we hear him draw in a shuddering breath> KRYTEN Clear! <One more jolt from the pads sends LISTER off the bed, and coughs and splutters his way back to life> LISTER Ohh, where have I been? KRYTEN Well, for the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead... LISTER Wow... KOCHANSKI How did it feel? LISTER Ever been to Swindon? <Unexpectedly , KOCHANSKI's leans forward and places a gentle kiss on LISTER's forehead> LISTER What's that for? KOCHANSKI For not staying dead! <As she steps back, KRYTEN fussily moves in and, with a duster, dabs at LISTER's forehead. He turns back to KOCHANSKI as he dabs, explaining:> KRYTEN Germs... [---------------------------- END OF "EPIDEME" ----------------------------] [Transcribed and narrated by Raz from the original episode by Doug Naylor and Paul Alexander; no copyright infringement or toe-stepping intended. Comments, criticisms and corrections welcomed at "raz@mushroom.demon.co.uk" Thanks.]